They didn't know about my barrow

Published on Friday 30 January 2009 08:59

GOD, I so desperately wanted to grab the mic and leap into the pulpit in South Leith Parish Church at that gala presentation of medals to folk who, one way or another, have contributed to the local community.

I won a silver in these Pillars of Leith awards but only the golds, the bigger hitters, were invited to address a congregation larger than you'd see at Easter Road.

Ever one to crave an audience, I wanted to justify my recognition by listing my credentials . . . my maternal granny and grandad lie in the kirkyard, I did a milk round for Leith co-op, I went to Leith Academy primary and secondary, the previous minister Jack Kellett and I organised a glittering Sons of Leith dinner across the Kirkgate in Trinity House, I switched on the kirk's inaugural floodlights, my granny in 1931 was presented with a silver teapot from the ladies of the mothers' meeting for scrubbing the pew floors.

Besides, my mother used to drag me screaming (we lived two blocks away) to the morning service every Sunday until, one Sabbath, I pleaded: "ma, can we no stop this, I'm 43 now."

What more would they have cared to hear? What did they want? Blood? In any case time was short, the show, with interludes filled by Leith Academy's musicians and singers (surely I'll make dux for all this), was running on some.

Had they been subjected to me chuntering away, they'd have missed the last 22 from the foot of Leith Walk.

Maybe next time, when I win gold, I'll have a Kate Winslet moment, collar that mic and bombard them with the story of my life.

PS: I meant to add that when I was assiduously delivering milk to malnourished Leithers for "the Store", they gave me my own barrow, just like Sean).

Afterwords . .

. . . betting pundit John McCririck blustering about women: "Never buy them flowers, they'll only expect them every day. Never go in the kitchen for the same reason. In fact, remember that, when you're in the kitchen, you're an invader. Women love cooking and scrubbing and we mustn't disturb them."

Just remember, lads. If your sweetheart sends a letter of goodbye, you'll feel much better once you've had a pie. I've been there before.