DCSIMG

Top ten best and worst jokes from this year's Edinburgh Fringe . . .

The best...

1. Tim Vine: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2. David Gibson (as Ray Green): "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3. Emo Philips: "I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them."

4. Jack Whitehall: "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought' - I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5. Gary Delaney: "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6. John Bishop: "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7. Bo Burnham: "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8. Gary Delaney: "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9. Robert White: "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates - empty."

10. Gareth Richards: "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub."

. . . and the worst

Sara Pascoe: "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."

Sean Hughes: "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"

Gyles Brandreth: "I've got nothing against lesbians. I mean, that's the point isn't it?"

Doc Brown: "I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price."

John Luke Roberts: "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."

Sarah Millican: "I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit. I suppose that it's not enough to just buy it."

Bec Hill: "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."

Dan Antopolski: "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."

Andi Osho: "Floella Benjamin is in the House of Lords. How did she get in, through the round window?"

Gareth Richards: "My mother is always taking photographs of me - she said if you disappear tomorrow I want you to look good on the news."

Emo Philips: "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

 
 
 

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