A musical about Friends is giving me nightmares – Kevan Christie

Friends – The Tribute Musical is making Kevan Christie worried about catching the wrong train from Fife.

The TV show Friends is to be given the musical treatment (Picture: Danny Feld/Warner Bros/AP)

So no one told you life was gonna be this way

Your job’s a joke, you’re broke

Your love life’s D.O.A.

All of that’s as maybe but it doesn’t follow that going to see the forthcoming Friends – The Tribute Musical is going to make it any better. No, I’d rather stick pins in my eyes, I’m cutting my toenails that night – so, sorry, can’t make it.

I vaguely remember bits of Friends the television show from the 90s – the episode where they all meet for coffee and someone starts greetin’ about their relationship was a particular standout.

But I have my own relationship problems with musicals. Loved seeing Grease on the big screen as a nine-year-old when it stayed in the cinema for two years, never made it past the first two minutes of La La Land. Switched off as soon as they jump out of the cars and start singing and that’s definitely not a ‘spoiler alert!’

A friend told me a horror story about (in newspaper-speak) him having to “fork out a whopping £78” for his eight-year-old daughter to see Matilda The Musical at the Edinburgh Playhouse.

That’s 78 bangers to see the 20th picks from the original cast express themselves through the medium of daaahnce in a venue where the queues for the Trainspotting toilets stretch for miles and some posh Pringle-like crisps in a tin set you back the best part of four quid.

Did I mention she’s eight?

Perhaps they should have given her free tickets for Dick Turpin the Musical, given the sheer scale of the daylight robbery taking place.

So, it’s a no for Friends. I’m now having a recurring nightmare of being on a train full of people from Fife travelling to Edinburgh to see it. They’re drinking M&S mojitos and singing the theme tune at the top of their voices ... the train never stops.