The art of the put down – how to handle a heckler

Billy Connolly: “Don’t tell me how to do my job! I don’t come to your work and tell you how to sweep up!”

Jeremy Hardy: “Nigel, it’s over. Can’t you understand that?”

John Cooper Clarke: “Your bus leaves in ten minutes ... Be under it.”

Jo Brand, left: “I deliberately keep my weight up so that a t****r like you won’t fancy me.”

Rufus Hound: “Can we get some crayons and a menu for this guy to colour in, please?”

Jack Dee: “Well, it’s a night out for him . . . and a night off for his family.”

Harry Hill, right: “You might heckle me now but when I get home I’ve got a chicken in the oven.”

Billy Connolly: “You should get an agent pal, why sit in the dark handlin yersel!”

Ricky Gervais: “This is a big venue, I can’t really get into one-to-ones. In a smaller room I’d still ignore you – shut up!”

Lewis Schaffer, below: “Please don’t heckle me. Do you want to see a grown man break down and cry.”

Shazia Mirza: “All men are pigs, especially you, sir. Unfortunately, I can’t eat pork.”

Russell Kane: “Why don’t you go into that corner and finish evolving?”

Richard Herring: “If you are going to heckle, try to wait for a gap when I’m not talking so people can hear what you are saying.”