Talk of the Town: Flatulent Fresian puts wind up the Cowgate

Published on Friday 20 November 2009 10:14

GALE warnings for the Cowgate as Norrie Rowan reveals that the life-size cow's bum on the wall of his Caves nightclub is ready to start passing wind again.

The flatulent Friesian was acquired by Mr Rowan in 2007 but has latterly been out of sorts.

"Deflation was diagnosed and we've had to adjust the mechanism which causes the tail to rise and a dry ice machine to pump out smoke, which will now be a twice-daily occurrence at noon and midnight" he says.

There is a serious side to the beast.

"Transport is responsible for only 11 per cent of global warming whereas 18 per cent comes from livestock. I wish the authorities would take more note of that and hopefully the cow draws attention to their folly."

Meanwhile, Mr Rowan is planning a novel competition for New Year's Day. "It would be good to invite some musicians along to see how many could actually hit a cow's a*** with their banjos" he says.

Grant hopes new 'tache will grow on panto audiences

GRANT Stott caused a stir at Wednesday's Forth Awards sporting a new, less-than-impressive moustache. He assured Talk of the Town that the 'tache was in its infancy and would eventually help him to achieve the perfect pirate look for his pantomime appearance at the King's Theatre. He says he is modelling the new look on Johnny Depp but is concerned it may end up more Johnny Vegas.

It's a funny business

WEST Lothian Federation of Small Businesses is boasting of bagging another "top political speaker" for its annual dinner.

It's promising a night full of "wit and wisdom" tonight, with the wisdom provided by John Swinney.

Nobody tell Mr Swinney that he's a last-minute replacement for cry-off Kenny MacAskill. And for that matter, nobody tell Mr MacAskill that he was a replacement for Nicola Sturgeon.

Fortunately the wit will be provided by Susan Morrison who needs no stand-in. Why not read her column on the left when you've finished this?

No-go for rugby show

HALT, who goes there? That was the command at Murrayfield, where reporters were ordered to assemble at the gates before being "escorted" to a press conference. Scottish Rugby big-wigs didn't want visiting press in town for tomorrow's Australia test "spying" while our national team trained. Never mind that inside the gates remained the official souvenir shop which customers were still free to visit . . . providedthey were not wearing cork hats and dangling cameras. As for the highly sensitive press conference – that was to announce a Scotland A team to play Tonga which the Aussie media understandably sidestepped anyway!