Robert McNeil: Down and out in Edinburgh and London, Labour looks back to future

Published on Thursday 11 June 2009 20:06

EVERYTHING in politics is getting curiouser and curiouser.

In response to a Tory motion at Holyrood yesterday calling for Westminster elections, Labour retreated to the 1980s, with rhetoric about the miners' strike, Thatcher and the poll tax. They even resuscitated and repeated by rote the old "Tartan Tories" jibe about the Nats.

They'd nowhere to go but back, and one wondered at the oft-voiced perception of former party members that those who remain are a collection of careerists, cronies and sadsacks whose social lives revolve around the party.

In Scotland, ber-unionism seems all that's left to them. Which is presumably why they complained about their fellow unionists, the Tories, raising matters that, they said, rightly belonged to Westminster. David McLetchie (Con) predicted Labour would do the same when a Tory government came to power, something Labour leader Elmer Fudd derided as pathetic posturing based on hypothesis.

David hypothesised further that Broon might swipe the title of the late John Mortimer's autobiography: Clinging to the Wreckage. Mind you, it was Mortimer's Rumpole of the Bailey who accused "Soapy Sam" Ballard, QC, of being like "a lifelong vegetarian giving us your recipe for steak and kidney pie" – an apt analogy, perhaps, for the normally Westminster-thirled Tories raising reserved issues at Holyrood.

Ian McKee (SNP) congratulated them on this "progress", while noting Labour's undoing had been a "Faustian pact" with the rich. He echoed Cromwell's words to the Hoose o' Commons: "Depart, I say, and let us have done with you!"

After the European election results, Alasdair Allan (SNP) wondered whether to take a consensual approach "or should I just unleash my inner Kenny Gibson"? Kenny is the Nat who wears all his inner organs on his sleeve. Alasdair opted to be nice, but fancied that, when many voters heard the expression "dissolution of parliament", they hoped it would be something "permanent and conceivably acidic".

DAVID Whitton (Lab) got all misty-eyed about striking miners' soup kitchens, prompting Margo MacDonald (Ind) to recall Labour's "lukewarm support" for the strikers. David said he was sorry he'd given way to Margo. Murdo Fraser (Con) quipped: "Devastating riposte there." David devastatingly riposted: "Just like yours there." Dear, oh dear.

In an unhappy contribution, Pauline McNeil (Lab) described Iceland as "a basket-case" and denied British voters wanted a general election: "That is simply not true. It is made up." I see.

Christine Grahame (SNP) claimed she didn't like kicking Labour when it was down, but – to cries of "Oh, go on!" – proceeded to boot it for bringing so many unelected lords, admirals and celebrities into government at Westminster. She suggested more: "Susan Boyle for culture. Joanna Lumley for immigration. Andy Murray for sport – but that would depend on whether he won at Wimbledon or not, for if he wins he's British and if he loses he's Scottish."

THESE lively musings were followed by the dead tones of James Kelly (Lab), speaking archaically of Tories who "keep working people in their servants' quarters".

James then spouted more allegedly socialist stuff about the minimum wage, which Labour has just increased by an eye-watering 7p an hour.

Derek Brownlee (Con) said it was rich of Labour to accuse the Tories of wasting parliamentary time when they, in government, had introduced a walking strategy. Derek wondered if, rather than discuss something trivial like a general election, they'd rather debate "what a good thing breathing is".

Then we had Helen Eadie (Lab). Oh God, somebody should put her out of our misery. Hysterical, intemperate, unmeasured, she worked herself into her usual ludicrous lather, almost tearfully telling us she'd known Broon personally for 26 years and was proud of him. In Cowdenbeath, she averred uninterestingly, "one after one came out of the polling stations and said: 'Gordon Brown is a class act'."

In a surprise development (to her), this was greeted with loud laughter.

The aforementioned Margo said: "You can't change your hypothesis to suit your corollaries." Yes, that's what I'd heard. She meant (I think) that it was wrong of Labour to say an independent Scotland would have gone bankrupt, when an oil fund like Norway's would have helped us weather the recession.

IN THE one ray of wit from the Labour benches, Michael McMahon said of Eck Salmond: "I accept that he can't vote in two places at the same time, even if his expenses claims show he has the capacity to eat in two places at the same time." Good stuff, followed by a dire dessert of "Tartan Tories" and so forth.

Constitution minister Michael Russell said the Labour government brought to mind Disraeli on Gladstone's administration: "You behold a range of exhausted volcanoes. Not a flame flickers on a single pallid crest." Murdo Fraser (Con) followed up with a sarcastic quote from Brecht: "The people have lost the confidence of the government." He said it was almost sad to watch the slow death of Scottish Labour.

I don't know if it is dying but, yesterday, it presented itself as a pitiable dragon, its breath rank, its wounds suppurating, its roar a croak.