Arts blog: ‘Thankfully it was an empty threat’ - Mark Trenwith learns to deal with child hecklers

THE Fringe will see its fair share of hecklers this year and even children’s shows aren’t safe. My favourite heckle so far has been a kid who shouted: “You’re name’s really Mark!”

All I could say was “Wow, that’s the most accurate heckle I’ve ever had! Well done!” The parents all laughed, but the kids didn’t quite understand what had happened, because randomly some other kids shouted: “Yeah, you’re a shark!”

Next minute all the kids were pointing at me shouting “You’re a shark!” which took a heckle which made perfect sense and turned it into something that made no sense at all.

Then there was the kid who, on winning a prize, declined to accept it. The conversation went a little like this.. “So you don’t want the prize?” “No.” “Would you instead like some lollies?” “No.” “What do you want then?” “I want you to die!”

Thankfully it was just an empty threat, though, to be honest, my life feels slightly less secure knowing he’s out in society. Perhaps it’s just my punishment for all the sensitive little girls I’ve made cry with my disgusting antics. One case occurred when I was discussing how fairy farts make perfume. So if your mum wears perfume she’s actually covered in farts. This was way too much for one little girl – she stood up in tears and ran straight to her mum. Of course, in doing so she smelt the perfume on her mum and she cried even more.

The best part of these stories is that it’s still early days so there’s bound to be more weird and hysterical kids who’ll take the cake. So if your kid’s a weirdo bring them along to my show. I could do with the material.

• Mr Snot Bottom’s Stinky Silly Show is at Gilded Balloon Teviot, 11am, until 26 August.