Aidan Smith: It's Saddam good thing, this Iraqi football portal

Published on Saturday 31 July 2010 13:02

You'd think I might have had my fill of football. Dismal domestic season; so-so World Cup. But there I was the other morning, following a man because of something I'd overheard in the newsagent's, then stopping him outside the fishmonger's and asking: "I believe you know how I might be able to see the Hibs game."

It was 7am and there was no-one else around, the only eyes on us belonged to the halibut and they were all dead, but this felt like a top-secret assignation, ripped from the pages of Len Deighton. The man blurted: "Type in Iraq-space-Goals" without me having to stab him with a poisoned umbrella.

Ah, Iraq-space-Goals - I'd been down this strange internet route before, hoping to tune in to Hibs' last visit to Celtic Park, but to no avail. Admittedly I'd been working with bum info, searching for a site I thought was called "IRA Goals", but even when I added the "q" my laptop refused to provide coverage. On Thursday, however, I got in. "Welcome to Iraq Goals Channel, TV Guide, all times CET... Jagiellonia Bialystok vs Aris Thessaloniki, FK Buducnost vs Some Unpronouncables, Gyori ETO vs A Bunch of Vowel-Deficients..." (Where is it? Where is it?] "Europa League qualifier, NK Maribor vs Hibernian."

Isn't technology wonderful? Many of you will already know your way around Iraq Goals Channel very well, but I am to computer literacy what Colin Nish is to lone striking, so allow me to luxuriate in the novelty, the unimpeachable exotica, of having my team beamed into my parlour at diddly cost in opposition to traditional televisual fare such as More Property Guff Featuring Thick Yahs, via a country some regard as hell on earth.

Forgive me, but does Iraq Goals Channel actually come from Iraq? Or is it "near Iraq", like Tillicoultry is "near Stirling"? Either way, this is fairly remarkable. We, Britain and America, think Iraq needs duffed up, then democratised and civilised - yet who contributes Iraq Goals Channel to the culture, to say nothing of the general well-being of fitba-starved nations? Who, really, is more advanced?

I was in, but fellow sufferers in green-and-white weren't. "I'm only getting scratchcard adverts," texted Rab, "and I can't find the mute button for the telly or the fricassee button for the microwave" (he wasn't in his own hoose but cat-sitting for friends). Meanwhile, my brother Sean was wondering about the advisability of installing something called a Veetle Player for better pictures or indeed any image at all.

Hibs were doing well. Actually they weren't, but distance and the tiny miracle of cyber-spectating without having spent hundreds of pounds to be in Slovenia to get soaked, lent enchantment. According to the Slovenian commentator, we were "Hibernio", our solitary striker was "Colin Neesh"... and John Rankin? He was "John Rankin" - some things don't ever change.

Then...corner! Only the Slovenian director chose that moment to cut to the women's javelin at the European Athletics Championships in Barcelona where a sonsie lass (Slovenian, presumably) was getting ready to throw. This happened quite a few times, without warning, and at the risk of a key incident or even a goal being missed. Clearly football is football in Slovenia but some things are more important.

At half-time I phoned my mates. Where there was darkness, I brought vital news about how many times Colin Neesh had ended up on his backside. Then, after commercials for Tus (Slovenian Spam), Bref (toilet cleaner, I think), my screen froze during an ad for Silan fabric conditioner and by the time I rejoined the game, Hibernio were two down.

Terrible result, brilliant concept. I don't know whether Iraq Goals Channel is legal, has corrupted my computer or resulted in me being placed on a Foreign Office file of persons requiring low-to-medium category surveillance - but on Thursday I felt weirdly privileged to see my team cock up through its portal on the fitba world.

Just think: if I hadn't been bold enough to approach that man outside the fish shop, I'd never have gained insight into the important things in the Slovenian lifestyle (Tus, Bref, Silan, javelins). Iraq Goals Channel restores a boy's innocent wonder in foreign lands, back to when Katie Boyle hosting the Eurovision Song Contest in a shimmering gown was the great ambassadress. And, yes, I'd play Katie up front for the return leg instead of Neesh.