TV Watch: Sky falls in on coach as Charlie tells George to head for airport

Published on Saturday 14 November 2009 20:57

DON'T BELIEVE the pundits when they say that it gives them no pleasure to report on days like these. Charlie Nicholas has never been a fan of George Burley, but he has been prepared to keep his powder dry, willing to wait until the time was right. By the half-time interval of Scotland's humiliation in Cardiff yesterday, the Sky Sports pundit was lobbing hand grenades at the Scotland dugout as though it were quite a relief to be let off the leash at last.

Nicholas, of course, would rather Scotland were winning, but let's be honest, there was more professional satisfaction to be drawn from this than a forgettable scoreless draw. "It's a shambles, an absolute shambles," he moaned, failing miserably to convey the impression that it pained him to say as much. "Midfield, defence, everything ... it's all over the place ... no leadership, no togetherness ... they're all just walking about out there."

Nicholas says he doesn't want Burley to quit because the replacement is likely to be no better. He has a point. And, besides, this is much better fun. Asked at half-time what Burley could possibly do to restore some pride, Nicholas replied. "Head for the airport. That would be the best bet."

The airport? What about a tactical change? Or maybe a substitute? "Let these players suffer," said Nicholas. "If I was a substitute for Scotland right now, I wouldn't want on."

Oddly, after the loss of three goals in little more than half an hour, Burley's decision to have his wingers swap flanks seemed to particularly infuriate Nicholas. "I've lost the direction George is going in now," he sighed, leaning back in his chair, almost lost for words.

The pity was that he didn't have Jim White alongside to help him. Given that Scotland had been good enough to put out their strongest possible side, you'd think Sky could have done the same, but instead we had someone called David Jones as the anchorman. Not, unfortunately, the David Jones who was wrongly adjudged to have handled the ball at Anfield in 1977 – he and Joe Jordan would have made an interesting studio partnership, don't you think? – but the David Jones of Sky Sports News, er, fame. After a pre-match tribute to Jock Stein, he turned to Nicholas and said: "He was a colossal wasn't he Charlie?"

It's safe to assume that Scotland wasn't Jones' specialised subject, as it wasn't either for the match commentator. Alan Parry is a Liverpool fan, born just across the Welsh border. He had to check with sidekick Davie Provan that his pronunciation of Derek Riordan's surname was correct.

Ignorance can have its benefits mind you. Parry hasn't seen much of Scotland. He was mystified at the ease with which Wales took their opponents apart. "I've been watching Wales regularly now for some time and I don't think I've ever seen them as impressive as this," he mused. His surprise only grew deeper as the match went on. "I don't want to make it any worse for Scotland, but when you think that Wales are without Craig Bellamy, Jack Collison ..." By the time he had reeled off a list of six or seven Welsh absentees, you were thinking, yes, yes, mate, just get on with the commentary.

The producer certainly knew what he was doing. At the start of the second half, there was a close-up of the SFA chief executive, Gordon Smith, laughing heartily in the main stand. That was followed quickly by a lingering shot of Burley, who looked as though he were about to face the firing squad, which of course he is.

By now, the Scottish mood was sombre, more so even than it had been beforehand. The build-up had been occupied by memories of Stein, who died in Cardiff 24 years ago, and sympathy for John Kennedy, the Celtic defender who has given up the battle to recover from an injury sustained in an international. There was even a word or two for John Hartson, the cancer-stricken former Celtic and Wales striker.

We could have done without Scotland adding to the gloom. "This is a dark time for Scottish football," said Nicholas, for whom this was not the "crown jewels" that the Scottish National Party want to see broadcast only on terrestrial television. More like the jewellery Gerald Ratner branded "crap".