The Sketch: David gets the message as Holyrood is hit by a terrible outbreak of consensus

Published on Thursday 5 February 2009 21:37

THEY were debating the stupid economy at Holyrood yesterday morning. It's an important subject. There was even one person in the public gallery when I arrived.

It's a shame good debates get so little attention, and that fine speeches disappear in the ether. That said, there was so much consensus yesterday, following last week's horror show of fear and loathing, that proceedings eventually degenerated into a sickly goo of commonplace utterances. Thankfully, Helen Eadie (Lab) resumed abnormal service by going off her onion. But more of that in a minute.

Interestingly, it was the notoriously non-consensual David Whitton (Lab) who first tortured my earlobes. The abrasive bruiser and uber-unionist rose to ironic groans from the Nats. David: "Thank you, presiding orifice."

Nat voice: "That's enough!"

David: "That's from the reasonable man in the SNP, from a sedentary position. Shows how reasonable he is."

I wasn't sure who he meant. Not Rob Gibson, by all accounts. Quoth David: "Rob Gibson seems to think he has one hand tied behind his back with a budget of 34 billion. Heaven knows what he would be like with his other hand untied." Whitton reminded parliament that it operates within the UK, which had baled out the nominally Scottish banks. Yes, we are not worthy etc.

Jim Mather (SNP) said independent countries like Norway could tailor their fiscal policies to "enhance their strengths and address their weaknesses". In Scotland, however, decisions were "taken elsewhere". He sounded reluctant to even mention it and passed on quickly. Curious. Probably didn't want to rehash the same old rows.

Robert "Combover" Brown (Lib Dem) excoriated David's contribution, and hoped the Labour voices of Malcolm Chisholm and Peter Peacock were more representative. On Scotland's being able to borrow funds, he averred: "It's one of the weapons that should be in the toolbox." What kind of toolbox does he keep? Sounds more like an armoury. I'd envisaged his toolbox consisting of the usual manly things, like hair extensions, combs, lotions, and discarded toupees.

David got up again to tell Robert the Lib Dems should have waited until the Calman Commission had reported, on every constitutional possibility except independence, before having this debate.

Voice: "So negative!"

Robert: "We have the potential for a powerful coalition of the major parties in Scotland." I think he was including the Lib Dems in that description. He – one of parlie's several fine Englishmen, be it noted – added that he hoped the "fainthearts in the other parties" would be more constructive.

The SNP's Ian McKee (another Englishman) responded delightedly: "I have castigated various Liberal Democrat members as being foolish, misguided, intemperate, disorganised, confused and vapid. Whereas I now realise that they are wise, scholarly, dependable and an example to us all."

John Park (Lab) said jokingly: "I am a little worried, presiding orifice, about this outbreak of consensus", though he acknowledged that his colleague next to him – the aforementioned Whitton – did his best to prevent that. John added: "I think there is a sensible amendment from the Conservatives."

Derek Brownlee (Con) responded: "The Labour amendment, we think, is entirely sensible."

BY THIS stage, parliamentary flunkies were handing out sick-bags to the three people now in the public gallery and to a party of schoolchildren dragooned in to watch the proceedings. You could tell many of them would have preferred to get the belt.

Earlier, I promised you a report of Helen Eadie's latest wobbler. She started off in her usual manner, reading straight from her notes. A clock ticked loudly, a mouse snored, and tumbleweed blew across the floor. Then Helen exploded. I've no idea what sparked it, something a Lib Dem said perhaps. But suddenly she started ranting about Lib Dem "hypocrisy" on jobs in Fife. Why single out Fife? "I am angry on behalf of my constituents!" she frothed, and for a moment I thought she was going to start greetin'. I couldn't make out what she was on about, particularly when she referred to "Jim Spowart, my friend and the founder of Intelligent Finance". Obviously not named after her. She concluded: "For me, actions speak louder than words." Correct. Sit down.

David Whitton, meanwhile, had got the message about consensus. Kneading his hands like Uriah Heep, he said: "This is one of those rare parliamentary occasions where we are all coming together." Not all. Jeremy Purvis (Lib Dem) stopped him in his tracks by accusing him of hypocrisy in bewailing job losses at Lloyds TSB-HBOS-Whatever, after he'd supported the merger.

Whitton whimpered that he thought everyone was going to stand together. "I welcome the Liberal motion today," he added weakly.

The economic theme continued at First Minister's Porkies where Elmer Fudd, the Labour leader, asked Eck Salmond what he'd been up to, and the latter said he was "implementing the Budget so resoundingly passed by virtually the entire parliament yesterday".

Fudd fired another dud, saying: "The credit crunch is coming on top of the Salmond Slump." Ah, the allure of alliteration. Fortunately, the FM forbore from firing any eff-words at Fudd.