Robert McNeil: Plenty to forget in goldfish bowl of politics

Published on Thursday 28 May 2009 20:20

IT'S always an ominous sign when the presiding orifice or one of his deputies tells MSPs they can talk as long as they like. Even the rider that this privilege would be withdrawn if they indulged in "tedious repetition" was little solace.

When Ian McKee (SNP) tried to speak in a debate on Scottish businesses yesterday, he was repeatedly interrupted with tedious interventions. It was worse than being interviewed by Jeremy Paxman.

Jeremy Purvis (Lib Dem) was in before Ian had even cleared his throat. "I didn't think I'd said anything," Ian noted with bemusement. Jeremy said it was "a pre-emptive strike" which, considering it was about local government budgets, was a somewhat overly dramatic description.

Ian took all this on the chins and noted that all the opposition motions were starting to sound similar. "Uniformity is so dull," he sighed, and we half-expected him to take out a silk kerchief and wave it about expressively.

The Nats' answer to Oscar Wilde added that, while Westminster was past its sell-by date, Broon and Darling wouldn't let Scots determine their own future (Lib Dem mock-sympathetic cries of "Aw!").

James Kelly (Lab) congratulated the UK government, while splashing water at the Scottish one: "The SNP have not only turned the tap off, but have thrown the plumbing away altogether."

Ah, was that why he was taking the urine?

Rob Gibson (SNP) further plumbed the depths of discourse when he complained: "No-one has mentioned Homecoming." He told MSPs they shouldn't titter, as this gaudy binge was bringing money into the economy. If you say so, mate.

Frank McAveety (Lab) said the administration was forever bunging about "letters, acronyms and words", while doing sod all on the ground. Frank proclaimed an interest in engineering and told us the ground was what you put steel on. Clearly, he had come far in his studies. As his steel framework sank into the sand, Frank hollered before he went under that the Nats had indulged in "intellectual sophistry" – is there any other kind? – and spluttered finally about "an issue that is close to my heart: public procurement". Aw, isn't that lovely? He's a procurable romantic.

BOVINE farmer Alex Johnstone (Con) wanted to nail several myths, particularly that of the goldfish. Baffled, we turned towards him with O-shaped mouths. He said it was widely held that goldfish swam round and round thinking everything was new to them, remembering nothing of the time before and the time before that.

But this myth was, er, mythical, he said. "Goldfish do have good memories but, sadly, it appears that Jeremy Purvis doesn't have the same quality." Ouch.

Normally thuggish David Whitton (Lab) stood with his hands intertwined like an effete clergyman eying fancy cakes at a fte. He also kept his voice moderate in a further attempt at emulating unyobbish man, barely spitting out his silly soundbite about a "Salmond-Swinney slump". He keeps repeating this alliterative inanity in the hope that it will catch on. It won't. David warned the Nats about other small countries they aspired to emulate: "Look to Ireland and Iceland and be careful what you wish for." The aforementioned Dr McKee intervened: "I wonder if he has any figures for the number of people in Ireland who wish to rejoin the United Kingdom?"

David protested: "Mr Speaker, that was the most bizarre intervention I have ever taken." Good lord. How long have you been here, man?

Enterprise minister Jim Mather said the Nat administration had been "collaborating" with the UK government. Collaborating? Isn't that Labour's job?

The aforementioned Jeremy (Purvis not Paxman) intervened with a heavily anglicised accent: "Where's your sauce? Where's your sauce?" Maybe he was trying to ketchup with the debate. Turns out he was trying to say "source". Jeremy got so agitated that deputy presiding orifice Trish Godman had to intervene: "Mr Purvis, behave yourself!"

Mr Mather appeared unruffled, saying: "There was no danger, deputy presiding orifice. There were no paper-clip attacks." This referred to the recent assault on Ecksworth Salmond by Mike Rumbles (Lib Dem), the Ninja of office equipment.

AT FAT Minister's Queries, Labour leader Elmer Fudd appeared to have blundered into the wrong cartoon when he accused the aforementioned Ecksworth of huffing and puffing to blow the house down. This referred to the Fat Minister's recent threat to resign if everyone didn't stop picking on justice minister Kenny MacAskill. So pick on him they did. They were flogging a dead horse, as it just gave Ecksworth the chance to produce statistics showing more prisoners escaped under Labour and to castigate Elmer for saying on Radio Scotland earlier that he couldn't remember anything about this.

Fudd retorted: "I heard Good Morning Scotland. In fact, I was there, so I know what was said." He'll have forgotten it by tomorrow, though, as he swims round his bowl mouthing nothings.

Tory leader Annabel Goldie continued the cadaverous equine flagellation, claiming Kenny's tail had been between his legs. But I don't think we want to hear respectable spinsters discussing what goes on between men's legs, do you?