Anyone for tennis and Benny Hill-style lechery? Try the BBC

Published on Saturday 28 June 2008 19:46

TENNIS. FOR 50 weeks of the year the BBC barely acknowledges its existence, its endless plock-plock dreariness kept alive only in the red-button crypt of a digital remote. Then suddenly for two weeks, the entire corporation – from little Gary Richardson on Radio 4, via Jonathan Ross, to Tony Bloody Hawks – is given over to telling the world how Roger Federer has got his serve and volley game sorted out and that Wimbledon is a wonderful institution.

What a racket. I've never been able to take this seriously. When I was a kid, tennis was something that got in the way of the cricket. I didn't know anyone who liked the game, far less played it, and yet for this same fortnight, people of every shape and size would feign intimate knowledge of Miss Goolagong's forehand.

These pretendy tennis folks are still with us and Barry Davies is their representative on television. A Davies commentary runs the gamut of skills from B to C, B being the Blindingly Obvious ("good shot" or "she's found the net") and C standing for counting ("that the fourth game in a row to go with serve"). Anything else defies description, and the curious observer must go elsewhere for expert analysis.

And this is where the trouble really starts, because on the BBC even the experts can't take the game seriously, certainly not the women's side. The players may have battled for years to get parity of pay for providing half the entertainment, skill and excitement, but when Michael Stich, Pat Cash (right), Todd Woodbridge and Jeff Tarango turn up, it's only the titties and bums that matter.

The pheromone four are so tragic, they're almost funny. Stich's Radio 5 interview with Ana Ivanovic on Tuesday staked out their territory. Face to face with the No.1 seed and French Open Champion, one of the leading athletes in the world, these were his main questions: do you go shopping after a tournament win? Are you still single? (Answer: "Yes." Interviewer: "Good.") Do you get love letters? Who is your favourite mixed doubles partner? And finally, do you have a dog? (Who knows what depraved fantasy was racing through Stich's mind at that moment?)

When the discussion cut back to the studio, Cash chipped in with: "Did you put in a word for me?" while Woodbridge offered an anguished plea for wilting Australian manhood: "We need her!"

The next day, Ivanovic came up with a three-hour feat of endurance to defeat Nathalie Dechy (a player truly "unfancied" by the locker room lads), enough almost to warrant a serious discussion of her top-seed status. So who did Cash turn to for an expert assessment of the Serbian's performance, in his BBC podcast? None other than Have I Been Tabloid News For You star Angus Deayton. What had Angus seen on Court No.1? "We saw Ana Ivanovic, which was delightful, but I can't remember whether she won or not… ha ha." What about Novak Djokovic going out? "We were too busy looking at Ana."

Twenty four hours later, Cash offered insight into British No.1 Anne Keothavong ("great paira legs") before embarking on a jokey routine with Tarango, who told him he should wear a pair of shorts like those worn by Maria Sharapova. "I'm not sure I'll be able to get inside her pants … er shorts," quipped Cash. "Is that what you meant, when you said 'get into them?'"

By the way, these aren't the edited highlights. This is all the women's game is worth in the end-of-day summaries. So if it wasn't for the BBC, these witless, sexist jerks would have been buried with Benny Hill years ago, and just think how dull the world would be then. Three cheers for public service broadcasting anyone?

Unfortunately, because coverage from Wimbledon has overrun, my report on the first Euro 2008 semi-final has been cancelled, and all remarks about "Fatty" Terim struck from the record. Edited highlights of ITV's already legendary Tyldesley-Pleat commentary follow, from the second match of the week.

"Spain, the perennial underachievers." "There are ols, but it's early for ols – the time for ols is late on." "Cunning little passer, Fabregas." "Silva! Ol!"

It's been a fantastic tournament. We've learnt never to write the Germans off, but as Pleat might say, let's hope it's tapas tonight, Clive.