Scottish Football Briefing - 9 March

Published on Friday 9 March 2007 12:24

Aberdeen

Now then, this whole football diatribe or as I like to think of it, lecture, is going to be a bit complicated this week. You see, due to circumstances beyond my control and an almost stunning level of idleness on my part, this is being written on Thursday evening, so many elements will be hugely out of date. Fortunately it’s all about the mean spirited jokes and I also don’t care. Right, James Calderwood is expressing great hope that the future of two of his players will be sorted out today, by which I mean Friday rather than Thursday, which is in fact today except for you where it’s yesterday. *travels through time, beats mammoth with stick* The players in question are Gary Dempsey and Karim Touzani. Dempsey might be off to Yeovil and Touzani is out of contract in the summer. We better let Jimmy speak before he explodes: “I spoke to Gary on Tuesday and I talked with Touzani’s agent on Wednesday. Hopefully we will get both of them sorted out by Friday, one way or the other.” They’re both leaving Jimmy, save yourself the pain of hoping, they always stab you through the heart in the end.

Celtic

Poor old the Super Hoops, so close to turning over AC Milan and then the swines only go and score a goal. I’m told there was some manner of stonewall penalty denied the Bhoys, though sadly I wasn’t watching it, rather I was sitting on the floor, playing Zelda and eating scampi fries. Darren O’Dea seems to have captured the mood of the piece, listen as he emotes while sobbing into a Fray Bentos: “It was a desperately disappointing end to our campaign and there was a lot of emotion in our dressing room. We are a very close-knit team and are all proud to have been a part of it.” Poor old Darren. I should stress that I have no idea whether the Celtic players enjoy a delicious pie in a can following games, though if they don’t it may explain why they allowed a Brazilian midfielder to bang in the winner. It’s all in the pie.

In slightly brighter news, Shunsuke Nakamura has been named the SPL player of the month for February. Which I should imagine more than makes up for being knocked out of the greatest club tournament in the world. And I include the Stirlingshire Cup in that.

Dundee Utd

Craig Levein is apparently lamenting the last minute goal that gave Inverness Caley the points when the two teams met. By lamenting I presume we’re talking moaning rather than strumming a lute and chanting a soft lament to the inequities of life and a fair maiden met while lying in sport and play on a black waterside. Anyway, we best pay heed to the lamentations: “I have been in football long enough to know that you don’t always get what you deserve. I was pleased with the players and I thought we defended well in restricting Inverness to very few opportunities. We made some good chances ourselves, but we failed to take them and were caught at the end by a sucker punch.” Oh well, sorry Craig. And beware of those black waterside types, they can make you believe with their lying tongues, oh that the sun rose in the west. A little joke for all you Bert Jansch fans out there.

Apparently Barcelona are hoping to play the Terrors in July as part of the whole pre-season-hand-out-a-gubbing-jog-around-not-being-as-good-as-the-paying-customers-have-every-right-to-expect thing. So that should be good. I once saw Spurs play at Ibrox in a pre-season friendly. Sadly no-one had informed Marvin Andrews of the friendly nature of the game and he proceeded to boot Robbie Keane a hundred feet into the air. My bellowed complaints were not appreciated by the people of the Broomloan.

Dunfermline

I’ve yet to make a decision on Stephen Kenny, other than he appears to have two christian names. I do worry that one day he’ll collide with Brown Ferguson and implode forming some sort of superdense christian name/surname horror that will destroy us all. But that’s just me. Steve has held his hands up and admitted his side were beaten by a better team when they came up against Celtic. While holding his hands up, he coquettishly whispered this between his fingers: “We faced a great side today – Celtic showed their quality, especially with both Aiden McGeady and Shunsuke Nakamura. After conceding an early goal we were up against it but we reacted well.” He then produced an ornate fan from nowhere and made eyes at the assembled media. He did none of these things, but I do like to make stuff up.

Falkirk

John Hughes was in a bad mood last week, claiming his side didn’t have the spirit necessary to take the Bairns onto the next level. Now, bizarrely, he appears to have cheered up, despite losing at home to Aberdeen. We better hear his reasoning before he turns again: “I felt the boys gave me everything – no-one will be going away from here believing that Aberdeen weren’t well matched. Everyone can see the spirit we have here at this club.” Corks Yogi, last week there was no spirit the club at all but now the place is dripping with it? Is there something you feel you should tell us? Is everything ok at home? Is that a new haircut? It’s very nice.

Jack Ross, Stephen O’Donnell and Kenny Milne could be in trouble after failing to respond to new contract offers. Hughes Hughesy Hughes would only say this while we dined on oysters and crinkle cut chips: “We put a contract offer on table at the beginning of January and none of them came back. They let the time limit elapse and I think that’s a little bit disrespectful to the club.” To be fair to them, I don’t think I’d tell John Hughes I was leaving. There would be little more than a spinning tea cup and a puff of dust as I pelted out the door on the last day of term. And he could keep Hungry Hippos and the paper hat I made in quiet time.

Hearts

For a change there have been no epoch changing remarks, stunning stories or nonsensical proclamations emerging from Tynecastle this week. So we best settle for this and hope the madness grips them once more. Sean Mackle has signed a new five year deal to stay with the Jambos. Stephen Frail, assistant coach apparently, had this to say to the Hearts website: “Sean has knuckled down over the last six months and has been working very hard. He thoroughly deserves this contract.” Which makes you wonder what he was doing previous to that. Probably playing swingball or hanging around in Hunter Square apparently dressed as one of Saruman’s orc army. They’re there every weekend you know, it’s like a black mass sometimes. I avoid them in fear of being turned into a horny toad. Or hearing My Chemical Romance. Which would be infinitely worse.

Stephen Frail is apparently the spokesman du jour at Tynecastle. Here he is holding forth on debutant Linas Pilibaitis: “Linas has only had a game and a half in the reserves. He tired badly towards the end, but I thought he worked hard.” I worked hard once but then I got tired and stopped, no-one said nice things about me though. *writes to Stephen Frail requesting hagiography, waits by letterbox wearing special ‘I’m a good boy’ t-shirt*

Hibernian

Lewis Stevenson is the SPL young player of the month for February, it says here. In fact, I’ve even got a picture of him with the award, he looks about nine. Do you, as I did, wonder what he had to say on receipt of the prestigious gong? Well wonder no longer my happy acolytes for I have taken the time to type it all out for you, look: “I am just hoping it’s not a bubble that is going to burst to be honest. I wouldn’t regard myself as a first-team player because I still clean boots and help with the kit. I clean Michael Stewart and David Murphy’s boots. They don’t really have a laugh about it. They are quite good when it comes to cleaning their boots actually, they don’t moan too much either which is alright.” That may be because there is nothing amusing about the cleaning of boots. The whole interview smacks of someone making nervous conversation possibly with a former teacher or the captain of an impressive fishing vessel.

Gordon Marshall, who it turns out is now the Hibs goalkeeping coach, reckons Simon Brown will get over his horror show against Rangers. The big man had these encouraging words for the fumbling custodian: “Simon was down after the game and apologised to the rest of the team. He came into training and worked very hard, he’s reacted in a positive way. Simon’s a good goalkeeper, he just needs to get his confidence back.” It might not be a bad idea to learn how to catch as well. Shocking scenes.

Inverness CT

Foxy Caley manager Charlie Christie has welcomed the slice of luck that saw his side beat Dundee United with a last minute winner. The dapper, brush-tailed aristocrat told me this while nervously looking over his shoulder at a pack of slavering hounds appearing over a nearby hill: “For the first 25 minutes we were very flat and in the second half we didn’t perform very well either. I would have settled for the draw because we coped reasonably well with United but we got a break late on. And there is absolutely no doubt that these boys deserve it.” He then leapt nimbly over a hedgerow and lost his pursuers by dashing across a railway track.

Kilmarnock

Jim Jefferies seems happy at his side’s 2-0 defeat of St Mirren at Love Street. Which is a bit of a worry when you see the pictures of him grinning in the manner of a pony spotting a nosebag. But then we can’t all have the visage of a greek god and a voice like warm toffee being poured over a granite slab. Anyway, let us bend an ear to his words of joy: “I stressed at half-time we needed to win this game. We expected St Mirren to compete and close us down, but it wasn’t until the end that we put our best move together. The second half was a good performance all round – we had one or two great moves before the decisive second goal.” I do have a lovely voice you know, a bit like Charles Dance playing the banjo. Transcendent.

New Killie signing Willie Gibson will be a hit in the SPL, according to new Killie signing Frazer Wright. New boys eh? They always stick together. Mr Wright signed from Stranraer and had this to say about Gibson who pitched up from Queen of the South: “It’s important that, if you get in the team, you make sure you stay there. You have to take your chance.” Wise words there, since so many debutants turn up for their first game wearing roller blades and spend the whole games falling about in the mud and singing lewd songs about geese.

Motherwell

Danny Murphy has been boosted by the news that he hasn’t broken a bone in his foot. He took a bit of a knock during the defeat to Hearts but we can all stop the 24 hour prayer vigils and rooftop protests. Here he is breaking the joyous tidings: “The foot is not broken after I got the all clear from the scan. I’m delighted with the news, I didn’t think it was broken at the time. It is badly bruised, so I need to wait to see when it disappears.” To be honest Danny, if your foot disappears I think that might be slightly more serious than a break. I would also suspect wizardry or possibly even necromancy, which I’m told can happen in professional football.

Debutant Krisztian Vadocz reckons Scottish football is a battle. Here he is holding forth: “It was difficult. This is a different style of football for me and we lost the match. It is different. I can call this match a battle. I have to acclimatize and hopefully as soon as possible.” Despite years of watching Scottish football I’ve never really thought of it as a battle, more like watching someone else play pinball while a second person whirls the table round and round on a huge lazy susan. In space.

Rangers

Now, as discussed earlier, I’m writing this on Thursday evening before Rangers take on Osasuna in the UEFA cup. Consequently I have no idea how they got on, I should imagine it was 1-1. However, I did have the misfortune to watch the Gers defeat Hibs 2-0 on Sunday. Now, I’m not saying it was a rubbish match, all I’m saying is that if you were to break both my legs and tie me with bungee cords to the back of a zebra, I could play a better game on a melting, electrified ice rink while trained baboons bombarded me with rotting vegetables. That’s all I’m saying.

St Mirren

Kirk Broadfoot has assured the good people of Buddieland that he will be one million per cent committed to keeping St Mirren in the SPL, despite agreeing to join Rangers in the summer. He said just that to the Daily Express, little realising that I was strapped to the skids of a remote control helicopter hovering mere inches above him taking notes on a specially adapted gameboy. Here’s what I heard above the infernal din of the rotor blades: “It is a dream come true for me that I am getting the chance to join a club like Rangers. But I want to make it clear to everybody that I remain 100 per cent committed to St Mirren until the summer. And the match against Dunfermline is our most important of the season.” It’s as plain as the nose on my face that he’s already thinking about the nice warm changing rooms at Ibrox. And I have a very plain nose, you’d never be able to pick it out of a line up, it’s that nondescript.

First Division

Oh right, well that’s very nice. According to Lex Gold, who I believe is the SPL chairman but equally could be a Bond villain, 14 of the 30 clubs in the SFL have held talks about forming a breakaway league. Now that’s just charming isn’t it? And we all know it’s going to be the First Division clubs and four others with ideas above their stations. Why don’t we all form breakaway leagues and then we can all have lots of money. Eh? EH? Answer me.

Comedy goalkeeper Zbigniew Malkowski is going on loan to Gretna until the end of the season. I always thought he’d been rather unfairly treated by the Hibs fans, but then I saw him play and it all fell into place.

Second Division

There doesn’t appear to be much going on in the Second Division this week, well nothing obvious anyway. I’m sure there are all sorts of Machiavellian plots being hatched and revelations made but I’m a busy man and I don’t have time to trawl through the Greenock Telegraph. And Spurs are on the telly tonight and I’ve got some chops in the oven. So that’ll do you.

Third Division

There appears to have been a bit of a brouhaha after the Elgin City v Arbroath game. I say brouhaha, Elgin defender David Niven was attacked while leaving Gayfield and needed hospital treatment for serious facial injuries. This isn’t the friendly Third Division I know and love. No, this just won’t do. I won’t stand for it. I have no idea what I’m going to do about it other than act a bit upset, but still.

The Sons aren’t going up are they? I was so hopeful and now the wheels appear to have fallen off. Come on Dumbarton, do something. Anything. Buy the ref off or employ some sort of cyborg. ANYTHING.

Premiership

What can we say about the Premiership this week? Other than Ha Ha Arsenal. HA HA. No, in all seriousness it was terrible to see them lose the Carling Cup Final, get knocked out of the FA Cup and then founder to a severely limited PSV side in the Champions League. I was devastated for them, once I’d recovered the power of speech. I’d not laughed that hard since Balleti scored from two yards to hand Barca the trophy last year.

Enough petty rivalry for now, what rumours have we? A rather odd one has cropped up concerning Peter Crouch. According to an internet mentalist, Liverpool and Juventus are going to share Peter Crouch’s registration in a deal that would see David Trezeguet move to Anfield. Which all seems perfectly plausible, apart from the fact that clubs can’t share player registrations and Peter Crouch isn’t worth anything like what Juve could get for Trezeguet. Apart from that I have no qualms in pronouncing it a done deal.

Chelsea are apparently ready to sell Khaled Boulahrouz after he failed to live up to expectations at Stamford Bridge. My abiding memory of him will always be the resigned way he simply sat down on the White Hart Lane pitch as Robbie Keane turned him inside out before delivering the cross for Aaron Lennon to bang in the winner. Bye bye ‘the cannibal’, it’s been exciting.

When will someone sign Franck Ribery? Everyone’s been dancing around him for the last two years but not one Premiership club has taken the plunge. Well apparently Arsenal are ready to take a chance on him. Something in the region of 15 million worth of a chance I would have a thought. And he doesn’t look that good either. Perfect.

There are mutterings that Tottenham might be thinking about making a move for Carlos Tevez in the summer should the Hammers go down, which they surely must now. But I’d be hugely surprised if Spurs do go for him, he’s a decent striker but he looks a bit confused by the Premiership. Nikola Zigic seems a much more likely choice. Six feet eight and frankly terrifying, you’d just have to throw the ball into the box and watch the net ripple. Then wait ten minutes for him to lumber back to the centre circle.

Best laid claims

Right then, it’s tea time on Thursday, so let’s hope Tottenham haven’t embarrassed us all and Rangers did alright against Osasuna. I couldn’t care less about Newcastle, they shouldn’t have signed Damien Duff, they’re dead to me now. Dead.