Parenting: Ask the expert - Do we have enough fun?

Published on Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:56

I took my four-year-old daughter to a birthday party a couple of weeks ago and I got into a conversation with some other mums that's really got me thinking.

We were talking about how often we play with our children and I felt that I seem to play with my daughter less than some of the other mothers do. It's not that I never play with her, but I work full-time and I have an eight-year-old son too so there's not a lot of time in the week. Often she plays by herself or with her brother. Am I getting this wrong?

TL, Edinburgh

butler

It's so natural to compare yourself to others and "quality time" is a common trigger to make parents feel guilty. Although it's natural, it isn't helpful for you to worry over this and it won't do your confidence any good.

Being a working mum is tough and you need to give yourself a break here. Playtime with your child has got to be about balance. Too much attention and one-on-one playtime is not beneficial for children's independence, yet too little leaves them craving attention. Kids whose parents are too readily available every time they want a playmate tend to be just as needy as children who get little or no playtime. It sounds as if you have the balance just right, as your daughter is willing to play on her own or with her brother and with four years between them that's no mean feat.

Guilt is so damaging to our parenting and I always try to eliminate it by reminding parents that they don't need to be perfect. However, staying on the ball and making sure everything is running smoothly with your family, and making changes if you need to, is still an important part of parenting. You obviously care a great deal and want to do your best for your daughter. So ask yourself, is she lacking? Does she seem like she's craving a little more one-on-one time? Is attention-seeking behaviour starting to be an issue? If you feel it is, then put aside some time for her and her alone, even just one or two hours a week. Put it in your diary or calendar, or better still, set a reminder on your mobile so you don't forget.

Decide what you'd like to do together; it might be something small like a jigsaw or reading to her or some sort of arts and crafts activity. Alternatively, it might be something more adventurous like going ice-skating or to a pottery-painting studio. Make sure to make it something you are actually involved with rather than a visit to a softplay centre or something she basically does on her own. If you feel you won't have time for a whole hour or two in one go, dedicate ten minutes each day to sit down and join in with her playtime but remember she's the boss here so make sure you don't criticise her choices. Above all, have fun!

n Trudi Butler is director of The Parent Guru – a parent coaching service providing one-on-one personalised parenting solutions for sleep, eating, potty training, weaning, bottle refusal and behaviour issues. Tel: [phone] or visit www. theparentguru.comDo you have a question for our parenting experts?

If so, e-mail [e-mail]

We will endeavour to deal with all enquiries as quickly as possible, but regret that we cannot enter into personal correspondence.