‘How difficult can it be to find the man of my dreams?’ - Forget fame, there’s only one reason why Abigail Collins is in Edinburgh . .
Don’t tell my performance partner, Tom Balmont, but my primary motivation for appearing at the Fringe is neither fame, nor fortune. It’s altogether more personal and pressing. I’m 41, childless and single. I have set myself the goal of being married and pregnant by Christmas. Do I think it’s realistic? No. An ice cube has more chance in hell.
But I’ve decided to put Rhonda Byrne’s theory of “The Secret” to the test.
If the biggest New Age pyramid scheme of the century passed you by, let me enlighten you. “The Secret” works on the principle of The Law Of Attraction; you ask for what you want, believe you’re going to get it, and then open your arms and receive it.
My skepticism is not without foundation. Do you remember the TV ads for Pacers, where people would pop a mint and then their clothes would turn into bold green and white stripes? Aged seven, I dropped a whole packet. NOTHING.
But according to Rhonda, the only reason I don’t have a lifetime’s supply of Louboutins, a Brad Pitt-alike, mansions and a brood is because I haven’t been asking properly. If all that’s standing in my way is my own negativity/realism then let an attitude of gratitude commence. How does Fringe fit into this plan? Last time I performed here (The Office Party, 2008) I had a summer of love. So, in a city swelled by Fringe participants and engorged with punters, how difficult can it be to find the man of my dreams? Just don’t tell Tom.
• Abigail Collins is appearing nightly in Lili La Scala - Another F***ing Variety Show (Pleasance Dome, until 26 August, 11pm) and in The Tom Collins Free Variety Hour (Laughing Horse @ The White Horse, until 26 August, 12:15am,).
‘How many shows can you do in one day without making any money at all?’ - Comedian Martin Mor answers your burning Fringe questions
The tramlines are not ready, most of the shows are not ready, and most of the audiences are still at home watching the Olympic Games.
As Team GB goes for gold, Team Comedy settles in for the long run. Up early to give out flyers in the hope of seeing lots of stars. The indigenous people of the Amazon rainforest are seeing lots of stars… since all their trees have been cut down to make paper for flyers.
We should have the Fringe Olympics. Who can run down the Royal Mile without encountering a drama student?
(This is a trick question… no-one can do it. Professor Stephen Hawking has proven that if anyone ever managed to do this it would rip apart the very fabric of space and time and we would all fall out of the hole.)
How many shows can you do in one day without actually making any money at all? I once did 12 shows in a day, and by the time I paid for taxis I was £40 down.
Can you get served in the Baked Potato Shop before Oxfam turn up with starvation relief? Yesterday I set my personal best – 45 minutes, but I was disqualified as I forgot to pick up my plastic fork! Just like the Olympics, it’s not the winning or the losing, it’s the taking part, but try telling that to the acts at the end of the month as they trudge south with a one-star review and an overdraft that makes Greece’s national debt seem like coppers in a North Bridge beggar’s hat.
• Martin Mor: A Man You Don’t Meet Everyday (Stand Comedy Club II, until 26 August, 6:40pm).
‘Relief! The sun wasn’t consumed by a giant monster’ - Stephen Carlin spends the night on Arthur’s Seat
I AM on top of the world, well on top of Arthur’s Seat at least. And in Edinburgh terms, things don’t get more on top of the world than Arthur’s Seat. It’s just after 5am.
I’m not quite sure why the hell I am up here but somebody assured me it would be a good idea to climb up and watch the sunrise. It’s tradition apparently, but then so is the Eurovision Song Contest. Tradition, that is, among the hoards of performers who don’t actually live in Edinburgh. The locals are all tucked up in beds with their multi-packs of Diet Irn Bru.
Why did we come up here anyway? “It’s spiritual, Stephen.” I don’t feel spiritual. I’ve had two hours’ sleep, one of my eyes is still welded shut and I may be wearing odd socks. Why did I agree to this escapade? Extinct volcanoes are not my thing and I’m not crazy about sunrises either. Frankly, I wish the sun would make up its mind: can’t it just stay up or stay down the entire time instead of mucking us about like this?
Wait. There seems to be some excitement. I think the sun may have risen. It’s behind some haze so it is difficult to tell, but that cloud definitely seems brighter. People are happy. The sun is back! Looks like the cosmos is still in full working order then. Relief. The sun wasn’t consumed by a giant monster in the night. Good, now we’ve established the sun still exists, the Fringe lives for at least another 24 hours.
• Stephen Carlin: Pandas vs Penguins (Pleasance Courtyard, until 27 August, 6pm).
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Weather for Edinburgh
Tuesday 21 May 2013
Temperature: 6 C to 17 C
Wind Speed: 12 mph
Wind direction: North east
Temperature: 3 C to 13 C
Wind Speed: 23 mph
Wind direction: North west