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Sunday, 6th December 2009

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Kayt Turner

Kayt Turner: 'Mothers aren't meant to meet. They're not meant to get together and chat about you' THERE'S always a big difference between your mother and Other People's Mothers. Your mother wouldn't dream of letting you go to that party on Saturday night, but – as you were always keen to point out – "but whyyyyy? Other People'

Kayt Turner: 'The search for perfect trousers is far more all-consuming than trying to find Mr Right' YET another one of those money-for-old-rope type surveys was done last week, asking the nation's female populace about their attitudes to shopping.

Kayt Turner: 'I don't mind someone having the same card – as long as I hand mine over first' YOU'LL know if Mr Turner is reading my column this morning, because you'll hear the shriek from where you are. What shriek, I hear you ask? The one that's inevitable when he reads in this column that I left John Lewis yesterday morning h

Kayt Turner: 'Women are dressing like Eskimo Nell and men embrace their inner baffie-wearer too' I'VE been moaning all week that the heating hasn't been working properly. It certainly hasn't been working to my specifications, which are geared more towards Bora Bora temperatures than the Brora ones we seem to have been enduring recen

Kayt Turner: 'Mr Turner is approaching a landmark birthday. A big one with an "0" at the end'

Kayt Turner: 'Mr Turner doesn't think he has anything to hide which, looking closely, is true enough'

Kayt Turner: 'The bride chose to tell the breakfast party exactly how her wedding night had gone'

Kayt Turner: 'If you wore it first time round, you should be disqualified from wearing it ever again'

Kayt Turner: 'We had a wee MG I named Maude after her colour and a well-known stripper'

Kayt Turner: 'Chas 'n' Dave are to split. Even now, I can't see the words without weeping'

Kayt Turner: 'I'm aware of most of my imperfections - and a 'tache ain't on eof them'

Kayt Turner: 'It may be worthy to think of the ice caps, but I don't want to turn into one just yet'

Kayt Turner: 'We looked like sparkly albinos as we waltzed around the floor'

Kayt Turner: 'I can smile until my face aches and all you are going to see is the face ache'

Kayt Turner: 'Predictably, the hotel reception blamed our broken telly on the ghost'

Kayt Turner: 'Alex stands up when a lady enters a room. He even stands up if I enter a room'

Kayt Turner: 'My mate thinks that this is taking this season's pirate look too far'

Kayt Turner: 'I'd really like to strip our house back – in theory. But where do you start?'

Kayt Turner: 'Our guest would bring his own bedding, his own food, and his own exercise ball'

Kayt Turner: 'Clothes Twin has excellent taste – I should know, it's the same as mine'

Kayt Turner: 'The conversation proved a blow to any youthful pretensions we might have had'

Kayt Turner: 'I should have remembered. Horses sweat, men perspire and ladies glow'

Kayt Turner: 'After carrying your weight in Tupperware you find a picnic spot among the cowpats'

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