Tom English: 'When Faldo ad-libs, a nation rushes to the back of the couch'

Published on Saturday 20 September 2008 19:35

'WHEN PEOPLE say to me, would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss, my answer's always the same. To me, they're not mutually exclusive.' Nick Faldo said that the other day. Actually, no, that's a lie. It was David Brent from The Office. But, to me, they're not mutually exclusive.

"Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do." That was Faldo. Sorry, sorry, David Brent again. The "Brentmeister General", I can't stop thinking about him, thinking about his funny little ways. It's just that I spent the week listening to Faldo and it's been uncomfortable, David Brent uncomfortable, David Brent doing his MC Hammer dance uncomfortable, David Brent explaining why he's not a racist because he thinks "Orientals make very good workers" uncomfortable, David Brent comparing himself to Jesus of Nazareth uncomfortable. "You gotta move on. You gotta spread the word. You gotta go to Nazareth, please. And that's, very much like… me. My world does not end within these four walls, Slough's a big place. And when I've finished with Slough, there's Reading, Aldershot, Bracknell, you know, I've got – Didcott."

We'll have to reserve judgment on Faldo the tactician until tonight. Only then will we know if he will go down in history as successful captain or not. But certainly it has been difficult watching him this week. Difficult and at times mortifying. If his team blasts on and retains the Ryder Cup then little of this will matter. This is a game of bottom lines after all. But watching Faldo has been like watching Brent. Faldo trying to talk his way out of having his Friday foursome pairings photographed on Thursday, Faldo and his sandwich lists and when that was exposed as a dud his furious backtracking, his claims that the list was a practice list, not the real list, no, no, of course not. Of course, it was, pretty much.

The fact that Faldo had his pairings snapped was not the big issue, it was that he was so utterly clueless in handling the situation, turning a mildly embarrassing moment into a full scale cringe-athon. I was sure in that moment that the European Ryder Cup captain reminded me of somebody. Tonight ladies and gentlemen, Nick Faldo is David Brent.

On and on it went through the week, these uncomfortable press conferences, these little quips he makes that he seems to find funny but nobody else does, like when he spoke of his sandwich list, the tuna, the chicken, the cheese, the lettuce and finished by saying "lettuce us begin", meaning he wanted a new question. Nobody laughed. Nobody even smiled from what I could tell. Then Faldo made a gesture that told us that his joke was so subtle and so clever that it had gone right over our heads. Silly us. How could we be so dull? "Lettuce us begin." Come on guys. Laugh.

This kind of awkwardness was definitely familiar.

Onwards to the opening ceremony on Thursday evening and the long-winded speech that left many people wondering what the hell is going on in that head of Faldo's, not least some of his own players. Padraig Harrington is introduced and we're told that such is the triple major winner's dedication to his profession that he hits more balls than they've planted potatoes in Ireland. You see what he did there? Harrington, Ireland, spuds. It was kind of disappointing that he didn't borrow a hat from one of those leprechauns that are roving around Valhalla this week before he said his piece about the Open champion.

Now, did he mean any offence? No, of course not. It was just crass. When Faldo ad-libs, a nation rushes to the back of the couch. Thing is, Faldo is so self-obsessed that he doesn't know how badly his words are going down. That self-belief was at the heart of what made him a great golfer, that unshakeable view that everything he does is right and not so much damn the begrudgers but ignore them, freeze them out, don't recognise their existence. But that same quality has made him an embarrassment as a captain. Ego made him a playing legend and ego has exposed him as a weak link at Valhalla.

At the opening ceremony he went on to Graeme McDowell, a native of Portrush. Faldo turns and, with a worldwide audience of God knows how many, asks McDowell "are you from Ireland or Northern Ireland?" You might think Faldo would already know. You might also think that he would appreciate that where McDowell comes from there is, politically, a very significant difference between Ireland and Northern Ireland and that some very dangerous people have done some very horrible things in the name of Ireland and Northern Ireland over the last 40 years. We are now, mercifully, in peacetime but the lunatic fringe have not gone away and McDowell knows this better than most.

He is in a vulnerable position. He says one thing and the Republicans will be all-ears, he says another and the Loyalists will not be best pleased with him. McDowell didn't say anything but he looked uneasy. Given that McDowell has asked journalists who have interviewed him if they wouldn't mind staying clear of the politics of his homeland it must have come as a shock that Faldo raised the subject in public.

He's David Brent. "I suppose your question would be, is it difficult to remain authoritative, and yet so popular. No? Well I'll answer that one first." Brent said that but if the words came out of Faldo's mouth not many of us who've observed him this week would be all that surprised. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue. That's the wit and wisdom of Brent. All throughout his playing career Faldo was the pigeon, all week here at Valhalla he has been the statue. What he is tonight depends on his team. His 12 players, some red hot, some fighting with their game. Pigeon or statue. We'll know soon enough.

Read Tom English's latest blog from the Ryder Cup