Revealed: the lost art of seduction

Published on Monday 12 February 2007 00:07

FIRST you have to select the perfect victim - someone who seems dissatisfied with their life may work best. Then you need to lay on the charm, not forgetting to throw in some mixed signals (interested in your intended one minute, seemingly bored and distracted the next) so that they begin to crave your attention. Throw in some carefully set-up "chance" meetings and a love triangle for good measure, and the object of your desire will be giving you the "come hither" look in no time at all.

That's right, gone are the days when a bunch of flowers and a twinkle in the eye were the ultimate weapons in a serial seducer's arsenal. Today, thanks to a number of advances in the field of the "psychology of seduction", wannabe lotharios have an increasingly complex set of seduction techniques at their disposal.

However, according to Dr Raj Persaud, consultant psychologist at London's Maudley Hospital and the author of the new seduction manual, Simply Irresistible, the problem with the existing literature written on the subject far is that it's missing the point. By simply focusing on how to get the object of your affection into bed, instead of getting them to fall in love with you, this genre is not only killing what little romance is left in the world but is also creating a generation of sexual pariahs, not Casanovas.

Helping men to AIM: Attract, Interest and then Maintain a relationship, Persaud's book uses the latest psychological findings to tackle everything from how to flirt effectively to what to do to make a first date go a suitor's way, as well as how to gain a woman's trust and, ultimately, her heart. If only the other books jostling for space in the self-help section of the book shop did the same.

His criticism is levelled largely at the type of books which give men tips on how to chat-up and sleep with one woman before going onto the next. And there are plenty of them. American writer Ross Jeffries was one of the first to cause a stir in 1992 with his book How To Get the Women You Desire Into Bed and his theory of "speed seduction" which draws from Neuro Linguistic Programming and other hypnotic techniques to help men get women.

Neil Strauss's well-known book, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, was one of many which followed in the same ilk. In it he tells AFCs (average frustrated chimps) how to create a sense of security in order to disarm the victim, or HB (hot babes), and then isolate them from their group of friends so they will always be able to FMAC (find, meet and close).

But, says Persaud, they have it all wrong. "A lot of men just want to know how to feed women a line and get them to fall into bed. However, the women who will fall for that tend to have low self-esteem and are vulnerable. Most women would see through their technique, so the claim of these men to be able to bed any women they want isn't true. What they can do is get a certain kind of women into bed."

What we should be trying to rediscover, he adds, is the secret that history's greatest seducers have known all along: "Seduction is not about sex," he says. "The greatest lovers in the world know that it's about winning over a woman. Superior seducers know it's about quality not quantity and, as a result, the world's greatest lovers aren't necessarily the men with the largest amounts of notches on their bedpost."

So, before the male population can start brushing up on their seduction skills, he argues that they need to understand that modern-day Casanovas, like the great man himself, all have one thing in common: they love women. They love their beauty, their guile and intellect as well as their company. In fact, they positively revel in spending time with the opposite sex, and are genuinely interested in what makes them tick. Yes, that means they get to sleep with lots of women. However, it's the fact that they really love women, as opposed to merely seeing them as a means to an end, which sets them apart. Persaud says you only have to look at literature and film to see examples of how real seduction - selecting a woman you desire and then making her fall in love with you (not picking up anyone up in a bar) - is done. "If you look at films such as Dangerous Liaisons or any of Jane Austen's novels and you will find that real seduction, done with panache, takes time," he says. "Of course, passion is always heightened when there are taboos and one of the things that used to help seducers in the past was that sex on the first date - or even before marriage in Jane Austen's time - was banned. The thought of breaking taboos makes the seduction that more intense. In fact, the availability of sex today is actually very unhelpful as it has taken much of the magic out of seduction."

Although his terminology is less romantic than Persaud's, Robert Greene, the author of the best-selling Art of Seduction, does at least seem to have grasped the subtle, softly-softly approach of the classic seducer. "The seduction should begin at an angle, indirectly, so that the target only gradually becomes aware of you," he says on his website for would-be seducers, www.seducersworld.com "Haunt the periphery of your target's life - approach through a third party, or seem to cultivate a relatively neutral relationship, moving gradually from friend to lover."

Becoming a master seducer takes dedication. "Real seduction takes time and effort," says Persaud. "Women need to believe men are genuinely interested in them and they are taken seriously. This is something that few men understand but most seducers grasp without being told."

The former prime minister and notorious seducer, Benjamin Disraeli, is one such example. What he lacked in looks he made up with a flamboyant dress sense but, more importantly, he showed the kind of interest in females that could not be feigned. As one woman who had dinner with both Disraeli and fellow political heavyweight William Gladstone once commented: "When I left the dining room after sitting next to Mr Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But, after sitting next to Mr Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest women in England."

Another thing which natural-born seducers don't have to be taught is how to give off an air of confidence and self-belief. Casanova himself said in his memoirs: "I love myself more than I love anyone else," and it is this feeling of self-worth that, when it comes to seduction, is more important than either looks or money.

"The greatest seducers in history have all had confidence," says Ed West, author of the dating handbook, How to Pull Women: The Science of Seduction. "Charm and wit, determination and power are also important, but it's confidence above all. Looks aren't actually important. An ugly man can easily even the playing field if he dresses well or just not badly, has good hygiene and stays relatively in shape or is just not obese. And I've even known men who were not just ugly but poor and boring with amazing success with women because they had such inexplicably high self-esteem."

History is peppered with the names of average looking men whose powers of seduction were legendary. Take the English writer Cyril Connolly, a man who became better known for his luck with the ladies (marrying three times and carrying on numerous affairs) than his literary achievements, was regarded by many to be downright ugly. Jean-Paul Sartre was a rather geeky looking guy with thick round glasses. Yet, known to prefer the female company, the French novelist had a girlfriend as well as a string of lovers during his lifetime.

So, forget witty one-liners, fake flattery, psychological manipulation, body language techniques and spending hours in the gym. The bottom line seems to be that confident men who like women are liked by women. It's as simple as that.

If, however, you're having trouble understanding that, then now's the time to start reading; just be careful which book you pick up.

• Simply Irresistible: The Psychology of Seduction by Dr Raj Persaud is out now (12.99, Bantam Press).

Marilyn Monroe (1926-1962)

PORTRAYED as the ultimate 1950s sex goddess, both on and off screen, Monroe was known to have had a colourful love life. She married three times, and was thought to have enjoyed a number of affairs, including with both Bobby and John Kennedy as well as Frank Sinatra.

Giacomo Casanova (1725-1798)

THE world's most legendary seducer. Much of Casanova's life is based on myth rather than fact. However, Casanova was very much a real-life person who scandalised Venetian and European society with his womanising ways. He was, in fact, bisexual and wrote that during his lifetime he slept with 122 women and four men.

Lord Byron (1788-1824)

RATHER like his character, Don Juan, the subject of his most famous poem, Byron was renowned for his love of women. During his extravagant life he had multiple affairs - once bragging he'd slept with 250 women in Venice in a year. He was also thought to have an incestuous relationship with his half-sister, Augusta Leigh.

Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)

DESPITE being highly unattractive, this French existentialist novelist, philosopher and playwright was known to be highly charismatic and was a notorious womaniser. He enjoyed a series of flings in his life, often facilitated by his long-term partner philosopher, Simone de Beauvoir, with whom he had a lifelong open relationship.

Cleopatra VII (69BC - 30BC)

THE first world-famous seductress, she was known for her ability in politics, and strengthened that by being not only married to Egypt's most powerful men (two of her brothers) but also took as lovers two of Rome's most powerful men - namely Gaius Julius Caesar and Mark Antony.

Rod Stewart (1945-)

ALTHOUGH somewhat lacking in the height department, the not-so-drop-dead-gorgeous Scot who, by his own admission is "crazy for hot women", has, thanks to his charm and his ability to befriend women, managed to bed a number of tall leggy blondes - fathering seven children with five different women.