The Big Yin may hold the answers

Published on Thursday 7 December 2006 12:12

SO how good a citizen are you? Not a very good one, it would seem, if you cannot pass the new test anyone wanting to become a British/Scottish citizen has to sit as of last Tuesday.

Like so many daft ideas the Government has borrowed in this paranoid age, this one comes from America. But in the States they've found most native Americans (not those formerly called 'Injuns', but all 300 million of them) could not pass the US test.

Hardly surprising, as a recent poll found 70 per cent of American senior high school students could not locate the North Pole on a globe.

No matter. What is striking about our new British one is not how it sounds a bit like Norman Tebbit's cricket test, but how unsuitable it is for those migrating to Scotland.

Instead of asking "where would you find the Geordie, Cockney and Scouse dialects" they should be tested on the Leith, Fife or Prestonpans patois. As for Weegie, forget it, as even we can't understand that.

As for "who is the head of the Church of England", here's a clue - it's not Lily Savage or Danny la Rue.

And shouldn't it be "what is an MSP" rather than an MP?*

But surely, with devolution, if there is going to be such a test there should be a Scottish one? After all, we could be heading for independence if recent polls are anything to go by.

As an agnostic on independence - could it be any worse, no, but is it worth the hassle? - I think we should seek guidance from none other than Billy Connolly, the man voted top Scottish icon in a St Andrew's Day survey. What a load of polls, you may well say.

Connolly, I am sure, would definitely bin this absurd citizenship tests, but that might not be all. I bumped into him not long ago at Fountainpark. He was not off to Tynecastle but attending the Edinburgh Film Festival.

After asking if his chums Fergie and Prince Charles were in good nick, I quizzed him on what he thought of Holyrood. Arthur's Seat's eruption a million years ago had nothing on his response.

"Whit! It's a 400 million doocot. Scottish Parliament, more like a numptorium."

To be truthful, I knew the Big Yin was rabidly anti-nationalist. He'd just had a pop at the other contender for the title of greatest living Scotsman and his politics. "Connery couldn't find his way to Scotland in a taxi."

Billy also added that while he loved being Scottish, "I am a citizen of the world."

Which really gets me round to the suggestion would Billy not be an ideal head of state if Scotland ever did become independent? It would definitely reassure unionists and for an agnostic like myself who's still uneasy about some aspects of nationalism - not the SNP, they're Nat-lite - Connolly would be the perfect antidote for any of us who got carried away.

Like the US constitution, where we started after all, it would be a perfect "check and balance".

At the state opening of parliament in Holyrood, Billy in his banana boots could be relied upon to keep the Presiding Officer George "Colonel" Reid and the MSPs in their place. After all, it was Billy who said any desire to be a politician should immediately disqualify you.

King Billy could also get rid of that daft little sign at Edinburgh Airport that must make any sane Scot cringe "The Best Wee Country in the World." Funniest wee country, maybe - show me another that has a square sausage.

Meanwhile, King Billy would ensure we didn't fancy our tattie too much. Remember, this is a man who boasts of his hatred of golf and whisky.

King Billy would also be most welcoming to immigrants conducting his own citizenship tests: What is Holyrood? (a) a numptorium (b) a doocot or (c) the White Blether Club.

He would also be a magnificent role model, not just for immigrants, but for all of us.

When I asked him about this he said he'd only be happy if young people looked at him and thought: "I'll have a go at that. You can be a nutter all your life."

*Answer: A numpty, of course.

Rasher decision is right one

THE festive season is upon us and like my esteemed colleague John Gibson, my presence is demanded at numerous functions.

But not even the Hogmanay celebrations could match the do at Marina's Cafe in Cockburn Street. Marina serves the best bacon roll and coffee in Edinburgh along with The Globe in Henderson Row.

Her eclectic clientele were out in force from High Court judges to eminent members of the rag trade and one or two who had appeared in the dock.

What a swell party it was. It must be in her genes. Her father Dominic Crolla ran The Tiffin in Easter Road when the Famous Five and Baker Boy used to gather there after training.

Many in the know attribute Hibs' glory days to Dominic's bacon butties.

I've got faith in our Faith

FAITH LIDDELL, the newly appointed Festivals supremo, is just the gal to duff up any rivals to Edinburgh and strong-arm the Executive, the council and VisitScotland into handing out more dosh. The Dalkeith lass showed her mettle at the Book Festival in 2000 when she ensured Ann Widdecombe got out of Edinburgh alive.

This was before the Tories had turned all soft and cuddly and Widdecombe's appearance in Charlotte Square, plugging a book, had the angry brigade out in force. As the SWP and Popular Front for the Liberation of Baberton tried to pull down the tent Widdecombe was cowering in, Faith barged her way through baying mob, dusted down Miss Widdecombe, led her out to the police escort that had just arrived and packed her into a taxi.

A lady indeed who knows her arts from her elbow.

• Stephen Jardine is away