Dani Garavelli: Adele’s riff on love hits a bum note for women

Published on Sunday 19 February 2012 00:00

I’M WORRIED about Adele. I know, you probably think she’s getting along quite well without any emotional input on my part, what with her six Grammys and the ten-bedroomed mansion complete with helipad and swimming pool that she’s just moved into.

Judging from her recent performance, her throat operation has been a complete success and she’s already eschewed alcohol and drugs, so she’s unlikely to go the way of Amy Winehouse or Whitney Houston.

What could there possibly be for a disinterested onlooker to fret about? Well, how’s about this for starters. Last week, the singer, whose most successful album 21 was famously inspired by heartbreak, appeared to announce she would be giving up music for five years to “invest” in her current relationship. At the height of her fame – when all of America is in her thrall – she pledged to put her career on the back burner to spend more time with her partner.

And – get this – this was not some idle whimsy she blurted out to friends on a night out. No, she only went and shared it with Vogue magazine, turning it into a grand gesture of undying love. Think what terror her comments must have sparked in the heart of divorcé Simon Konecki, whom she’s been dating for just a few months. “OMG, a bunny boiler,” you can imagine him muttering, as he grabs his coat and runs for the hills.

I suppose, when you think about the year Katy Perry’s had, you can see Adele’s point. If only Perry had spent less time living the life of a sexy rock chick, and more putting her husband’s tea on the table, she might still be married to Russell Brand. On the other hand, she might be lolling in her dressing gown at midday, feeding her newborn and watching Rihanna videos on a loop, while Brand tried to bed a fresh clutch of ingenues. Just because you’re always available, doesn’t mean your partner will appreciate you more ... as many a previously happy couple has had the misfortune to discover in retirement.

Perhaps Adele’s desire to chuck it all away was caused by the sheer scale of her success. Winning six Grammys brings its own stresses. Even if she worked flat-out, how could she better that? And, of course, Adele already knows the toll a career as a musician can take on your life. “If I am constantly working, my relationships fail,” she is quoted as saying. “So at least now I can have enough time to write a happy record. And be in love and be happy.”

Romantic though it might seem, however, the idea that you necessarily improve a relationship by “investing in it” is spurious. It’s a bit like happiness, I guess. The more time you spend focusing on it at the expense of other interests, the more likely you are to kill it off. Which is not to say you shouldn’t do all the kinds of things they recommend in couples’ therapy – remembering to show affection, for example, and keeping the lines of communication open. But constantly reminding your partner about all the sacrifices you’re making so the relationship will succeed places them under intolerable pressure. And with the best will in the world, it’s not an exact science – you can’t just put in X amount of time and Y amount of effort and guarantee a successful outcome. If, like Adele, you are forcing yourself to give up an integral part of your identity, then you’re unlikely to feel whole without it. And if what made you attractive to the other person was your feisty, independent spirit, they’re unlikely to be overly grateful it when you turn into a submissive homebird.

Adele’s comments are also not very – how can I put it – PC. Oh, I know feminism is all about giving women choices, and if she wants to give up everything she’s ever worked for for lurve that’s up to her. But you can’t imagine Mick Jagger ever putting his rock career on hold to concentrate on his relationship with Bianca nor Bob Dylan with Sara. It could be considered selfish for musicians of stature to deprive the world of their talent. And it does send out the message that a woman should be judged not by her character nor her achievements, but on her ability to hold down a relationship.

Worse still, Adele has form for this kind of thing. Last year she said she would have swapped all her success not to have broken up with her ex-boyfriend. “I would still be singing in the shower, of course, but yeah – [I would have given up] my career, my friendships, my hobbies. I would have given up trying to be the best.” There’s surely something wrong if, in the 21st century, a woman with the world at her feet; a woman, who, at 23, is too young to hear the ticking of her biological clock, is willing to sublimate her needs to please her man?

Thankfully, even Adele seems to have realised her mistake. Because no sooner had she said whatever it was she said to Vogue, than she was playing it down. “I’ve a few days off now, and then it’s the Brit Awards here at home and then I’m straight into the studio. BOYYAHH! Five years? More like five days!” she wrote on her official website. Which is just as well. Although heartache does seem to get the singer’s creative juices flowing, no-one wants to see her suffer unnecessarily. And there’s nothing more likely to scupper a fledgling relationship than the sense that it’s the be-all and end-all.

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