Emma Cowing: ‘Even if I did think owning a cat was more fulfilling than sex, I’d rather work that out for myself’

Later on I’m going for a picnic at a novelist’s house before finalising my plans to start that lavender farm.

I’m not, of course. I’d rather carry out root canal work on a hippopotamus. But the latest book that insists on telling me how to live my life thinks that I should. According to the authors of Dangerous Women, The Guide to Modern Life, carrying a bunch of flowers around makes you look “gorgeous” while “the over-application of lipstick without a liner” is “pedantic”. Who knew?

Indeed, Dangerous Women tackles a range of heroically crucial subjects, such as when to wear cami-knickers and – I am not making this up – why owning a cat is more fulfilling than sex.

My great fear, of course, is that someone is going to buy me this book, or something like it, for Christmas. There is a whole raft of similar tomes out there, with titles like How To Climb Mont Blanc In A Skirt (don’t, would be my best guess) and Entre Nous: A Woman’s Guide To Finding Her Inner French Girl (mine moved to Luxembourg and took up the bassoon).

Mostly, these books are designed to be bought by people – and by people I mean men – who don’t know what to buy the women in their life for Christmas. They trot into a gift shop, baulk at the price of the Swarovski crystal earrings Mrs A had her heart set on, and just as they’re leaving in despair, wondering whether she’d mind another one of those Babyliss home foot spa thingumies if he threw in a couple of Boots vouchers, their eye alights upon the shiny, pink-covered book section by the till. That, thinks Mr A, flicking through the glossy pages, will do nicely.

The question of course, is what Mrs A does with the gift. Does she smile sweetly, stick it at the back of the bookshelf and forget about it until the next Bonfire Night comes around? Or does she slavishly read each word, fretting over where to get the right lipliner and why she’d never even considered setting up a lavender farm before?

I have been bought these books in the past, each offering their own, contradictory nuggets of advice: “you simply must wear pink cashmere socks in bed” versus “don’t get out of bed without putting on cream shearling socks” are two teeth-itchingly irritating examples that spring to mind.

The thing is, even if I did think owning a cat was more fulfilling than sex, I’d rather work that out for myself, thanks. I don’t need a guide to life that comes in pink sparkly wrapping, and says inane things like “prepare to be spontaneous” and “keep an eye out for the man who’s like Darcy in Pride And Prejudice”. I read Pride And Prejudice when I was 12 and concluded that Darcy was a dead loss. The rest I’m willing to take a gamble on, without the constant companionship of a guide to tell me how to do it. And isn’t that the true definition of a dangerous woman?