Tom English: 'It's a new world Tiger's in and he doesn't get to set the rules now'

Published on Saturday 13 March 2010 21:04

IN THE theatre of the absurd, here's the next act. Howard Stern is at the microphone. He's eyeing up three broads who, on their way back to the anonymity from whence they came, have stopped off for a beauty pageant on the shock jock's satellite radio show. Classy deal, this. Beautiful.

First up in the Tiger Woods Mistress competition? That demur lovely, Jamie Jungers. Go Jamie! Dressed in a lingerie-style bikini, Jamie is saying how she slept with Woods the first night she met him. Bonus points right there, girl. Hold on, though, there's more. Tiger called her "Little Coffee Cup" and "Jamie Juices". Quite a formidable campaign building here. What's next? He was packing a driver in his pants. Double score for that nugget. And here's the clincher – she claims she was in bed with the golfer when the call came through that his beloved father had died.

Her rivals are throwing their arms in the air. How can they compete? Loredana Jolie Ferriolo and Jamie Grubbs are out of their depth. Oh sure, they have stories, lots of them, but they ain't got nicknames and they sure as hell don't have a grieving Tiger in the sack. Jungers wins the $75,000 first prize, Grubbs comes in second and takes $15,000, Loredana takes $10,000 for third. Amid much whooping and hollering and high-fiving, Jungers goes all earnest for a second. She's got something to say. The money's fine and all, she sniffs. But what she wants most of all is an apology from Tiger. If only he'd pick up the phone and explain why he toyed with her affections. That would mean more to her than anything.

About a million dollars more, baby!

Tiger's harem is running out of media opportunities. As an industry, their appeal is dwindling all the time. Where once all we heard was bonk story after bonk story, now all we're getting is comeback tale after comeback tale. The action has moved from the bedroom to the golf course.

Woods is working with his coach, Hank Haney. He's been hitting balls. His mates have been mobilised, possibly, to prepare the world for his reappearance. Mark O'Meara has been talking. Tiger's caddie, Steve Williams, has opened up.

The New York Post had a story the other day that stated Woods would be in tournament play at the Arnold Palmer Invitational at Bay Hill in Florida at the end of the month. They had two sources, one of them saying they'd be amazed if Tiger didn't tee it up at Arnie's event, where he hardly ever loses.

The circus has been in full swing since that story on Thursday. Was it just a plant? Was it some misinformation coming out of Tiger's camp that drove it? There are so many Tiger cynics out there. They see the tactic; put it out there and see how it flies with the public. If the reaction is good, then go for it. If it's not, then delay, delay, delay until the coast is a little clearer.

It would seem that Woods is done with the sex rehab and wants back on the golf course. Nothing wrong with that. It would be good to see him out there again. Golf needs him. When he comes back it would be nice to think that he's learned something, that he's changed, that he shows he's trying to live up to the words he spoke during his television mea culpa last month. A touch of humility would be nice. A bit of respect for his fans would be appreciated. More of a human being and less of a control freak; that's what people would like to see.

Has he changed? We'll only know that when he re-emerges, but you have to wonder. He's seemingly employed Ari Fleischer, the former adviser to George W Bush, as his image consultant/crisis manager/reintegration guru. Whatever Fleischer calls himself, his business is all about controlling every cough and splutter of his client's image. He's worked on behalf of Mark McGwire, the disgraced baseball slugger and steroid user, in the past.

Fleischer's mantra is this: "Let us help you gain control over the way you deliver your message with comprehensive instruction for each point of contact with the media."

With respect to Ari and his ingenious ways, the last thing Woods needs right now is more control, more coaching, more words put in his mouth and more puppy-dog looks to the camera while saying sorry. He needs to be real, not manufactured. Half the golf world – probably more than half – thinks his performance on television was a con job; stage-managed and wholly insincere. The fact that one of his mates, who helped facilitate at least one of his trysts, was sitting in the second row on the day he came clean didn't do a whole lot to sell the message of the new and improved Tiger. If he wanted to cleanse himself of his past failings then asking his affairs fixer to stay at home might have been a start.

Woods knows that the time when he faces media questioning is approaching. He ought to sit before the press and take questions without resorting to a manual. Prurience need not play a part in this. Nobody, bar the terminally sad, would want to know the details of his affairs at this stage, but we want to know the specifics of how this scandal has changed him.

Is he still intending to spit and swear on the course? Is he still going to ignore his fans and act like a brat? Is he going to accept that having a team of nodding yes-men surrounding him has damaged him? Is he going to give the control freakery a break now?

And there's one subject he won't blow away as easily as he would like. The Dr Anthony Galea issue is relevant. What was his precise relationship with the Canadian sports medicine guru who is currently under investigation for possibly supplying some of his athletes with performance-enhancing drugs? How did his connection with Galea come about? What attracted Woods to the controversial Canadian?

Tiger sought to kill this issue with an angry riposte during his piece to camera last month, but this is a new world he's living in and he doesn't get to set the rules now, however much he wants to. He will be asked about Galea and he'll need to answer, from the heart, not from a page in Fleischer's dossier.

None of us knows what kind of man Tiger is going to be when he reappears, but the Fleischer connection is not going to persuade his critics that the new Woods is going to be much different from the old one.