Lazy Guide to Net Culture: logizomechanophobia

Published on Wednesday 24 March 2004 00:00

If you want to appear like you’re at the cutting edge of net culture but can’t be bothered to spend hours online, then never fear. Scotsman.com’s pathetic team of geeks, freaks and gimps will do the hard work for you. While you sip wine, read a book or engage in normal social interaction, they will burn out their retinas staring at badly designed web pages and dodge creeps in chatrooms to prepare for you: Scotsman.com’s lazy guide to net culture.

As the science fiction writer Frank Herbert once observed: "Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration."

There's a lot of fear on the internet, some of it justified. There are some very nasty people doing very nasty things in very nasty e-places.

While many mistrust how computers are used by others, there are some people who actively fear the damn things themselves. Again this is understandable, we use them every day (every minute in some cases) and yet we really don't know how they work. They do strange things when we least expect it - things which can have a serious impact on our lives.

According to Realfears.com the correct term for this fear is logizomechanophobia (ie logic machines fear), rather than the broader technophobia. Although as I browsed site after site offering me courses to cure computer phobia, I was amused to see that many used precisely the kind of strategies that most users find irritating - and some terrifying. One served an enormous pop-up that blocked the screen. Another threw a dialogue box at me as I tried to exit the site. I couldn't leave until I cancelled it - not terribly reassuring.

A more useful resource for those overwhelmed by our binary loving friends is the Tales from the Geekside section of www.geek.com. It's a collection of horror stories from experienced computer users. It's amazing how often the word "evil" appears in the titles of each one.

My favourite is "Beware The Curse Of The Evil Computer Spirits" at www.geek.com/geekside/gs110.htm. After reeling off a catalogue of mysterious errors the author writes:

Despite all the evidence they still insisted on clinging to the foolish belief that this was just a normal malfunction instead of accepting the obvious and scientific truth that this was an act of malice from the dark realms of digital evil being perpetrated against me by a band of evil computer spirits!

This might not seem the best therapy for someone reduced to a gibbering wreck by their PC but it at least shows them that they are not alone and that disasters can be met with humour as well as exorcism. Frankly, we're all a little bit scared of the grey entities. Think of the computers of popular culture: the Matrix; SkyNet from the Terminator films; and HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

However, embracing the fear can change things for the better, as exemplified by the popularity of the Mom test. This principle, used by computer and web page designers, dictates that your product must be useable by someone utterly terrified by technology, who can't even manage to make the video recorder work. This person is assumed to be represented by your mum. (Though mine can actually use a computer).

Others try to overcome their fear by declaring a jihad against technology. Anyone who feels the need for such Luddite action should visit carbon.cudenver.edu/~mryder/itc_data/luddite.html - a web address that certainly suggests an unease about the internet. (Actually, luddite.com is owned by a computer company.)

Just as fear is born out of ignorance, so one of the by-products of fear is violence. This can be a way of confronting your phobia. However, being a responsible journalist, I'm not going to advocate knocking seven shades of bits out of your expensive PC. (Or your employer's). That would be wrong.

Instead I'm going to advocate virtually knocking seven shades of bits out of your expensive PC, thanks to the incredibly popular game Metele al Ordenata (roughly translated this means "Get stuck into your computer"). This has appeared all over the web, but you will find one version at www.inicia.es/de/Turbo_J/metele.html.

Javi Hernandez Hernandez's wonderful program simulates a computer crash and then allows you to simulate punching your PC until the silicon little swine is smashed into tiny pieces.

It is truly liberating. You will feel your fears and stresses evaporate. It's a truly Zen-like experience - apart from the fists.