Robert McNeil: Holyrood education debate offers a lesson in playground politics

Published on Thursday 30 April 2009 22:55

MARGARET Smith (Lib Dem) arrived in parliament, fresh from another stint as Policewoman Ruby Gates infiltrating St Trinian's, to lay down a motion which "notes that this SNP government is rubbish and calls on it to be less evil".

It was another debate on education, perceived by critics to be the Nats' weakest link, on account of unmet targets, fewer teachers, and dimness unconfined in this unenlightened land.

Margaret complained that, in the whole of Scotland, there'd been a reduction of 13 nursery teachers. I know that every nursery teacher is worth their weight in gold but, with statistics like that, you're reminded what a small country we are. It was like that big point Iain Gray made about bumping into a young man in Tranent unable to get an apprenticeship.

This is increasingly the tenor of Labour arguments: "I went out for a curry last night and overheard this bloke at the next table saying he'd just had a big electric bill in. What a shocking indictment of this SNP administration."

Mind you, Keith Brown (SNP) wasn't much better, adopting the tactic of the old Jack McConnell administration of accusing the opposition of bringing party politics into the issue. I think you'll find that, in a parliament, that happens quite a lot, mate.

Elizabeth Smith (Con), a waspish woman wearing a cravat, wanted children to be able to "read, write and count up". Eh? She said it again, complaining that many were unable to "read, write and count up". What's with the "up"? I hope I'm not being picky here. The revered editor of my old local paper used to rage at anyone who wrote about someone "phoning up". "The 'up' is redundant," she would roar, "and so will you be if you do it again!"

THANKFULLY, Elizabeth's next reference was to the three r's, and I was spared any more pain (not counting the rest of the debate). Speaking of which, Rhona Brankin (Lab) was dressed in what looked like a leather jacket. Nats: "What are you complaining about, Rhona?" Rhona: "Whaddya got?"

She refused an intervention on the following grounds: "You didn't take an intervention from me." At least she was recreating the authentic atmosphere of the playground.

She could not confirm that last night she had gone for a curry, but did say she'd met two Midlothian pupils who'd said their school building was in poor condition. Yes, well, there you are. What more proof do you need? Don't ask me of what.

Karen Whitefield (Lab), who sounds like she will be six on her next birthday, claimed: "The SNP made bold promises and pledges." Promises and pledges, eh? More redundant words."Pledge" is a newspaper word. You don't have to use it in reality, unless you mean the furniture polish.

Bob Doris (SNP), who speaks like a man drumming up business at a market stall, added another redundant note when he said he was "shocked and stunned" at school closures by the Labour council in Glasgow. He wouldn't take an intervention either, telling Patricia Ferguson (Lab): "I think we heard quite enough from you."

Bob went on to holler that, had the Libberie-Labberies still been in power, "we would have been looking at less teachers". Fewer teachers, Bob, fewer. "We will stand up for education!" he concluded, and sat down.

Mr Spock impersonator Ken Macintosh (Lab) said he'd met a probationary teacher this week who was so depressed he was thinking of moving to Spain. Spock did not specify if the meeting had taken place in a curry house. He said it was a pathetic defence for the Nats to say: "You (Labour] were even worse than we were." There's a confession in there, if you look hard enough.

FIONA Hyslop, the education secretary, said Scotland had been a leader in schooling since 1696. This myth is part of the problem. Scotland stopped being a leader in schooling around 1697. For a long time, it has been evident that this is an exceptionally thick country. You see the evidence on the streets, in our footballers and even, occasionally, in parliament. Apart from parts of northern England, Essex and Wales, no area of Europe produces neds and bozos like we do. But still we cling to this myth that we have a great tradition of education. Had, that should read, had. If we cannot get our education secretary to come out straight and just say that we are thick, then we will never tackle the problem.

A potentially bigger problem to tackle at this time is swine flu. Yesterday, Iain Gray, the Labour leader, manfully eschewed the opportunity to make trouble at First Minister's Questions (the very purpose of which is to make trouble), instead asking technical questions that allowed Eck Salmond to provide the nation with information.

Apart from matching Eck's innocuous statement about good work done in Scotland with an obsessive reference to the UK (will Labour never leave the constitutional issue alone?), it was Iain's finest hour as a statesman, and it didn't involve making arguments. There's a lesson – for him – in there somewhere.

We're falling behind, admits schools minister

SCOTLAND's education system is being overtaken by other nations, including England, the new schools minister, Keith Brown, admitted yesterday.

Mr Brown, who replaced Maureen Watt in the recent Cabinet reshuffle, warned Scotland could be left behind "unless we raise our game".

He spoke in defence of the SNP's record on education after opposition parties accused the Scottish Government of making only "glacial progress" on its promises.

Margaret Smith, the Liberal Democrats' education spokeswoman, claimed the government was set to fail to meet its pledge on smaller class sizes. She was also critical of a fall in teacher numbers of almost 1,000 despite the SNP's election manifesto pledge to maintain teacher numbers.

Mr Brown said council education spending had risen by more than 188 million and told MSPs average class sizes in primary one and two were at a record low. But added: "For too long in Scotland, we have rested on our laurels in relation to education."

He said international reports showed the country had "not made the progress we might expect", particularly compared with England.

"We are being overtaken and unless we raise our game, we will be left behind," he said.

But the minister said the new school curriculum and the concordat agreements with councils would help address concerns.

However, Mrs Smith said: "After two years in government, truly glacial progress has meant just 13 per cent of our P1 children are in classes of 18 or less. And with even this slow progress now stalling, it doesn't take a maths teacher to figure out the Scottish Government is on course to fail to meet its target by the end of this four-year term."

Rhona Brankin, Labour's education spokeswoman, described Mr Brown's comments as an attack on education secretary Fiona Hyslop, adding:

"It's about time someone from the SNP benches realised the mess that Fiona Hyslop is making of education in Scotland."