Scottish Football Briefing - 16 February

Published on Friday 16 February 2007 11:14

Aberdeen

Not even the squalling tempests of February could halt the Dons in their 3-0 defeat of Dunfermline. Much to the delight of Jimmy Calderwood, Aberdeenshire's leading amateur meteorologist and chuckling victor. He had these things to say as he dodged the gales and flying cows: "The conditions were difficult and it was hard to know which way the wind was blowing. I said to the players that these types of days can ruin our season, but we applied ourselves well." Not only can they ruin a season, but they can play merry hell with a picnic.

Celtic

The Bhoys shall go to the San Siro. Caloo calay oh frabjous day. But for all of those complicated reasons every one of us has been avoiding noticing, they'll only be playing in front of a ‘limited number' of spectators. There is, however, no suggestion as to how limited this number will be. Three? A million? One can place limits at any point you know. But then I'm not as clever as Uefa and I'm delighted to place my faith in their oft tested abilities.

European football equals money, it's that simple really. Look at Celtic, a tasty 17.94m profit for the second half of 2006 mainly thanks to their European adventures. Chairman Brian Quinn seems quite pleased anyway, feel the smug: "This turnaround in our financial performance demonstrates in the most vivid way the importance of European football. It is also a testament to the professionalism of our executive team." All together now: "Oh it's a grand old board to sit on, and it's grand old board to chair, and if you know your financing, it's enough to make your tills go ker-ker-ching"

Dundee Utd

The Terrors would appear to have handed Barry Robson a new contract, Lord alone knows why I used the verb appear, since they have actually given him a new deal. Maybe I just don't want to commit myself at this early stage. Anyway, what would, for the sake of argument, a Craig Levein have to say about this situation: "We have just given him an extended deal. It's a lot of money and it's quite a liability for the club. But the reason we did that is because he's our best player." Which must be reassuring for the rest of the squad.

Dunfermline

Pars winger Owen Morrison is in China, it says here, looking for a new club. The Irishman has apparently been offered a contract by the mighty Qingdao Zhongeng, which must be some comfort. I doubt he cares, but back in the day Morrison used to be absolute mustard. Sadly, that was only in Championship Manager and I have no idea whether that translated into real life. Willie Howie was good as well, and I've no clue what happened to him.

Stephen Kenny has expressed doubts about the goals that lead to his side's defeat at the hands of Aberdeen. But since they actually went down 3-0, it seems a little bit fruitless. But let's listen in anyway: "Mackie looked like he came from on an offside position to score, although it was an excellent finish. And while the ball definitely hit Stephen Simmons' arm, whether you can give a penalty for that I am not sure. Aberdeen's third goal was great though and we can't make excuses, because on the day they were better than us." So really it should only have been 1-0. And if the Pars had scored ten it would have been 10-1. So relegation will be avoided no bother then.

Falkirk

John Hughes, Scotland's leading Max Headroom impersonator, is refusing to blame centre-back Tom Scobbie for gifting Motherwell's Scott McDonald the chance that lead to the equalizer in the Bairns' 2-1 defeat. Hughes told me this while strolling along the front with a poke of chips: "It was just not to be. Two crazy minutes cost us dear. But there are a lot of pluses and I had two young centre-backs playing, Brian Allison and Tom Scobbie and they are only 18. It looks good for future. They are playing like men." Rather than playing like geese, which would just be disturbing.

Hearts

It could be that an injury may just bring an end to one of the most idiotic selection decisions in the history of all things Hearts. Lithuanian keeper Eduardas Kurskis has done a bad thing to his shoulder, which means Craig Gordon could well be back on the bench for the Jambos. Of course, the fact that possibly the best young keeper in Europe is on the bench at all is dangerous madness. But one step at a time, one step at a time.

Leading evil genius Vladimir Romanov has had a wee go at the Old Firm. Now, this is what he said to Russian magazine Futbol and I must stress he said it, not me, not the Scotsman and not Oliver Cromwell: "They buy off players and referees. If two opponents are equally matched then the referees can have a real influence on the outcome." Rrrrrrrigggghhht. Well least said, soonest mended I suppose. *pulls duvet over head, hopes he goes away soon*

But the good news is that his spokesman has come out to deny he said anything of the sort. Let us begin the revisionism, Charlie Mann tell us something exciting: "We know that does not happen – he doesn't. He is saying it because he is not from these shores and thinks that's the way it happens. It's a cultural thing and we have to get that across to him." I'd comment on that but unfortunately I appear to be sitting on my hands, whistling a merry tune and staring into the corner.

Hibernian

Hibs will soon be able to play their Nigerian-born Hungarian international striker, Thomas Sowunmi. It seems it took a while for him to be given international clearance. And no, I have no idea what that means either. But then I wasn't listening when we discussed it at school. Tam McManus, however, won't be playing for the Hibees this season, mainly because John Collins has decided not to offer him a contract after he was on trial at Easter Road. Look he's saying it here: "We will not be pursuing our interest in Tam at this time but we wish him the all the best for the future." I'd sign him just to have someone called Tam knocking about the place, you can never have too many Tams. That's what my dad says anyway and he knows everything.

Ivan Sproule has suggested that ‘harsh treatment' from referees could force him to leave Scottish football. He does seem to be picking up the odd booking, oh and the occasional red card like the one he was shown against Celtic. In a little chat with the Daily Record he said a few things, fortunately I was secreted inside a grand piano in a nearby cocktail lounge, here's what I overheard: "I'm really annoyed and down and I just can't understand it. Dougal has sent me off before, and the boss said things about me ‘tightening the nut', which I felt was unjust. I just can't understand it but it's the kind of thing that will maybe force me out of Scotland." You could always try not fouling people, that might help.

Inverness CT

Last week I suggested Charlie Christie looked like a well-coiffed stoat, I now accept that I was wrong to say that. On further reflection I have decided he actually resembles a particularly dapper fox. I look forward to him investing in a monocle and a smoking jacket. Before that though, he may look to invest in a few Eastern European players. Chairman Alan Savage said this: "Over the next two or three years, we'd like to cast our net further. We're making initial enquiries in Poland and would be particularly interested in recruitment from Eastern Europe as a whole." I looked into recruiting from Eastern Europe as well, but they always demand you pay their air fare and then they rarely marry you. What? No cards this Valentines Day. None.

Kilmarnock

You have to raise a small hat to Dougie McDonald for so quickly giving it the mea culpa and admitting he should never have given Rangers a penalty in their game at Rugby Park. Watch him go: "Having seen the TV footage, it is clear that Ford played the ball before bumping into Boyd. No infringement actually took place. The decision was incorrect." Of course, that's no use to Killie now, but you have to applaud the sentiment.

Aime Koudou has been signed up by the good people at Killie. The Airdrie United striker will stay at Rugby Park until the end of the season. I wonder what Jim Jefferies has to say about it. Oh look, this: "He looks like the kind of player who can do something different." Like shoe a horse maybe, or climb a ladder with a bell in each hand. Oh, and they might resign Eric Skora if he can get over a long standing injury. I know, I was all but insensible with excitement as well.

Motherwell

You simply have to love Maurice Malpas. No, you do, it's now the law. Anyway, so buoyed is Maurice by his side's recent performances, that he's now chasing a top six finish. Tell us Maurice, tell us everything: "We still have aspirations of getting into the top six and that was a big three points for us. If Falkirk had beaten us, we would have been struggling to catch them. It was a great three points for us, I thought we won an ugly game by playing ugly. It wasn't pretty at all." Nonsense Mo, I'm sure it was lovely.

Rangers

Woah now, that was a bit of a shocker. Hapoel Tel Aviv 2 the Rangers just the 1. Which is odd since when I flicked it on the commentators were mithering on about how superior the Ibrox side were. Big Walter is currently lamenting the defending, look at him lament: "Neither side created much and there was not much between the teams but I was disappointed at the goals we lost. I thought the free kick for their first was soft and we didn't set up well for it, while we could have defended better for their second goal." Well yes, you could have defended to the point where they didn't score. That would have been the tactic I would have employed.

Barry Ferguson could be in the soup as well. Apparently, and I haven't seen it, he elbowed Hapoel Tai Chen right in the mush. Now their coach, Nir Levin is going to ‘raise the matter with Uefa'. Watch as he runs to teacher: "I'm not happy with the incident because TV pictures show Ferguson clearly elbowing Chen." If I were Barry, which thank heavens I'm not, I'd use the classic "a big boy did it and ran away" defence. It rarely fails.

Looks like failing to qualify for the Champions League has rather put the kibosh on Rangers' finances. A loss of 700,000, it says here among a series of figures I barely understand let alone enjoy. I presume it means they'll be unable to sign further Austrian journeymen, which may actually be a good thing.

St Mirren

Let's have something St Mirreny. This is always one of my favourite sections, mainly because nothing ever happens. It's similar to sitting in a pacific water meadow watching a herd of cows decide whether to stand under a tree or wander over to a ditch. We might as well tune into Gus MacPherson as he laments the 1-0 loss to Dundee United: "The one thing I can't fault is the commitment and the effort. The game was won by a piece of magic. That was the difference between the teams – someone who can make something happen out of nothing." Well it hardly seems fair if teams are using magic now, it'll be dragons on the pitch at McDiarmid Park next. You mark my words.

First Division

I've been to Dumfries a few times, and I'll grant you it's not the most exciting town in the world. There are precious few casinos and I believe the Hanging Gardens are undergoing refurbishment. But according to the BBC the people of Dumfries are "gripped by cup ticket frenzy". Or to put it another way, people have been buying tickets for the cup quarter final with Hibs. It's hardly a frenzy, so far there have been no riots and the post office remains unlooted. Frenzy indeed. I mean, really.

Second Division

Now, try and remain calm. Seriously, no running into the streets screaming and rending your clothes. But Fraser Forest has extended his contract with Alloa until 2008. I know, it's dramatic but in these troubled times we owe it to ourselves to maintain a veneer of icy calm, outside that lies the madness.

Third Division

Could Dumbarton play a game at some point please? Every week they seem to face postponement after postponement. I don't care whether the pitch is frozen, under nine feet of water or covered in liquid, hot magma. Get the games played, I need something to witter on about.

Premiership

I feel I've been letting you all down recently, I really haven't being doing my best to dredge the very furthest corners of the internet to uncover the most insane transfer rumour nuggets that live there. But no more. Let there be lies.

Arsenal are always a hot bed of online nonsense. And this week we learn that Samuel Eto'o will definitely be joining the jolly band at Cash Burden Grave. But sadly with every great gift must come a price and that levy will be the transfer of either Henry or Adebayor to the Nou Camp. However, we do seem to have moved beyond the ‘Buffon will sign' into the ‘Buffon might not sign' hinterland, which can only end in the ‘I told you guys he wouldn't sign' situation. Of course there will be many spelling mistakes.

What news from perpetual under achievers Newcastle? Well now, the internet reliably informs me that both Micah Richards and Joey Barton will be joining in the summer. That would be 18 million for Richards and about 7 million for Barton.

Liverpool will have money to spend in the summer, some reckon up to 75 million. So who will they sign? Mr Internet, do your worst. *huge intake of breath*. Anton Ferdinand, Gabriel Milito, Daniel Alves, Micah Richards, Aaron Lennon, Sabrosa Simao, Shaun Wright-Phillips, Nigel Reo Coker, Rafael Van Der Vaart, David Villa and Jermain Defoe. Which would pretty much leave every other team in the league with no choice but to sign Andy Booth or Steve Calridge.

Oh and there's a rumour sweeping the exciting world of Tottenham message boards that Martin Jol has been given his marching orders. It's plainly nonsense but the weak lemon drinking community are getting themselves into a bit of a lather. Flasks are exploding throughout London. It's a worry.

Best laid claims

I really want Craig Gordon to sign for Celtic in the summer. Not because I am in any way a Celtic fan, just that it would amuse me to see the three players the Jambos should never have sold sign for a single club. But then I'm just nasty.