Susan Morrison

Susan Morrison

Susan Morrison: A festival of rock and roll.. and that's just the air bed

PEOPLE do a lot of crazy things when they get older. A batty old dame went bungee jumping at 70.

Susan Morrison: Banning comedians really does take the biscuit

Well, it's August again. And from all airts and pairts the fire-breathing, unicycling stand-up comedians and their cousins, the dramatic divas with their searing indictments of modern angst set to the music of advertising jingles of the 1970s, have descended on us.

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Susan Morrison: Fresh from being mother of the bride, it's time we made Anne the Queen of Scots

It was a nice day for a white wedding, right enough. And with every helicopter shot of Edinburgh, VisitScotland could be heard roaring "kerching", so I guess the cost of the security was worth it.

Susan Morrison: A PhD in Curmudgeonly Bluster and an MA in Speculative Conjecture will make me a star

When I grow up, I want to be An Expert. In preparation for this, I shall purchase a tweed jacket and develop a plummy English accent. I'm already cultivating a moustache.

Susan Morrison: Flip-flopping around but I will get my fairytale ending

Hans Christen Andersen's Little Mermaid fell in love with a prince and wanted to share her life with him. Why is it always a prince, by the way? How on earth did the lower classes get a look in on the dating game in Fairytaleland?

Susan Morrison: Man the Van got a courtesy lesson he won't forget fast

...and I found out how surprisingly easy it is to squeeze two giants into a totty wee Micra

Susan Morrison: Mother's back on her feet after hip operation and is galavanting on the streets for hours

Mother is steadily becoming more ambulant following her hip replacement and has taken to trawling the charity shops with her previous enthusiasm.

Susan Morrison: Penny drops when it's too late to spare my blushes

OHO! Scottish Utilities Megacorp - caught you. The standing order came out on the tenth. What's this two days later? Numpty pounds and 12p taken out again? Do you think I don't check these things? To the Complaint Phone.

Susan Morrison: my little dictator is all grown up

Somewhere in the kitchen there is a yellowing bit of paper with a splotchy painting of what looks like a bright red dalek with legs. It's a portrait of me, painted by my son on his first day at primary school. This is his last day.

Susan Morrison: The terrifying, bleak isolation of Carstairs Junction makes it the perfect place for a PoW theme park

Do you think Carstairs was miserable before they built The State Hospital? I mean, I'm sure it's a lovely place to live, if you go for windswept isolation and can measure the walking distance to John Lewis in days.

Susan Morrison: Lady of the Lake worked her magic on drunken youths

The train trip was cursed by an extraordinarily rude and unpleasant group of young men heading for Manchester to fly to foreign parts. I fear their chances of getting on a sun-bound flight were going to be scunnered by one of their number who had breakfasted on brilliantly-coloured alcopops. Helpful tip - they stain your white T-shirt when they reappear, somewhere just north of Carlisle.

Susan Morrison: Beanz meanz the disgrace of a public de-woggling

WHEN we collected our RV they showed my husband how to use the hook-ups for water and fuel. They showed me how to use the washing up bowl. American housewives, it seems, are unsure of the protocol when it comes to washing dishes by hand.

Susan Morrison: Doric gives me fits, like

Aberdonians are championing the accents of Scotland but, frankly, sometimes they can be quite brutal on the ears

Susan Morrison: See that wee boat there.. that's Britannia, ya radge

Real-life Begbies and Rentons love to help our visitors appreciate the port's finer points

Susan Morrison: When marmite is right

They say there are two kinds of people in the world, those who like Marmite and those who don't.

Susan Morrison: Chairman of the hoard

Call the cops, it's a household emergency as hubby refuses to bin horrendous paper trail

Susan Morrison: Tram fiasco smacks of a long-running vendetta

What particular grudge does Bilfinger Berger harbour against Edinburgh?

Susan Morrison: I'll tell you how I'm shaping up . . once I catch my breath

WEEK four of the intensive training programme for the Race for Life. I am determined to show the field a clean pair of heels and lift the fabulous cash prize and luxury travel voucher the editor of this august organ has promised to the victorious competitor.

Susan Morrison: New Rover's not wild ... no, nay, never

Been driving that Citroën for many a year, but the radio packed in, so it's out on its ear

Susan Morrison: Just give them their shortbread then ask them nicely to beat it

Let me be the first to thank all those tourists who choose Edinburgh, from the bewildering array of destinations on this planet to spread their love and cash around.

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