John Gibson: Pushing all the wrong buttons?

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‘What are you waiting for?’, I ask myself. High time I got into this research lark. How does one wangle the job? What does it pay?

Befuddled, yes, after discovering from ten-a-penny frog-eating researchers at a university in Britanny that blokes carrying a guitar, even just as a prop, are a third more likely to land a lady. They rate men with a musical instrument, with a musical bent, as they say, as being intelligent and wealthy.

I’d pass on both counts, you’ve guessed. Where I went badly off key was the accordion I had strapped to my back. Mind you, it worked for Jimmy Shand and an Alexander brother.

Burt’s bach

I AM reminded, politely but firmly, by former Hearts chairman and Lothian Buses boss Pilmar Smith that Burt Bacharach, above, celebrated his 85th birthday yesterday, when, ruthlessly, I’d written him off.

Burt’s songwriting partner Hal David is now penning songs in the sky but Burt is very much alive and well and, indeed, will appear at the Usher Hall on June 29.

Pilmar, who is an avid fan, has tickets for the show. Hope you enjoy the evening. And don’t miss the last bus.

Higher power

Rub your hands and pray. Here are jobs for the boys. The Church of Scotland are desperately short of ministers, faced with a conflagration among their congregations. Audiences are dwindling all the time.

They’ve got 225 vacancies and only 13 per cent (113) of ministers were born after 1967 and the average of those training for any form of ministry is 46.

If you fancy the job but don’t have the qualifications, consult that Rev I.M. Jolly annual, available at bookshops.