Football Briefing 6th April

Published on Friday 6 April 2007 12:14

Aberdeen

They appear to be putting modesty in the pies at Pittodrie, with Jimmy Calderwood admitting his side were a touch lucky to turn over Killie. Blushing furiously and blowing his fringe out of his eyes, young James said: "We definitely did not deserve three points. We didn’t even deserve a draw. We did not get going at all and there were a few choice words at half-time and a couple of sloppy goals have given us what could be a massive result. Maybe it would be an exciting last game of the season against Rangers." I think when you say exciting game there Jimmy, what you mean is 'hideous bloodbath'.

Celtic

The latest American to pitch up Parkhead would appear to be Greg Dalby. Actually, that's nonsense, he doesn't just appear to be him, he actually is Greg Dalby - who I'm sure we've all never heard of. He's a midfielder, 21, has an offer on the table from Siena and talks in words:: "Serie A is a good league and I have options elsewhere, but if I had the choice then I would pick Celtic every time. It would be a dream if I could win a contract." Italy or Duke Street? Italy or Duke Street? It's certainly a tricky one.

John Kennedy could be placed on loan this summer, possibly to America, or to Scandinavia. The lucky sausage. The defender of course atomized his knee playing for Scotland and is currently on his way back to full fitness. Which is probably why wee Gordon Strachan offered: "People have asked about getting him on loan, but we have spoken about trying to get summer football. At this point in time, that's what we're trying to do." Well Gordon, we sometimes play in Kelvingrove Park in the evening. But Neil wears Doc Martens and isn't the best at timing a tackle. Probably best to swerve it.

Paul Telfer's called it a day at Paradise for family reasons. He was off at the end of the season anyway, but the Hoops have cancelled his contract by mutual consent. Telfer explained: "I will leave soon because it's not ideal being away from my family, and I went a month without seeing my son. He has just started school so doesn't really appreciate what his dad has up in Scotland. He's more interested in Scooby Doo than football." Sensible lad. Sign up for next week's Talking Great Dane/Inconvenient Loss of Glasses in Haunted House Situation Briefing.

Dundee Utd

Craig Levein is going to play Lee Mair against Aberdeen, despite the Terrors defender having signed a pre-contract agreement with the Dons. Brave boy, Craig. He explained himself in this manner: "(Lee) is an excellent professional and I know he will do his best for the team." And as the eighth own goal rasps into the back of the net, I'm sure he'll still be saying the same thing.

Barry Robson got a bit excited last week, making all sorts of manly noises over not caring about Celtic and only wanting to do his best for the Terrors. So wound up was Barry that he stuck the nut on Lee Naylor and got himself sent off. Which wasn't really the flavour all in all. So now Barry's one booking away from a four-match suspension and Levein is considering not playing him for the rest of the season. Or as the BBC would have it: "Robson faces United cold storage". Which all sounds a bit too 'Walt Disney' to me.

Dunfermline

It's all looking quite bleak for the Pars, with the dark shadow of relegation now approaching like some manner of greased cougar. And manager Stephen Kenny was left lamenting some poor defending. I so rarely use the word lament outside a footballing and/or 14th-century troubadour context, I must look into that. So let us gouge ourselves raw to his lamentations, cue Stephen: "I thought we were the better team in the first half. We played some good football. Our defending has been good for about eight weeks now, but the goals we lost were very poor defensively. We certainly got punished for that and I'm disappointed with the second-half performance." Not to worry, I hear the First Division is lovely this team of year.

Falkirk

John Hughes likes Russell Latapy. At this stage, I have no information as to Russell's views on Yogi, though if he knows what's good for him, I should imagine he likes him back just as much. Following the Bairns' win over St Mirren, Yogi told the world: "I think there was a masterclass from Latapy in midfield. He and Patrick Cregg drifted into spaces and it worked a treat. Russell doesn't realise what he is bringing to the club with his training and the young kids watching his skills. He is different class. What he's doing for my club is absolutely fantastic – he has got another year in him." Hmmmm "what he's doing for my club", eh John? Is there something I haven't been told?

Hearts

Apparently John Collins inspired Hearts to turn over Hibs at Easter Road. That's what Craig Gordon reckons anyway: "We've kept cuttings of all the things we got stick about. And also the comments from the Hibs manager from the last time provided a lot of motivation. It's the first time I've ever won at Easter Road and I've played around 180 times for Hearts now, so it was about time." Not all 180 against Hibs though Craig, so don't be too hard on yourself.

Hibernian

John Collins is less than chuffed with his super soar-away cup-winning Hibees after they stuttered to a 1-1 draw with St Mirren at midweek. Running a hand through his silken locks, he said: "Far too many stupid fouls were always going to cost us dear. Rob Jones had a terrific game, but his mistake has cost us late on. We had a chance to kill it off at 1-0 but didn't take it. We were never at our best, there wasn't enough movement. It was very disappointing." Bafflingly he added: "I'm trying to teach them to play football, not wrestling." Well that's a relief and I'm glad we've got that sorted out early on in your managerial reign. It would be terribly embarrassing to turn up at Easter Road clad all in spandex with Limp Bizkit blaring in the background.

On second thoughts, maybe parading the CIS trophy after you've just been turned over by your city rivals at home wasn't the greatest idea in the world. Collins certainly seems to think so. He said all sorts of things, including: "It wasn't a good idea to have the parade after the derby, but it's done. But I thought, in the first half, we were terrific and controlled the match, but it's a cruel game." A cruel game, John? Blood and sand man, you just won a cup final. Some people are simply never happy.

Oh and Bolton are after Scott Brown. But that's fairly old news by now, I should imagine. He's certainly scary enough to play for the Premiership bully boys, so you never know.

Inverness CT

Craig Dargo is wanted by the big guns south of the border. I say big guns, as in Nottingham Forest. And he might go. Caley director Graeme Bennett summed up the situation: "Nottingham Forest's name is being mentioned as looking at Craig. And there are a few English clubs who have expressed some level of interest. But, as far as I'm aware, ours is the only firm offer he has. We've offered the best we can and Craig's been honest enough to say he wants to wait and see what's available, as his next decision is a big one. He's weighing up his options." It's hardly being honest to say you might like some more money. I say it all the time. And I'd nick your shoes if they weren't tied to your feet.

Nice stuff from Caley to grab an equaliser against the Gers and move us all one step closer to the the final day Dons v Bears mayhem-fest for second place. And Charlie Christie seems quite pleased too. He was beaming when he said: "I thought Darren Dods' sending off was rather harsh. But the really pleasing thing was the determination we showed to keep ourselves in the game. It was important that we kept it at 1-0 until half-time because I always though we would get a chance or two to get back into the game." I bet Charlie wears silk pyjamas. I'm not sure why I think that, but I'm convinced of it.

Kilmarnock

A very cross Jim Jefferies appears to have been the difference between Killie drawing with Motherwell and snatching a late winner on Tuesday night. That's the way the man himself seems to think anyway. Take from this what you will: "Motherwell were the better team in the first time and, after playing so well against Aberdeen on Saturday, there was a lack of application. We told them they can't pick and choose their games. We deserved something on Saturday and got nothing - yet tonight a draw would have been a fairer result and we got all three points." Well played Jim, rage is so often the answer in these circumstances.

Jim Jefferies was shocked, shocked I tell you, that his Killie side came away from the game with Aberdeen bearing nil point. Would you just look at the disbelief: "Kilmarnock were mugged. We blew them away the whole game, not just the first half." There's been a mugging; dear lord won't somebody summon a constable? He added: "In all the time that I have been here, I don't think we have dominated a game as much. I don't think our keeper, Graeme Smith had a save to make." Then you want to get him practising, Jim. Had he made two extra saves you wouldn't have lost 2-1, now would you?

Motherwell

Maurice Malpas has been happier with the Steelmen, it's safe to assume, and with the cruel gods deny him victory. He saw his side go down to a sickening late Killie goal at midweek. Loathe as I am to intrude on his grief, let's listen in: "We dominated the game, but we just didn't have our shooting boots on. Everybody says Kilmarnock should have beaten Aberdeen on Saturday. They got their luck back tonight. We had all the possession, all the chances, all the game, but we paid for a lack of concentration at the goal." But you would have thought the old shooting boots would have been an advantage…"Did you pack the shooting boots?"…"No Maurice, I've got the passing shoes and the knee-high challenge slippers"…"Oh well, when are we going to need the shooting boots, anyway? It's not like they'll get near the goal…" Something like that.

Rangers

Looks like Libor Sionko is heading for the exit at Ibrox. Apparently he feels a little uncertain of his future after Paul Le Guen left Edmiston Drive. I'm sure it must be a terrible worry. Anyway, what's he got to say for himself? "I have been fit for a long time, but I've not been playing, nor have I spoken to the manager very much. If my position doesn't change I will have to resolve it in the summer." You could always go and introduce yourself to that nice Mr Smith, Libor. That might help.

That nice Mr Smith was less than impressed with his side's performance against Inverness Caley. And who would be when you ship a late leveler to ten men at home. Here are his concerns: "It's a missed opportunity. We got off to a good start but failed to build on that. We fell away for the final half-hour in the first half and found it difficult to step up a gear." So what Walter's really saying here is that they played well for a whole 15 minutes. Outstanding stuff.

With Dado Prso giving it all up as a bad lot, the pressure is now on Smith to find a replacement. And the manager isn't taking the task lightly. Oh no. "We are obviously looking to bring in players during the summer. Dado's decision was a big one for us because he is the type of player that you love to have in your team and we're disappointed to lose him. The search has started for a possible replacement but it will be hard." I'd just go for Bosko Balaban like you were supposed to be doing last week. He's rubbish and I could do with a laugh.

St Mirren

In stark contrast to John Collins, Gus MacPherson is rather chuffed with the draw with the Hibees. It's always a treat to listen to a happy Gus, so let us bend an ear: "We thoroughly deserved a point. We conceded a very poor goal. I didn't think it was a free-kick. Hibs only created one other chance in the first half. There was a wee bit of concern that we started with only one up front, but we have to remember the quality of the team we were playing." And who raised these concerns? I don't recall even being in the least bit interested. They could have started with a crow up front and I would have barely raised an eyebrow.

Brian McGinty has left St Mirren it seems ... the 'old contract cancelled by mutual consent' technique. Here's agent MacPherson to tell us all about the striker's exit: "Brian has been extremely unfortunate over the last couple of years, as he has been plagued by injuries. It's unfortunate that these instances curtail a players time on the park, it's just not worked out for him." And he only scored 19 goals in 137 games, which may also have curtailed his time on the pitch a tad.

Despite the fact Kirk Broadfoot is on his way to Rangers in the summer, MacPherson still thinks he's aces. "There were a lot of questions asked about his character after he signed the pre-contract agreement. But he has been absolutely immense for us in the three or four games he has played for us since then. I've worked with him for the last three years and I know exactly what type of person he is. His character is not in question." I wasn't questioning his character, Gus. None of us were. We were just sitting here.

First Division

Don't be angry. I know you all love your First Division news, but there is genuinely nothing of interest to report this week. I know, I know. I'm as upset as you are. Honestly.

Second Division

Oh, and the same goes for the Second Division.

Third Division

And the Third.... I could say something pointless about Dumbarton, but it would be so much gravy in the wind.

Premiership

It's been a bit of a quiet week rumour-wise in the old Premiership. I have heard from a usually reliable source that Gareth Bale to Tottenham is a done deal. Indeed, that money has already changed hands and that Martin Jol sees him as a left-sided midfielder rather than a wing-back.

Liverpool might be making a move for Carlos Tevez after he seemed to remember how to score goals in the last couple of weeks. And they're still after Daniel Alves from Sevilla. Though judging by his performance in the UEFA cup on Thursday night he may struggle to stay upright in the lightest breeze at Anfield.

And Arsenal may or may not have done a deal for Franck Ribery. Obviously there's all manner of nonsense wafting about the internet, but we deal with facts here, FACTS. And unfounded rubbish of course. We do that too.

Best Laid Claims

We all know I'm a Spurs fan, and I have to admit I know a lot of people that were in Seville for the UEFA cup tie. To be honest, if we're going to behave like that I'd rather we were out of the competition. Dear god, don't tell anyone in London I said that.