Scottish Football Briefing 15th June

Published on Friday 15 June 2007 13:01

Aberdeen

Hello, it’s been a while. Right, the question on everyone’s lips right now is of course, just what did Jamie Langfield say to Jimmy Calderwood? I mean, it must have been something fairly cutting to find himself lobbed onto the transfer listed and excommunicated from the first team. We all know Jamie had been enjoying the occasional light refreshment on his stag night when by chance he bumped into Mr Calderwood, at that point it all gets a bit murky. Jimmy’s shedding no light on the matter either:

"Jamie has always been more than professional, but his recent behaviour has not been in keeping with that of a first team goalkeeper at Aberdeen. He has been disciplined and the offer of a new contract taken away from him. Time will tell. But he has a lot of bridges to build with myself and my assistant, Jimmy Nicholl." He’s let me down, he’s let himself down and he’s let the school down.

Meanwhile, Dyron Daal is out the door and hot-footing it to sunny Perth to try his hand with St Johnstone. I’d been told he was off to the States, but I suppose Perthshire is just as glamorous. Here’s Sandy Stewart, Saints first team coach, to talk us through the matter: "His height will do no harm, but it doesn’t signal that we are intending to change the way we play. He likes and is comfortable with the ball on the ground and our style of football will suit him in that respect, plus he has a bit of pace as well." Well he sounds like a cracking wee player, just the kind of frontman that could make it in the SPL.

Celtic

Celtic fans everywhere will no doubt be rejoicing at the news that Theodore Bjarnason has signed a new, three-year deal to remain with the Hoops. Simply as a fan of all things football, I myself have erected yards of bunting and am currently wearing a novelty hat in celebration. It tells me here that the 20-year-old Icelandic midfielder made his SPL debut against Hibs and played for his country in the 1-1 draw with Lichtenstein and the 5-0 drubbing at the hands of Sweden. It would certainly seem that he can turn a game then. I’m only being mean, he’s probably an absolute revelation.

Stephen Appiah. Ever seen him play? No me neither. Feel like you know him so well he might actually be a member of your immediate family? Yep, me too. And the reason for that is that he is linked with every professional football club in the known world every single transfer window. This summer it’s Celtic’s turn, with the Bhoys apparently ready to make a move for the 5 million Ghanian Fenerbahce man. I’ll believe that when I see it, though I’d be more confident had Rangers already made a bid for him.

Speaking of which, hands up anyone who believes Tommy Burns’ protestations that Celtic are in no way doing everything in their power to scupper Rangers’ attempts to sign anyone. No, me neither. Scott MacDonald, Scott Brown and now Stephen Naismith. It’s amusing, unless of course you’re a Rangers type in which case you probably want to have a little weep. Sorry about that.

Dundee United

Now here’s an odd one. Dundee United have snaffled Willo Flood on a year’s loan. I was led to understand that he was quite good, indeed I was also under the impression that he played for Man City. But no, he’s on loan from Cardiff, so that’s yet another illusion shattered. I’m going to turn to Craig Levein at this point, Craig: "I’m confident he’ll do well for Dundee United and be a favourite with our fans. I was aware that a number of other clubs were interested in taking him and am pleased that Cardiff City see this move as an opportunity for the player to improve his game. Most of all however, I’m delighted because I see him as an important player for us next season." More importantly, I’d like to know when he left Man City and why I wasn’t informed. They never write. They never call. I feel so used.

Also arriving all fresh-faced and fancy-free at Tannadice we have Polish keeper Lukasz Zaluska from Korona Kielce. Craig Levein’s ever so excited about the whole thing, indeed he even says so himself. Mr Levein, you may begin: "We comes highly recommended and impressed greatly during his trial period. He’s at the right age to develop further as a goalkeeper and I’m excited about securing his signature." I like to think when Craig gets excited, the peak on his baseball cap whirrs round and he whistles a merry tune. I may need to leave the flat more often.

Falkirk

Mass exodus at the Bairns by all accounts. Vitor Lima is the latest to pack his Holly Hobby rucksack and head for pastures new. Explain yourself Mr Lima: "I thoroughly enjoyed my two years in Scotland and was made to feel very welcome by the people of Falkirk. However, I have decided that the time is right to return to Portugal."

As they leave, so must they arrive. And Austrian under-21 keeper Robert Olenijk is signing up after being released by Aston Villa. What this all means for Kasper Schmeichel I have no idea, but there is some talk of him waiting to see who Manchester City finally persuade to take over at Eastlands before he makes any decisions. But let’s not take away the glory for young master Olenick, who tell us some things: "It’s a great opportunity to play first-team football. This will be a great opportunity for me to play at places like Ibrox and Parkhead and I am really looking forward to the start of the season." Tell me Bobby, do you see this as a great opportunity at all? No? Oh, I just sort of thought…

Another chap pitching up for the Bairns is Michael Higdon, who to my knowledge is a fairly sizeable bruiser of a striker from Crewe Alexandra. But Yogo insisted his signing will not spell the end of Falkirk’s passing style. They have a passing style now, do they?

Gretna

Will Gretna be heading straight back down? How would I know, I’m just sitting here quietly. But they appear to be spending some money. Paul Murray, apparently a leading light at Carlisle, has signed on a one-year deal. And now they’ve snapped up 'highly-rated' midfielder Abdul Osman. And who is it, exactly, who issues these ratings? Furthermore, when the players are being introduced does Simon Bates pop up to explain the ratings?

Gretna have bagged themselves a sponsor. And it's, wait for it…Subway. I have no idea why, but that amuses me hugely. Though I should imagine Gretna are more than happy with the 100,000 they’re getting for the one-year deal ... and the free six-inch cheese steak on hearty Italian.

In other Gretna news, it seems that Rowan Alexander’s position as manager may be under threat. Indeed, the club have told the BBC there have been meetings about it. It all seems a bit harsh, I mean fair enough he missed the run-in but the poor bloke was knackered. I would have thought they owe him at least one crack at the big league. Or at the very least the SPL. And now, BBC have gone one better and reckon he’s for the chop. Come on Gretna, be nice.

Hearts

Alexander Hleb is universally derided by Arsenal fans as being really just a bit rubbish. So good news for Hearts fans that his brother Vyacheslav is all but signed up to join the Tynecastle revolution. He’s currently at MTZ Ripo Minsk, shockingly another club financially backed by Mr Romanov, and he plays up front.

Here's Vyacheslav's agent, Nikolai Shpilevsk: "Slava and I spoke with Romanov and it looks very good for him to come to Hearts. We think he will be in Edinburgh by the end of the month. I speak with Slava every day and he is desperate to get to Hearts. We don’t want to talk about the contract because it has not been signed yet, but it will be longer than one year. It will be a permanent transfer." Yet more grist to the mill.

I was reading a newspaper the other day - a task which I am legally required to complete on a number of occasions - and a pundit (I forget which) was saying that Hearts' signing of Laryea Kingston was the deal of the close season so far. I nearly choked on my parsnips. But Hearts seem to agree with the sentiment too. Just look what they said on their website:

"We are pleased that Laryea will be a Hearts player next season. He is one of the best players in the Scottish Premier League and brings real quality to our squad."

So did I dream that Kingston had been banned for something like 78 games after breaking an opponent’s shoulder blade and accusing the referee who sent him off of racism? To be fair it is the kind of thing that sneaks into my subconscious now and again.

The Jambos are 'hopeful' of signing Ricardas Beniusis to replace Edgaras Jankaukas. Hopeful, eh? He plays for Kaunas, for the love of god, there’s no hope about it. If they want him, he’ll be on the next flight out.

Hibernian

Oh dear, Simon Brown. There’s dignity and then there’s acting like a nine-year-old in a paddy. The keeper was drummed out of Easter Road for lobbing the ball into the back of his own net on a fairly regular basis and now he seems to have gone totally berserk. He even had the temerity to suggest that John 'Johnny two combs' Collins might be a bit vain. Here’s the chiseled Adonis that is Collins to tell us all about it:

“It is well known that I am an absolute stickler for high-quality physical conditioning. And, contrary to some idiotic rumours it isn’t so that I can show off my six-pack. The claim that I took off my top at a team meeting is utterly ridiculous.”

Brown also reckoned that the Hibs players are forever scrapping with one another. John respond, please: “In my time at Hibs, I have seen one such fall-out. That was between the ex-player himself and a midfielder and lasted seconds. A case of handbags if ever you saw one.” Aaaah, footballers, children with flash cars, little more.

Inverness CT

Superstriker Craig Dargo has done the unthinkable and turned down the opportunity to become the highest paid player in the history of Inverness Caley. The mind boggles as to the slimness of such a wage packet, containing literally pounds of real money. But we best hear from the man himself, or at the very least his agent since they’re more important than the actually kicky, runny, shouty types.

Here’s Mr David Baldwin: "Craig was very grateful for the offer but he will be looking to move. From the Inverness view, it was a record offer but you have to put that into context with the goals that Craig had scored and his market value. At this stage in his career, he wants to maximize what he can earn." Looking into my magical fortune-telling jubilee cup, I see him spending two seasons with Ipswich and then returning cap in hand.

Kilmarnock

Steven Naismith, eh? Anyone else bored by the endless shilly-shallying? For the love of god man, just sign for someone and have done with it. Now Stephen might even stay at Rugby Park, which frankly is just another complication we could all do without.

Anyway, Killie chairman Michael Johnston reckons they might even be able to offer Naismith a better contract if he agrees to stay a bit longer. That seems a little desperate, but then who am I to talk about dignity?

Here’s Mickey: "We might be prepared to improve his contract without extending it to keep him happy. As I’ve said before, we are keen to keep him. Steven is improving all the time and he knows he is guaranteed first team football at Kilmarnock, which he might not get elsewhere." That’s true, though elsewhere he’s more than likely to get a big bucket full of shiny cash. And footballers do like a big bucket of shiny cash.

Motherwell

Well, I hope Motherwell are thoroughly ashamed of themselves. Sacking Maurice Malpas when I quite clearly instructed them not to - shocking stuff. But now they’ve done it, they may as well look for someone else to welcome, smile at hopefully, slowly grow to dislike, boo at and then sack. According to the club the search is being narrowed down to a short list of candidates, none of whom are Fabio Capello. Right here’s a club statement:

"We have been pleasantly surprised with the level of interest and the quantity and quality of candidates has been excellent. The club has drawn up a shortlist of people that they would like to consider for the position. The names on this list will be contacted and hopefully spoken to in the next week or so."

And the names on that list? Supposedly, they’re Mark McGhee, Tommy McLean, Joe Miller and Luc Nijholt. Now I may be holding a grudge here, but whoever they appoint, I hope they go down. And then the club apologise to Maurice. The end.

Rangers

Are Rangers potless then? Or are they just trying to be canny in the transfer market by offering three buttons and a shot on a bouncy castle as an opening salvo then increasing the offer in increments of nine pence until the selling team break down in tears and just give them the player? Or something.

The latest player to catch the gimlet eye of the Ibrox massive is your actual Carlos Cuellar from Osasuna. The bid to capture the defender has been going on for a while now. Indeed it looks like they might actually get him now. If you listen to the man himself, it’s all done and dusted:

"I just hope I don’t lose this chance because my mind is already in Glasgow. Osasuna know it is my wish to sign for Rangers but I do understand they will only let me go when they are happy with the price. That is their right. I just hope everything gets sorted soon because I just want to get my suitcase packed and get started in Glasgow. I would love to play for Rangers and I have made that clear to Osasuna." Mind already in Glasgow, eh? That’s funny because my body is in Glasgow but my mind’s in Narnia.

Also potentially catching a glimpse of the dusty Ibrox chequebook we have DaMarcus Beasley. You remember him, fairly swift winger at PSV Eindhoven, spent last season on loan at Man City and singularly failed to pull up any trees, that’s the one. Here’s his agent Lyle Yorks with more: "I can confirm there is interest in DaMarcus from Rangers and he would be delighted to join a club of their stature. He’s spoken to Claudio Reyna many times about his time in Glasgow." And now here’s Phil with the weather, Phil: "Still raining".

The endless 'Robbie Fowler would love to play for Rangers' bandwagon continues to rumble on. This week we have an unnamed representative of the striker telling the Herald: "Robbie wants to play for Rangers. It would be ideal for him. He wants to come and add medals to his collection." There’s very little point in going to Rangers then is there.

St Mirren

Ooooh... badness at St Mirren, with John Sutton and Billy Mehmet apparently playing hide-and-seek with Gus MacPherson. It would seem neither of the strikers has got back to the big man about his offer of a new contract. Though to be fair to them, I’m sure they’re terribly busy doing whatever it is footballers do when they’re not kicking things. Here’s Gus: "I would be pleasantly surprised if John Sutton returned to Love Street to be a St Mirren player. I just feel the longer it goes on the more unlikely it is that John Sutton will come back to St Mirren. Like John Sutton, I’ve not heard anything from Billy Mehmet in terms of accepting or declining our offer." What was that name again, Gus? Oh that’s right, it was John Sutton.

First Division

Jamie McCunnie is staying with Dunfermline after signing a new two-year deal with the Fifers. Which is great news since he was a cracking player in Championship Manager. How he fares in the real world, I have little idea, we best ask Stephen Kenny: "Jamie had a decent pedigree as a young player, then his career stalled for a couple of seasons. Hopefully this is him picking up again." Try and sign the one from the computer game then, he was ace.

I say, Colin Hendry is the new boss at Clyde. I saw him on Sky Sports News surveying his new domain and admiring his new pin board, he looked thrilled. Sounds it too, listen: "Simply, coming here just felt right. I was impressed by the directors' honesty and openness and I had other options elsewhere, but I knew that this was the right choice." And what about that pinboard? Snakes alive.

The Wes Hoolahan to Blackpool thing is a bit odd. He was all set to sign a permanent deal after a year on loan from Livi and then the Lions put the kibosh on it. It would seem Blackpool weren’t making payments due and such, the fools.

Second Division

Alloa have bagged four new signings, one of whom is the mighty Brown Ferguson. Crazy name, average midfielder. Sandy Hodge, Dougie Wilson and Scott Agnew complete the massive spending spree.

Adam Nelson, who I have a feeling used to play for Blackburn, has ditched Elgin City and has joined up with Brechin City. So it’s nice to keep the city angle going. And, yes, I can confirm he started his career with Blackburn, who are a Rover rather than a City, but he’s done the right thing now.

Third Division

Stephen McPhee has joined the party at Dumbarton, despite being in his late 70s. It says here the striker is only 36, but I’m not convinced. Anyway assistant boss Jim Clark had this to say: "He likes and is comfortable with the ball on the ground and our style of football will suit him in that respect, plus he has a bit of pace as well." That style of football of course being to dominate your opponents, go a goal behind on the break and then listen in horror as the crowd turn in an instant.

Poor old Albion Rovers, they’ve only gone and lost Third Division player of the year Scott Chaplain to Partick Thistle. Oh well, it had to happen I suppose, he was far too good to stay in Coatbridge.

Premiership

Whither this weather the bold Darren Bent. To West Ham or to Tottenham and for how much? Would you like me to let you into a little secret? Ok, since it’s you. Darren is caught between two stools at the moment. Does he go to West Ham for 70,000 a week or does he go to Spurs for 35,000 a week. And heavens be praised if he isn’t having trouble deciding. Despite the examples of Scott Parker and Damien Duff who made ludicrous career choices while chasing the money, he may just take the hit in wages to join Spurs in the hope of winning something. Oh, this just in: he’s turned down the move to West Ham. Ha, I knew I was clever. But the background stands.

Now then, Manchester United and strikers. They need one, that’s for sure and it’s looking increasingly likely to be Fernando Torres. They’ve been told Berbatov’s a no-go and David Villa looks too pricey even for them. So Torres at 15 million it is then.

Next time, just what in the name of all that is holy is going on at Arsenal and Liverpool?? There’s rumours, oh dear lord yes, there’s rumours. I want those tall tales to strengthen closer to fact (or near-fact will do) before I ruin my faultless reputation by revealing them.

Best Laid Claims

There’ll be another one of these monthly efforts, wait for it, next month. And then we’re coming back, bigger, stronger, faster, better and more annoying in August. I’ll wear a special hat for the occasion.

Next Scottish Football Briefing: Friday, 20 July