Scotland Street Volume 18, Chapter 53: Neighbours drop in

It lasted one day. The boys listened to their father’s pep-talk about the need for discretion, and each of them, in turn, voluntarily crossed his heart and hoped to die should he be so careless as to reveal the presence of Ralph. They made suggestions – all of which made Matthew smile. Fergus asked whether they could dye Ralph so that he appeared to be a different dog – or even paint him, if dyeing were to prove too difficult. If he were painted white, and black spots were to be added, then surely he could pass for a Dalmatian, and would be able to lead a less concealed life. Rognvald wondered whether he could be kept permanently in the attic, where there was plenty of room for him to take regular exercise. “He’d get used to the dark after a while,” Rognvald suggested. “And nobody would hear him if he barked up there.”

44 Scotland Street

Fergus considered this, and then came up with the counter-suggestion that Ralph might stay indoors during the day, and then be let out at night when he would be undetected by the neighbours. Was it possible, he asked, that a vet might be able to remove his bark, or at least make it not quite so loud?

In the event, Ralph spent a considerable amount of time outside that day, mostly in the woods, but also being taken for a walk up the lower slopes of the Pentlands, well out of sight of his former home. But when Angus returned, Elspeth greeted him with the worrying news that the invitation he had issued to Robert and Maureen, and that they had both forgotten about, was, in fact, for that very night – and they were due to arrive for dinner at seven-thirty. She had remembered just in time to prepare a vegan menu, using recipes that she had downloaded from the BBC cookery website. Water soup was to be followed by an amuse-bouche of carrots on horseback and then, as the main course, soya surprise would be served with kale and distressed pumpkin. “Thank goodness I had all the ingredients,” she said. “Now everything’s ready except for …”

He was thinking the same thing. “Except for Ralph?”

“Precisely. What do we do? We can’t let him wander about while they’re here.”

Matthew scratched his head. “The attic?” he said at last. And then, warming to the idea, added, “We could put camp beds up there for the boys. Then they can keep him company. We won’t hear from any of them.”

Elspeth hesitated. The attic was remote, cold, and rather dusty. Would the boys be warm enough up there?

“They’ll love it,” said Matthew. “We can tell them that it’s camping. It’ll be a big adventure for them.”

It was agreed, and the boys were informed. As Matthew had predicted, they were excited by the idea, and a great deal of time was spent in marshalling flashlights, water bottles, and emergency supplies of one sort or another. Then, accompanied by their father, who agreed to read them a bedtime story by the light of a headtorch, they trooped up to the attic and were installed on three small camp beds. Ralph was given a blanket on the floor, and a large dog-chew at which he had already started worrying away.

Robert and Maureen arrived shortly before seven-thirty, unannounced in their almost completely silent electric car. Matthew welcomed them on the drive and could not resist commenting on the fact that they had chosen to drive rather than to walk across the fields.

He chose his words carefully. “Much safer to drive, rather than walk,” he said. “One might stumble, I suppose, when walking across the fields. People do.”

Robert looked at him suspiciously. “Our electricity is almost entirely green. We charge the car from our solar panels.”

Maureen backed him up. “We’re almost entirely off-grid, you know. It’s the only way.”

Matthew pretended to be impressed. “That’s great,” he said. “People go on about the carbon footprint of new electric cars – you’ll know what they say about the resources used to build them – the lithium and so on. But I think they’re still worthwhile – and their torque is terrific, isn’t it? I can well understand how people are taken with their torque.” He paused. “Tesla certainly know how to torque the torque.”

Robert glared at him. “Our car comes from China,” he announced.

Matthew raised an eyebrow. “Not exactly next door,” he said. “But there we are. Do you know the Leonard Cohen song, Suzanne? There’s one of the lines there that sticks in my mind. He sings about eating oranges that come all the way from China. When he wrote that, such things were pretty exotic, but now … Well, here you are in your entirely Chinese car, driven by electricity from your Chinese solar panels.”

Matthew stopped himself. He had not intended to be rude, and it was probably his jumpiness over Ralph that lay behind these digs. Now he said, “Let’s go inside and join Elspeth. She’s spent a lot of time on making dinner. And I could show you the view from the patio on the other side of the house. We’ve a good view of the Lammermuir Hills. I never tire of sitting there and gazing at them. It’s why I love this place so much – that view.”

“It’s nice,” said Maureen.

‘Yes,” agreed Robert.

They went inside, where Elspeth greeted them, after wiping her hands on a kitchen towel.

“I brought you some chocolates,” said Maureen, handing her a wrapped-up box.

“Fairtrade,” said Robert.

Elspeth looked surprised. “Oh, what do you want in exchange?”

Matthew laughed. “No, Fairtrade, Elspeth. It means the cocoa people are paid generously. I like that idea.”

“Of course,” said Elspeth, blushing. “Thank you so much.”

“Let’s go and look at the view,” said Matthew.

Maureen looked about her. “Where are your boys?” she asked.

“In the …” Matthew stopped himself from saying in the attic.

“Upstairs,” said Elspeth. “Fast asleep. They get very tired dashing around with …”

“With each other,” said Matthew quickly.

Was this how it was going to be? he asked himself. Was this how it was going to be – all night?

© Alexander McCall Smith, 2025. Bertie’s Theory of Ice Cream will be published by Polygon in August, price £17.99. The author welcomes comment from readers and can be contacted at [email protected]