Football Briefing 20th April

Published on Friday 20 April 2007 10:19

Aberdeen

The Dons are casting their net wide in the never-ending search for new and excitingly named players. This time the lucky candidate is Joseph Lapira a striker from Notre Dame. And as we all know it must be pronounced Noter Dame, because Americans are frivolous like that. There’s more as well, because the Pittodrie side might even do a player swap link thing with the home of the Irish and all. Look here’s Jimmy Calderwood talking about just that: “It’s a difficult market in the States and Canada because of work permits but I think he (Lapira) has an Irish mother so that wouldn’t be a problem.” Sounds like an Irish name that. There’s more: “I have coached in America a lot so I know the kind of quality that’s out there.” Ooooooh get Jimmy, ‘I’ve coached in America a lot’. Well I’ve been on a coach in America, but you don’t hear me boasting.

Celtic

Stephen Pressley is on the very verge of making history. Having invented the telephone, swum the Atlantic and become the first man to set foot on Pluto, the big defender is now keen to become the first player to win the Scottish Cup with three different clubs. So that would be Rangers in 1993, Hearts last year and possibly the Bhoys this year. Here he is passing comment on the epoch-defining feat: “It would be a really nice experience if it were to happen. Funnily enough, Neil McCann told me that he was the first player to win back-to-back Scottish Cups with different clubs when he won it with Hearts one year and then Rangers the following season. So I could do that this year and also to win it for three different clubs would be superb.” And it would also make you one better than Neil McCann, which is, of course, the main thing.

Of course, we shouldn’t forget that Celtic can wrap the league up at Kilmarnock this weekend. Were I a betting man I would say they probably won’t. Sadly, I’m not a betting man, I’m a whining and very tired man.

Dundee Utd

Dundee United have let me down this week. They’ve let you down as well and I’d go so far as to say they’ve let the whole school down. They’ve done nothing worthy of report. NOTHING. Not so much as a trialist in or a slightly disgruntled pigeon invading the boardroom. Dundee United, UP YOUR GAME.

Dunfermline

The SFA are going to wait until the very last minute before the Scottish Cup replay semi between the Pars and the Hibees before they make a decision on selling tickets at the stadium. Well not the very last minute, that would be madness, but they will make a decision the day before. I quite fancy going if there’s only going to be about eight fans there, that’s always entertaining. *has absolutely no intention of going, despite Hampden being within walking distance and there being nothing on the telly, ever*

Scott Wilson is apparently praying that missing the semi-final replay through suspension will turn out for the best. Presumably so he can fling himself about like a whirling Dervish in the final. Anyway, here he is: “If the boys get to the final, it’s turned out well for me. If they don’t, it’ll be disappointing.” Won’t it? But at the same time Scott, you can comfort yourself with the fact that you had nothing to do with losing the replay. And that’s the main thing isn’t it? Actually, reading on, he’s a game one this Wilson, look: “I never knew I was a booking away until I saw it in the back of the programme. I read it in the dressing-room and I was a wee bit twinkle-toes at the start because I’ve not played for a month and I’ve only trained three times or so. I was just trying to ease myself into the first half. I was breathing out of my behind for about 20 minutes, but the inevitable happened.” Well it would if you’re breathing like that and being all twinkle-toes. Whatever on God’s green Earth either of those statements are supposed to mean.

According to Pars boss Stephen Kenny, Dunfermline had the better chances in the 0-0 semi with Hibs. Should have scored one or two of them then Stephen. That’s the way you win matches. Catches win matches in cricket, so maybe you got confused with that.

Falkirk

It’s the Bairns versus Ajax in the pre-season friendly to be seen at on July 28. Not only are Ajax a pretty tasty side they also have the most magnificently named manager since Wolfgang Wolf managed Wolfsburg, the mighty Henk Ten Cate. Slightly less impressively monikered Falkirk boss John ‘Yogi’ Hughes had this to say: “Ajax will provide a first-class test for the boys as we prepare for the new season.” They will at that John, I’ll go so far as to say they’ll probably gub you rotten.

Hearts

Vladimir Romanov has rather unsurprisingly lost his appeal against a 10,000 fine imposed by the SFA. If you’re going to suggest that referees are biased against your club, you should kind of expect the SFA to get a little miffed. So Hearts have got 30 days to pay or, presumably, the SFA will send the boys round. I doubt very much if that is indeed how the Scottish Football Association operate, but for the purposes of this lecture we’ll just assume it is.

Not to worry though Hearts fans, Vladimir Romanov has promised to spend more time and money on the Jambos in the near future. Let joy be unconfined and break out the bunting mother, we’re going to have a hoedown. Anyway, he told it all to the club’s official magazine ‘The Beat’, here he is: “I really did devote a lot of money to the club. But, as for time, maybe not as much as needed. The debts existed before. Whatever they are, it’s important to work, to build the team for next season to come – and to fight.” A few questions arise from that. Firstly, why on earth is the official Hearts magazine called The Beat? Secondly, why doesn’t someone who owns a bank know what a debt is? And thirdly, can I go home now?

Hibernian

Alex McLeish, he of the Scotland managership, is tipping Scott Brown for the very top. The top he says. Or at the very least Tottenham or Bolton. Big Eck reckons Brown is the very man to propel Scottish footballers back to the heights of the English game. They said that about Barry Ferguson of course, but less said soonest mended. Stun us Eck: “He’s young, he’s made a couple of great performances for the national team and he’s won a cup final. He now takes on a new stature and I believe that will equip him no problem for playing in the Premiership, if that’s where he chooses to go.” He’s going to Rangers. That’s RANGERS.

Meanwhile, Brian Kerr is apparently on his way into the Hibees from Motherwell. I say apparently, BBC sport ‘understands’ it’s to happen. I understand a lot of things, it doesn’t make them true of course. He’s ‘believed’ to be negotiating a contract. They ‘understand’ this to be the case. Go on. Just say it’s a fact, we’ll all have forgotten it by the morning anyway.

Michael Stewart has been shown the door by Hibs, though it is in no way connected to the recent player unrest at the club. Unless you happen to read the Daily Mail, in which case it’s in all ways connected to the unrest at the club. And also if you happen to listen to the same people who occasionally tell me things. Simon Brown has also been told he can find another club, though that may be in some way connected to all but lobbing the ball into his own net against Rangers. We better let John Collins have a word: “Michael has not been singled out in any way. He has not been disciplined in any way and the club has stressed to him that it will honour all of its contractual obligations to him.” Apparently, Stewart may be on his way to Stoke. Back in the big time there Michael, back in the big time.

Inverness CT

Elton John would appear to have crushed Caley’s dreams of European football next season. Which is simply not the kind of story you see often enough. Apparently, the second round of the Intertoto Cup clashes with a Reg Dwight gig already booked at the Caledonian Stadium. Here’s director of football Graeme Bennet to fill us in: “We’re withdrawing our interest in the Intertoto Cup. The cup date clashes with an Elton John concert at the stadium, which would have been a big issue. We were also left hanging so late last year to find if we were in the Intertoto that we don’t want the same hassle. We’ll now look to fix up a training camp in Italy.”

Kilmarnock

Of course, this weekend is all about Celtic possibly winning the title at Rugby Park. And Killie have come down hard on anyone hoping to have a good time and have threatened any fans who sell on their tickets to Celtic supporters with a banning from future home games. Actually, to be fair, it would be mayhem if there was a load of Hoops fans in the Killie end but I do love to be unreasonable. Here’s chairman Michael Johnston being more reasonable than me: “If we find fans have given tickets away to Celtic supporters then we will consider banning them. But if you can’t trust your own supporters, then who can you trust?” Precisely Michael, who can you trust in this dark, dark age. And I think it’s unlikely you’ll find many fans giving their tickets away. Flogging them on the other hand…

Keeper Graeme Smith could be on his way at Killie after he turned down a new contract. Jim Jefferies is being nice about it though, see: “Unfortunately Graeme has turned his offer down and he’s trying to get an offer elsewhere. That’s his prerogative, and I hope he goes on and gets it and gets on well.” If you listen very carefully and face towards Ayrshire, you can almost hear Jim’s teeth grinding as we speak.

Motherwell

Maurice Malpas is all over keeping Krisztian Vadocz next season. He arrived on loan from Auxerre in January and by all accounts has done rather well. And he’s helping to shift some of the more unhelpful letters from the shirt-printing department of the club shop. So Maurice had this to say: “We are keen to keep him and he is enjoying his time here. We would be delighted to take him on a full season loan but a permanent move would be excellent. This would probably only happen if Auxerre let him go.” Or you could just buy him. Oh? Funds are a bit tight? I can lend you 93 pence until a week on Tuesday but the vig’s 20 points on the penny.

Meanwhile, the Steelmen are letting ten players go. I’m not going to list them, mainly because I can’t be bothered, but the big ones are Bobby Donnelly and Shaun Fagan. Phil O’Donnell has been told to prove his fitness before he’s offered a new contract for next season. Which may be a problem since he sat out a recent reserve game after feeling a ‘tightness in his calf’. Let’s hope his socks were just a bit small then.

Rangers

Rangers, in all there being-fancy-and-going-to-California-ness, are looking to set up a player exchange programme type thing with LA Galaxy. As we all know, LA Galaxy will soon be the team boasting the powers of David Beckham, so what better way to boost ones profile in the US of Stateside? So let’s hear Walter Smith’s reasoning: “We will be holding talks with a view to setting up an exchange scheme that can help develop players. With Beckham already signed, they will attract the cream of American players who want to play alongside a superstar.” Anyway, Rangers will be playing LA Galaxy in a friendly on May 23 in a bid to facilitate the link up. So that’ll be a nice wee holiday.

Walter Smith thinks it was a good idea of the Rangers fans to vote Brahim Hemdani their player of the year. He does you know, he’s saying it here: “He’s a quiet lad and goes about his business quietly as well. He’s had a terrific level of consistency since we came in. Prior to that he was playing at centre-half. It’s not his natural position but he stuck to the task. He’s played exceptionally well and it’s an award he thoroughly deserves.” And no-one could think of anyone else to give it to.

St Mirren

The Buddies appear to be clearing the decks a little, releasing a clutch of young players into the wild. Ryan Carr, Brian MacKay, Craig Marr and Robbie Weir have all been set free, presumably into a nearby field while Gus MacPherson wipes away a tear and cracks a rueful smile as they gambol off into the big bad world. Mark Docherty, Marc McAusland and Stephen McGinn will, however, remain in captivity after being offered new contracts.

First Division

Dundee boss Alex Rae won’t be fining himself after he picked up a second red card of the season against Partick Thistle. I wouldn’t fine myself either, but then I wouldn’t tell the Dundee Evening Telegraph all about it like Alex seems to have done. Look: “If it was one of the other players who was sent off in those circumstances, I would not fine him. I committed three fouls over the whole game and got booked for two of them, so I can consider myself unlucky.” Course you shouldn’t fine yourself Alex. On a similar point, I hear Chris Tarrant always wins at Who Wants To Be A Millionaire in rehearsals.

The Livingston job’s up for grabs and the latest hat to be thrown in the ring has got Graham Rix written on it. I really, really, REALLY hope Graham wears a hat with Graham Rix on it, that would amuse me enormously. Anyway, I was under the impression Terry Butcher was the man in the frame. Oh and look Craig Brewster as well, he did ever so well at Dundee United after all. *runs away giggling*

Second Division

Pat Clarke’s signed on for another year at Cowdenbeath and why shouldn’t he, he’s bagged 17 goals so far this term. And the manager likes him, look what Brian Welsh said: “He is a very important player for us and certainly has the potential to go much further in the game. His attitude is spot on and he is exactly the type of player I want at Central Park.” He also has a proper football name. Tommy Johnston, that’s a proper football name, as is Davie Irons. Cesc Fabregas is not a proper football name, though strangely Claudio Caniggia is. I’ve got books of these, trust me.

Third Division

East Stirlingshire might be kicked out of the league. Which would, in my considered opinion, be absolute rubbish. Any club that finishes bottom of the Third Division two years running can lose full membership according to SFL rules and a late run by Elgin has dumped East Stirling to the foot of the table. I won’t stand for them being chucked out, I simply won’t. The Third Division is such that they could just as easily finish second next season. There must be no expulsions. I’m quite sad now, leave me alone.

Premiership

Distasteful as it must be for everyone, the vast majority of the Premiership news at the moment is about Arsenal. Arsenal and their all but guaranteed slide towards mediocrity, disaster and destitution. If there’s any justice in the world anyway.

Certainly there’s something a bit rum going on at Cash Burden Grave. David Dein leaving the club with immediate effect amid dark rumours of an American takeover doesn’t bode terribly well. Not when you remember just how close Arsene Wenger and Dein are and how many times the Frenchman has poured scorn on the idea of a foreign takeover of the Woolwich Wanderers.

So it’s going to go one of two ways. Either Wenger will leave and more than likely Henry, Fabregas and assorted other players will head for the door soon after. Or the new owners will pour hundreds of millions into the club and the Premiership will become even more of a closed shop than it already is.

I’m hoping for the first one myself, let’s all join hands and ask the football gods to make it happen. It’s not for me, it’s for the good of the game.

Best Laid Claims

I’m not entirely convinced as to where to put this, so we’ll park it here. The SFL have voted 22 to eight against further talks with the SPL over forming a second division of the top flight. But, unsurprisingly, some rebellious types are talking about just going ahead with it and forming a breakaway league. Indeed, Livi chairman Pearse Flynn went as far as to say ‘a revolution’ might be called for. Well, if you like Pearse, but it’s hardly storming the Winter Palace. I hope they don’t manage it, it could ruin the lower leagues.