Janet Christie: “Don’t you care that thousands will die?”

By Janet Christie
Published on 25/06/2012 00:00

ELDEST Child is sitting at the tea table, telling Youngest about the impending nuclear/biological attack he predicts will accompany the Olympics.

Something to do with a worldwide conspiracy to halve the global population by a bunch of power-crazy bankers/misanthropes.

I’m not listening. Heard it before. Our discussions usually go:

Eldest: “Don’t you care that thousands will die?”

Me: “Nope. If it means I can stop paying the mortgage, shopping, cooking, cleaning and worrying, it’s fine with me.”

I turn to hear him blethering on about war with Iran, the evacuation of London and a clampdown on civil liberties.

“Don’t tell her that. You’ll frighten her,” I say.

“But don’t worry,” he continues, “because I can speak Spanish and I’m taking us to South America where we’ll be safe. But we need to get out soon. After I’ve been to T in the Park.”

I turn again, exasperated, to see Youngest, her back to me, shoulders shaking.

“For God’s sake… she’s terrified,” I say.

Red faced, Youngest struggles to speak: “Ha, ha, ha,” she giggles. “You’re such a loser. Don’t you know everything on the internet’s made up?”

It’ll take more than Armageddon to put the wind up her.