Susan Morrison: All manner of trouble in matters of etiquette

Published on Friday 11 September 2009 10:57

EMILY Post, that doyen of good behaviour, tells us that the origin of the word etiquette comes from Versailles, where Louis XIV had a master gardener who was, and I quote, "an old Scotsman". This horticultural genius was miffed because French courtiers kept tromping about on his lovely lawns so he put up warning signs or tickets, "etiquettes", saying "keep off the grass". But the flunkeys ignored the signs, so our determined Scot complained to the King with such vigour th

Who knew Groundskeeper Willie had such an illustrious past? When Scots make rules, don't break them.

The Scots have always been big on manners. Our table manners were commended, and the chivalric behaviour of our nobility was held in high regard. This was, of course, because most of our aristocracy were psychopathic lunatics who regularly indulged in eye-popping acts of violence. Good manners were fairly essential if you wanted to make it through dinner.

But good manners change with time. In Emily's day, for example, "No lady is ever, except to the president of the United States, a cardinal, or a reigning sovereign, presented to a man." Leaving aside the obvious problem that our reigning sovereign is a woman and thus apparently unable to speak to herself, why just the president of the United States? I know a lot of women would run rather than be faced by a leering Silvio Berlusconi, but it does seem a bit harsh that Barack Obama has to do all the talking for the team, and does this mean that Angela Merkel may be indeed the Chancellor of Germany but she'll still have to stick around waiting for a cardinal to be introduced to?

Here in Leith I regularly see women speak to men, usually in cars. I assume these ladies are giving helpful directions to the drivers. It's time Emily's guide was updated for the modern world.

So, to begin with, and I realise this will come as a shock to some people, mobile phones are not surgically attached to the ear. Therefore it is entirely possible that they can be removed when boarding a bus. Other passengers might not necessarily want to know the details of your colonic irrigation treatment. You can also remove the mobile phone whilst being served in shops without damaging yourself. Please also remember that switching off the mobile phone will not affect your heart rate. It is quite possible to survive for years without your friends being in constant contact with you. This is especially true for funerals. If you have to leave your phone on, it's presumably because your donor brain has finally become available, since you clearly are a glaikit brainless twit.

Who's the daddy? Tricky one, this. A supermarket encounter with an old friend you have not seen for some time. Indeed, your last meeting was to loan her your shoulder whilst she drank the alcohol allowance of the entire Women's Institute. Her husband had been caught cheating. Through tears of Chardonnay she told you she was going to take him to the cleaners, leave him with nothing but the mortgage and men were all b*******. Now she stands before you clearly a blossoming mother-to-be. Congratulations are in order, but how does one raise the subject of paternity? Asking outright: "Who's the father?" is a bit Jeremy Kyle. I recommend clearing the throat and looking pointedly at the bump. I do not recommend the American model, which apparently is to ask who the "conception partner" was. No, seriously, they do.

The quagmire of etiquette can trap even the celebrity. Imagine this improbable situation. You are a "model" famous for her frontal elevation, you go into a reality TV show set in the jungle and there you meet an oddly orange coloured gentleman. You fall wildly in love, and tell only a few close friends, such as Hello!, OK! Glamour and Scottish Angling Monthly. Big wedding, even bigger dress and huge press coverage follow. But catastrophe strikes and your fairytale marriage is over. There are several difficult issues of etiquette here. How quickly do you mend your broken heart and be seen in public with your new man? Well, it would appear to depend on just how fast the paparazzi can be assembled. Is it rude to give more than one "exclusive" interview? Oh my dear, do not trouble yourself, you'll find every cheque is exclusive.

And never forget, three little words are timeless. "Please" and "Thank you", on that you can rely, as time goes by.