Rory Ford’s crucial tips on how to make the most of Edinburgh this August

By RORY FORD
Published on 07/08/2012 22:09

ON the first sunny day, head to the Pleasance courtyard to drink up the atmosphere – and your favourite alcoholic beverage.

Remember to drink lots of water to avoid the dreaded Edinburgh malady, “double dehydration” caused by drinking eight pints of lager on one of the few blazing hot days of the year.

There will be plenty of pretty famous faces in town and it’s always enjoyable to have fun at their expense. Many years ago I utterly befuddled Sir Ben Kingsley because I – quite genuinely – mistook him for a vague acquaintance. If you spot Nineties comic Stewart Lee you can always pretend to mistake him for Ali Campbell from UB40, lead singer of The Fine Young Cannibals Roland Gift or the dreadful TV presenter Terry Christian. He loves this.

Spend all day accepting rather than refusing flyers. See how many you can collect. Aside from the fact that you’ve momentarily brightened the day of the poor hapless souls whose job it is to distribute these wretched things you can dump your collection in a paper recycling bin in the evening thereby doing your bit for the environment.

“Morally repugnant” (Treasury Minister Danny Alexander©), pie-faced gagster Jimmy Carr is doing a couple of weekends at the EICC (for a comparatively reasonable £18.50 too – Jimmy obviously runs a tight financial ship). We don’t think it will all kick off, but these gigs are going to have an extra frisson about them. “Morally Repugnant” would be an excellent title for his next tour too, don’t you think?

Hang around the Udderbelly pasture in Bristo Square until closing; fill up on food from the burger van outside the Gilded Balloon at Teviot; tell every comedian you vaguely recognise that you really enjoyed their show – a lie of course but they desperately need approval (NB: DON’T try this with famously nice Aussie comic Adam Hills – you’ll never get rid of him).

Be weather aware and check the forecasts regularly. If it’s going to rain all day plan to spend it in one venue, such as the Assembly Rooms, which provides adequate shelter. Unfortunately, you’ll find that there are plenty of venues that don’t, and that’s because they’re not a “venue” – they’re a derelict meat locker.

Be weather aware and check the forecasts regularly. If it’s going to rain all day plan to spend it in one venue, such as the Assembly Rooms, which provides adequate shelter. Unfortunately, you’ll find that there are plenty of venues that don’t, and that’s because they’re not a “venue” – they’re a derelict meat locker.

Want to spend £31 to see bun-faced “funnyman” Michael McIntyre workshop material for his new tour at The Playhouse? Entirely your affair if you do but it’s hardly supporting new talent.  Far better to see four comics that you’ve never heard of in some dark – and worryingly moist – basement while drinking nasty flat lager out of plastic “glasses” in the wee small hours of the morning. RF

Plan plenty of downtime spent in the venues’ cafe/bars where there’s a possibility of being offered free tickets for a show that a reviewer has booked in to see but – OMG! – they haven’t sold any tickets!!! You may even see something worthwhile that you would’ve otherwise missed. Don’t bank on it though.

Accept your limitations – you’re never going to be able to see everything and rushing about trying to gorge yourself on all the meats of Edinburgh’s cultural stew will result in burn-out. Plan at least one festival-free day devoid of entertainment, culture or intellectual stimulation. Go to Glasgow.