Sandra Dick: Homecoming spirit lost on me

Published on Tuesday 30 June 2009 09:44

HOOTS, jings and help ma boab Jock. Pass me my sporran, my See You Jimmy bunnet and my Buckfast, for is it no just aboot that time we've all been waiting for?

Don't tell me you're not joining in the spirit of Homecoming Scotland, by embracing all that's kitsch and cheesy about our bonnie purple heather-clad land, throwing on your 19.99 Lidl kilt and swinging on down past the tram works, holes in the road and the boarded-up shops to see what all the fuss is about.

In case it's passed you by so far – and how could you avoid the nauseating Caledonia adverts featuring a galaxy of Scots stars like Lulu and, um, oh yes, Sandi "one hit" Thom – the countdown has started to the 5m funded Homecoming Scotland 2009.

July brings an extravaganza of tartan-trimmed events – okay, look closely and you'll find there are very few new events and an awful lot of hardy annual ones simply rebranded with glossy Homecoming banners – all aimed at drawing home Scotland's scattered sons and daughters.

While I've no problem at all with the thousands, oh heck, let's join in the crazy hype and make it several million tourists we're supposed to believe will surge into Scotland to join in this mega-knees up – come on in, bring your money and spend spend spend, I say – it's obviously my duty as a typical dour Scot to pour a little cold water on this intoxicating dram.

For a start, much as I am moved by the skirl of the pipes and the sight of a large man in a kilt tossing a caber, I'm with historian Tom Devine who recently criticised the "hoots mon" programme of tartan-trimmed events, branding it "kitsch" and built on the "Burns supper school of Scottish history", grossly out of tune with modern Scotland.

So forgive me if I don't grab my Saltire – assuming someone in a library somewhere hasn't confiscated it – and dash to the Highland Games at Holyrood Park.

But of course, Homecoming Scotland isn't supposed to be about me. Is it?

It's whole raison d'tre is to raise Scotland's international tourism profile, encouraging ex-pats to return to the country they left behind and be amazed at how fabulous it is now. (Let's hope they manage to avoid George Street at chucking-out time on a Saturday night, the traffic snarl-ups, the foul-mouthed neds, the knife-wielding junkies and high streets bursting with pound shops and charity outlets.)

To be fair, when it was conceived by the then Labour-controlled Scottish government, no-one knew that the bottom was about to fall out of the global suitcase, shattering economies and shedding jobs faster than President Obama can swat a pesky fly.

But alarm bells might be ringing loud after it emerged last week that hundreds of tickets remain unsold for the Edinburgh Military Tattoo, an event which typically if you haven't got your ticket by February you can be pretty sure you'll end up watching on television.

Our glorious leaders have ploughed 5m into the project in the hope that a global marketing drive and a string of Homecoming events can boost Scottish tourism by 40m. Yet recently it emerged that less than half of those who bother to log on to the glossy Homecoming website live outside the UK.

And only 16 per cent of its visitors hail from the country that's prime target in all of this, America.

Back in January, internet search giant Google confirmed that no-one from Australia, Canada or New Zealand had even bothered to search for Homecoming Scotland online – figures from the States were too small to register. Indeed, almost half of the Homecoming Scotland marketing funding has been splurged not abroad, but right here in Scotland.

Yet if our tourism bosses really wanted to lure more visitors to Scotland, does it make sense to push a market that already has a ready-made genetic pool of potential visitors at the expense, perhaps, of exploring more untapped, developing areas such as Eastern Europe, China and India?

And what are we really providing this year other than a highly visible walk down the Royal Mile and a Highland Games that they can't get any other year minus the 5m Homecoming gloss?

Naturally, I hope that Homecoming Scotland is a success, that tourists who otherwise would not bother to visit do come, have a wonderful time and leave promising to return with friends, families and anyone else they can round up.

As for me? Well by all means borrow my tartan bunnet – I'm off to Spain.

Fan-tastic gesture

NEVER underestimate the passion, the spirit and the sheer madness of the typical football fanatic.

Doting grandad Donald Bain, 50, has bought his six-month-old grandson Aaron a Hearts season ticket – making him the Tynecastle club's youngest season ticket holder.

Hearts-daft Donald plans to take his junior Jambo to the "smaller" games and he will be taking care to sit in the less crowded areas (particularly thoughtful should Aaron decide to show his appreciation of the match by filling his nappy).

And he's even bought him a mini Hearts strip to wear – maroon is ever so good at hiding those pesky Bovril and greasy pie stains.

It's a lovely gesture – and one which Donald hopes will inspire his grandson to follow in his footsteps as a lifelong Hearts fan.

Let's face it, with Scottish football in its current state, every club needs every single supporter it can find.