What's your number?

Published on Saturday 5 April 2008 19:47

Is our fascination with other people's sexual history more questionable than Nick Clegg's claimed conquests, asks Nicholas Christian

IT WAS a very British response to a very British story. Nick Clegg's revelation to GQ magazine that he'd had "no more than 30" sexual partners before meeting his wife at the age of 24, provoked much sniggering in the red-tops and spawned a glut of smutty headlines, many of which involved the phrase "getting his Cleggover".

In loftier circles, the admission, made with the same faux coyness that accompanied William Hague's claim to have drunk 14 pints a day between the ages of 15 and 21 – was greeted with a degree of disdain: why on earth would anyone, never mind a public figure, spill the beans on an aspect of their lives that is no one's business but their own?

Yet, gratuitous or not, Clegg's admission has given a contemporary twist to an age-old debate on sexual mores – and it has quickly become clear there's no consensus. While, for some, the Lib Dem leader's supposed tally seems entirely unremarkable for a man of his age, it has left others – like Hugh Grant faced with Andie MacDowell's litany of lovers in Four Weddings And A Funeral – wondering "what on earth they've been doing with their time".

So what is the truth about changing attitudes to sex in contemporary Britain? Is passing judgment on people on the basis of their sexual history a thing of the past? Or is there still a difference between the way men and women are expected to behave? And just what is an 'acceptable' number of partners in the sexually liberated, post-Aids-scare noughties?

If you read a lot of Alan Warner or watch programmes such as Skins or Sex In The City, you might have the impression we are living in an anything-goes era where people are fussier about what clothes they wear than with whom they sleep.

Yet, according to sex and relationship psychologist Dr Petra Boynton, young people today may in fact be more restrained than their baby boomer grandparents, who were at the cutting edge of sexual experimentation in the Sixties. "For all that you hear about young people's laid-back attitude towards sex and the way they enjoy 'friends with benefits', they are in fact very conservative, very traditional when it comes to sex – particularly the girls.

"They are in a weird position because, even at 16 or 17, they are supposed to be sexually literate, but they are still looked down on if they sleep around. They are supposed to be good in bed and up for a threesome, but only if their boyfriend suggests it."

Certainly, Briony, 38, believes the notion that no one cares how many sexual partners you've had nowadays is a fallacy. "I've had 13 sexual partners. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but I still considered saying eight when you first asked me because I think people do still make judgments, especially about women.

"If a man comes into the office and says I've slept with 10 women this week, he'll get a big slap on the back from his mates. But if a woman wants to have several sexual partners she needs to be very discreet. It doesn't take very long for a woman to get a reputation as being 'up for it.'"

For others, though, the days of worrying about being branded 'loose' for having sex before marriage are long gone. "I've probably slept with between 40 and 50 men, which is higher than some of my friends, but not something I've ever felt bad about," said Fiona, 37.

"When I was in my twenties, I guess it was something I discussed with new partners. But once I got into my 30s, I think I was beyond that kind of discussion. The only difference I can see between the way men and women behave is that men often have sex without any intention of having a relationship whereas, mostly, I was at least open to the idea."

Patricia, 41, believes a growing awareness of Aids as a mainstream disease in the Eighties, curtailed women's sexual freedom. "All of a sudden you had to start thinking about carrying a condom, and the message that sent out," she said. "Did it make you seem responsible and prepared, or easy and available? It was difficult."

Patricia is also more ambivalent about her sexual history (she says she slept with between five and 10 people before marrying in her mid-20s). "It depends on your starting point really. I mean, if you believe sex is something that really ought to be for marriage then any partners outside that might be a source of regret."

Our fascination with other people's sexual history is not difficult to understand. "We are interested in other people's houses and their lifestyles, and interest in their sex lives is an extension of that," says Boynton. "Also, we live in a sexualised world, but we aren't always given the skills to handle that, so we experience a degree of insecurity and anxiety. We believe we should be having fantastic sex all the time and we want to look at what other people are doing to see if we are normal."

But does listening to the (possibly inflated) claims of public figures fuel or ease those insecurities? Nick Clegg's "no more than 30" may seem high to some people, but his attempt to establish his credentials as a stud with the laddish audience of GQ pales in comparison with the questionable claims made by the likes of Julio For All The Girls I've Loved Before Iglesias, who said he bedded 3,000. Or rock star Gene Simmons, who reckons he would be entitled to put 4,600 notches in his bedpost, if only he could find one big enough.

Then there is the incorrigible Jack Nicholson, who once boasted he might have fathered 9,000 progeny. Even if he's been sexually active for 56 years of his 70 years, that comes in at around 160 a year, or one every two or three days. But OK Jack, if you say so.

Meanwhile, Cheryl Tunney, 18, was recently taught that flaunting your sexual prowess is an exclusively male sport when she was branded promiscuous for claiming in a BBC documentary to have slept with 50 men – many of them strangers – since losing her virginity at the age of 16.

Away from the questionable tallies of the shagathon/bragathon, however, life is a lot tamer. Pete, 41, says he's had sex with around 10 women "depending on how you define sex".

He added: "It always seemed to me everyone else was getting more than me, but maybe everyone felt the same way. Certainly, looking back, I would have liked to have slept with a few more, but I do think an endless succession of meaningless encounters must be a pretty soulless experience. The one week I struck really lucky and woke up with a different girl on three consecutive mornings I felt tawdry."

Katherine, 40, is equally phlegmatic about her more limited experience. "I've only slept with two people – but then I met my husband when I was 18. From time to time I do think it would have been nice to have had experiences with different men, but then again I'm not sure I'm the kind of person that would have felt fulfilled by a succession of shorter-term relationships or one-night stands.

"If I wanted to be competitive I suppose I could say that – since I've never really been single – my sex life has probably been at least as active as anyone else's."

In film and television, stereotypes have long been challenged, with both men and women seen as far more in control of their sexual destinies than they used to be. In the aforementioned Four Weddings And A Funeral, for example, Andie MacDowell's character is portrayed as uber-confident and sophisticated rather than sluttish when she places herself sexually "less than Madonna, more than Princess Di – I hope".

Yet, in real life, many people seem to feel under pressure to live up – or down – to an imaginary ideal of what constitutes normal.

"I think the obsession with 'how many' sexual partners people have is mainly driven by the media," says Boynton. "But I think it is useful to be having this conversation. There are so many pressures on young people and they should realise it's not how many partners you have, but how you feel about it that matters.

"Some people have lots of sexual partners because they want to – they carry condoms and are very clear about what they are looking for with those they sleep with. But others do it because they are looking for a relationship, and when it doesn't happen it makes them feel bad about themselves.

"What we should be saying is that it doesn't matter how many sexual partners you have ... so long as it's what you want and you behave safely and responsibly."

That may be the case, but humans being, well, human, insecurities are likely to persist as long as there men to brag and researchers to conduct sex surveys.

So, we have to ask. Dr Boynton, what is a 'typical' strike rate in this day and age?

"The average figure generally quoted for sexual partners in a lifetime is nowhere near as high as 30 or 40, it's closer to 10," she concludes. "But, of course, it varies greatly from person to person."