John Gibson: Don’t dunk and that’s an order

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Are you a dunker? Dip your biscuits in your tea? Sprinkle Parmesan on your pasta? Well, make the most of it because the EU, taking authority to the limit, has other high-falutin’ ideas.

Cracking the whip, from January 1 the Euro little Hitlers will ban bread dipped in olive oil in restaurants, oil to be dispensed in pre-packed tamper-proof bottles.

This is by order and I understand these abominable individuals, the muscles in Brussels, have plans for ketchup and HP. Flout their rules and you’ll be knee-capped.

Eck of a sum

The patter in political circles is that key documents relating to Alex Salmond’s jaunt to the Ryder Cup last year in Chicago, costing a bomb, have been destroyed by Scottish Government officials.

Can we believe that? Sure we can. What’s a half a million quid in taxpayers’ money, after all? Laps up the good life, does Alex.

Believe in her

This is Bonnie Tyler, the UK’s rep in the Eurovision Song Contest, talking before the event: “I’m practising a lot by singing round the house but I won’t beat myself up if I don’t win. The pinnacle of my career was being nominated for a Grammy and being the first girl to go into the British album charts at No1.” Have no fear, Bonnie, you were never going to be as much of an embarrassment as the Hump last year. But you went close.

Afterwords . . .

. . . Why don’t cars carry spare tyres any more? Silly question. Because women are carrying them. We’ll get round to the beer bellies another day.