Robert McNeil: Jolly good fun as MSPs plunge in the soundbite

Published on Thursday 14 May 2009 21:56

AS YOU would expect, the main debate at Holyrood yesterday was why the justice secretary was in the Duke of Somerset pub, Toronto, with the chief of the Clan MacTavish four months ago.

It wasn't a question of expenses. That's a Westminster thing, though it was still surprising that it didn't come up. One might have expected a dig about the First Minister's claims for curries, particularly as Eck Salmond is the only MP among the Holyrood party leaders. But, then, all the main parties have had their snouts in the trough and, if I might mex my mitaphors, a can of worms stood ready for action.

As for Kenny MacAskill and the Clan MacTavish in a Canadian pub named after an English aristocrat, what was that about? And why raise it now?

Well, all will become increasingly opaque in the course of the following narrative. Labour leader Elmer Fudd started it, noting that parliament was shortly to debate Scotia's relationship with Canada. With you so far, Mr Fudd. Carry on and, when you come to the point, sound a klaxon.

"Back on 23 January, the justice secretary did his bit, by visiting Canada. This coincided with the knife crime summit here at home. Does the First Minister think his justice secretary's time was better spent in Canada?"

Gasps rose around the chamber: this scandal was so stale it came chronologically just after Zedekiah smote Micaiah upon the cheek. But why had Elmer picked knife crime out of the blue and how would Eck respond? Well, citizens who watch television quiz shows often wonder if the panellists know the questions in advance. Some contenders seem so on-the-ball, the suspicion arises that their clever answers could only have come from fore-knowledge.

YOU'D be entitled to ask the same about Holyrood. For, after first pulling out a clutch of receipts from the Shoosh Mapal restaurant, Eck – the kurma chameleon – found what he was looking for: statistics about knife crime, countless numbers of them.

How did he have all these facts ready? Fudd didn't care. He was gunning for Kenny. "Let me read from an e-mail we've secured under freedom of information." Ah-ha, a wheeze was afoot! The e-mail, from a civil servant, concerned the "slipping" (relief from parliamentary duties) of Kenny for the trip. It read: "I am just a little concerned that, after all the hassle we've had getting him slipped, we have only a few minor things for him to do on Friday." Friday, Elmer announced triumphantly, had been the day of the knife summit here.

Mind you, he added, Kenny did find some things to do on that day. "He made an official visit to a pub, the Duke of Somerset, in Toronto, where he met Steve MacTavish, clan chief of Toronto." Then he got three hours' kip before meeting the great chieftain of the pudden race at a Burns Supper. "And," Elmer continued, "he would have needed it because the organisers, in this e-mail, warn him that on arrival he would – I quote – 'be plunged instantly into a very crowded cocktail party'."

Elmer said that, for many Scots, "plunging" evoked knives rather than cocktail parties. This was over-egging the pudding somewhat. For many Scots, plunging first brings to mind necklines, share prices or popularity in opinion polls. But, still, you got his gist.

What the hell was Kenny doing in a boozer called the Duke of Somerset? Unusually, I've done some research and discovered this pub features a massive Union Flag on the wall and has as its motto: "Jolly good fun." Kenny must have felt right at home. So much so that you wondered if this MacTavish hadn't been extracting the yellow water.

Kenny's coupon was like a carving at Mount Rushmore, as Eck waddled to his defence, pointing out that Elmer hadn't attended the summit either. Elmer retorted of Eck: "He wasn't there either!" Yes, all very edifying. Eck said parliament should be ashamed of an opposition leader misusing such a serious subject, and dished out more stats in praise of Kenny, before the Presiding Orifice called on Tory leader Annabel Goldie to speak.

THERE was a hiatus while Annabel regained consciousness and claimed: "Sorry, Presiding Orifice, I was reflecting on the First Minister's answer and failing to follow any of it." Then she began: "Presiding Orifice, knife crime in Scotland …" Aw, she was on the same subject! How come? Whence this sudden obsession with the cutlery of crime?

Well, noting Elmer's sudden interest in the issue, Annabel explained: "Interesting that his newfound conversion comes after a Scottish Conservative proposal was published yesterday and, 46 minutes later, he's on the bandwagon. Well, where we lead, Mr Fudd, by all means follow!"

Eck said they were as bad as each other, fighting about who raised the question first. "Can we just address the issue?" he pleaded.

"Take action against these thugs!" bellowed Bella. "Where are we in the SNP's soft-touch Scotland?"

"Well, well," said Eck, "you got to the soundbite at last!" And so she had. We all knew there was a point to this knife business.