Film review: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

• Johnny Depp up to his old tricks as Captain Jack Sparrow. Picture: PA

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (12A) *

Directed by: Rob Marshall

Starring: Johnny Depp, Penlope Cruz, Geoffrey Rush, Ian McShane, Sam Claflin

TOWARDS the end of the last Pirates of Caribbean movie, Johnny Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow was seen sailing off on a rickety boat on his own, a rather ominous sign that despite having squandered what little good will remained towards the character, more adventures were imminent.

The implication was that any new film would get rid of all the dead wood, clearing the way for a new series of films that might return the franchise to the fun, mildly subversive spirit of the first instalment (before it got bogged down with all that tortuous, retrofitted, Star Wars-plagiarizing mythology).

Well, that new film is here, but sadly it's just as dull, convoluted and needlessly extended as the first two sequels were. What makes Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides more intolerable than even its most immediate predecessor, however, is the sight of Depp once again going through the motions, coasting with a character that – let's face it – was always a greatest hits package of the ticks and tricks he's made a career out of deploying.

What made this interesting and entertaining in the first film (and for portions of the second one) was the change of context: playing a drunken, sexually ambiguous, Keith Richards-inspired dandy in a Disney family movie based on a theme-park ride was somewhat daring and innovative, and it paid off handsomely.

Four films in, it has become thoroughly boring to watch. The slurred speech, the rickets-inflected gait, the permanent look of bewilderment on Captain Jack's mascara-covered face - it's all present and correct, yet Depp brings nothing new to the table to justify another outing, much less one tethered to a plot as bloated and nonsensical as the one regular screenwriters Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio have cooked up here.

As anyone familiar with the series will know, attempting to unravel the story of one of these films is like asking a seven-year-old to recount in painstaking, punctuation-free detail exactly what they did during the school holidays, but On Stranger Tides (which was "suggested by" a novel of the same name by Tim Powers) essentially hinges on a race-against-time quest to reach the Fountain of Youth.

That, however, is pretty much where narrative coherence comes to an end as the film focuses on Jack's team-up with a female pirate called Angelica (Penelope Cruz). Angelica may or may not be the daughter of the film's chief villain, Blackbeard (Ian McShane), but she is definitely an old flame of Jack's, even if their ensuing bickering has as all the sexual charge of a pair of disinterested pandas.

Incredibly, the film uses their shared history to set up another sequel, though this isn't the only extraneous plot point on offer. Geoffrey Rush's one-legged Captain Barbossa soon sails back into frame as well.

Determined to procure the Fountain of Youth on behalf of the British government before the Spanish can get their hands on it, he's also harbouring a secret grudge of his own against Blackbeard. None of which gives the film much narrative momentum, and proceedings are further dulled by the introduction of another romantic subplot, this time between a young missionary called Philip (Sam Clafin) and a vampiric mermaid called Syrena (Astrid Berges-Frisbey).

Though some have been quick to cheer the absence of Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley this time, several tedious scenes watching this new pair bat-eyelashes at one another will soon have you lamenting their absence. Clafin, in particular, is so wet he makes Orlando Bloom seem like Errol Flynn by comparison.

Things possibly wouldn't even be so bad if the film at least boasted some exciting set-pieces, but director Rob Marshall, better known for Chicago and the woeful Nine, proves even worse at choreographing action than he is at choreographing dance. A lot of money and mayhem is up on screen, but none of it offers the kind of breathless excitement good blockbuster entertainment should.

Everything is too predictable and familiar, and it's overly reliant on that god-awful score being cranked up to 11 every time Captain Jack pulls off another faux-improvised rescue. Groaning cameos – another extended one for Keith Richards; a blink-and-you'll-miss-it appearance from Judy Dench – merely reflect what appears to be Marshall's guiding creative process on this film: throwing things against a wall to see what will stick.

That nothing does suggests that time really should be called on this series. That it won't is one more sign of how mercenary and contemptuous of audiences Hollywood can be. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is probably too big to fail at the box-office, but there's something horribly arrogant about the way it blithely assumes we'll be left begging for more by its refusal to tie up any of the plot strands.