Lifelines: dealing with power play at work

My husband is a talented, clever man but he doesn't seem able to progress in any job, and often seems angry about it.

He won't go for promotion and prefers to stay in lower-paid positions, where he's more comfortable but frustrated. Despite this he is very critical of those above him, who he feels do not respect him. He is obviously extremely unhappy but I don't know what to do to help him feel better about himself. He is always making comparisons between himself and his younger brother, who is a successful GP.

ANSWER

So much of what goes on in the workplace is about acting out old family scripts, and I can't help but feel your husband's problems are rooted somewhere in his childhood. Organisational psychologists are beginning to focus on the importance of early sibling alliances when it comes to the way we handle power play in our professional environments, as it is at this point we establish our place in the pecking order of life.

Scratch the surface of any organisation and you will find individuals who exhibit the same drive for attention that can be found in any family. People with dominant older brothers or sisters may develop a strategy of avoiding competition or they may succeed by undermining rivals or those they perceive to be weak.

People from large families often expect not to get attention or, alternatively, may be driven to get noticed. There are all sorts of permutations, but the indication that a person is re-playing a negative family script – either to themselves or those close to them – can be ascertained from the way in which their behaviour makes them feel.

Do you know anything about your husband's relationship with his brother and what it was like when they were children?

Did their parents have favourites? See if your husband can be encouraged to reminisce about when he was young. Perhaps you can get a flavour of the strategies he employed to cope with not living up to expectations. What was it like to be overtaken by a more successful, or more appreciated, younger brother? Did he always opt out of competition? He could be encouraged to excel in an area of his own – perhaps outside work. He may even be in the wrong job. A few sessions with a life coach could be the answer. Counselling might also help and would certainly help with family dynamics, but he might prefer something more low-key.

workplace games

My partner's life is being made a misery by a colleague at work who is always putting her down. This awful woman pretends to be her friend but is always finding excuses to see the boss and point out mistakes in her work. My partner can't see how much she is being undermined because her colleague appears sympathetic and is always offering to show her how to put things right. My partner always sees the best in people, which is one of the reasons why I love her, but she is becoming increasingly unhappy, How can I help her?

ANSWER

It sounds like your partner's colleague has developed a clever and manipulative way to ensure she is top dog. Some people can only feel good about themselves if they feel superior to other people – what transactional analysts call the 'I'm OK you're not OK position.

Your partner probably needs help to identify the game this woman is playing and the negative impact it is having on her own possibly already wobbly self-esteem. Perhaps you can help her explore what is actually being said and done and the feelings she is left with after a typical conversation with this colleague. Once she begins to see there is usually a negative aftertaste, despite the apparently helpful nature of what her 'friend' is saying, she will become more alert to the incongruence between her words and the final result.

She may have been taught not to blow her own trumpet as a child, but this can have a very inhibiting effect on later development, including the importance of being able to make a realistic assessment of our own abilities. Get her to write down a list of five things she is good at and see if that helps to get her started. Counselling can always be beneficial if necessary, or maybe a short burst of assertiveness training. The important thing is not to allow herself to get hooked into the game.

Helen Weston is head of professional practice with Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)

• This article was first published in the Scotland on Sunday on June 12, 2011