Pam's ten tips to beat credit crunch

Published on Friday 1 August 2008 09:19

DOORS to manual and cross check. In Terror at 41,000ft, international celebrity air-hostess to the stars Pam Ann – real name Caroline Reid – is set to tackle terror, including a demonstration of how to disarm a terrorist Pam Ann-style.

Depending on your point of view, the golden age of air travel was either the 1950s and 60s, when flying was still a novel experience for many and the air hostesses served chilled champagne to stars like Elizabeth Taylor, or the late 90s and early noughties when Easyjet and Ryanair made flying the low-cost way to see the world.

Then the credit crunch hit and suddenly fares and taxes were on the rise again and talk turned to that of airlines going to the wall.

Unless, that is, you happen to be booked in with Pam Ann Airlines, the world's most experienced airline, where staff have implemented the following ten new procedures to beat the economic downturn and maintain their record of never making the same mistake more than three times . . . maybe four.

1. Strap seagulls to the front of plane.

2. In the middle of the night siphon petrol from BA's 747-400s in the middle of the night. (That's why BA came short of the runway - some cheap budget airline stole their fuel).

3. Weigh people on check-in. They do in LAX already – if you are not a size zero you can't fit through security scanners you have to take your fat arse back to UK and lose weight. With fuel prices rising no fatties will be able to travel.

4. Hire Naomi Campbell as Head of Communications.

5. Zero baggage allowed. Well, it worked for T5. They've saved a fortune on fuel as the planes didn't weigh so much.

6. Take the wings off and throw the plane like a javelin.

7. Due to soaring fuel prices, sack all the British cabin crew and relocate to Japan. They are much lighter there.

8. Cut down staff. Have one person to check in, fly the plane, serve the in-flight meals and do passport control. Come to think of it, doesn't PalmAir already do this?

9. Roll jump passengers out of the plane on landing to cut down the time on the ground. Actually come to think of it, don't bother landing at all – just open the back emergency doors and push them out.

10. Take out all the seats in economy replace with them with static exercise bikes which will peddle the plane and generate power for screening the movies and air conditioning in First Class.

&#149 Pam Ann: Terror at 41,000ft, Assembly Rooms Music Hall, George Street, until August 24 (not 11 & 18), 9pm, 10-17, 0131-623 3030