Bill Jamieson: Post-indyref postcard

Post-indyref postcards from Spain. Picture: Chris Radburn/PA Wire
Post-indyref postcards from Spain. Picture: Chris Radburn/PA Wire
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From tavish@giveitarest.com

Hi Jocky,

Couldn’t stand the indyref rammy any more. Ryanair flights from Glasgow packed all week.

Everyone wants out. Looking forward to total break. Will e-mail once settled in the Hotel Buenos Noches and the Don Carlos lounge bar! Cheers, Tavish.

From tavish@giveitarest.com

Hi Jocky,

Sorry for the delay. Took us two days in the queue for the broadband connection, then had to stump up with the euros. Talk about 
disorderly queue! All this in sweltering heat. Now the bad news: the Don Carlos bar is shut pending extensive renovation after independence night rammy. Expats gathered here for the result then fights broke out. Many Scots cheesed off they didn’t have a vote. Said they were Sudetenland Scots and please could Alex Salmond’s army march in led by the Glasgow Police Pipe Band. Didn’t go down too well with the older residents. Goodnight and goodbye to the Don Carlos fake Spanish gothic furniture. Hope things are calming down your end. Tavish.

From jocky@wearethe45.com

We’re re-mustering and gaining strength! Weather here fantastic. No need for you to go to the Costa del Sol. The big talking point here after more powers is the Angela Constance shoes (pic attached). Did you ever see the like? They’re high fashion and pricey, apparently, so could you send us a knock-off pair? Size six. Yours for freedom, Jocky.

From tavish@giveitarest.com

Jeez-o! And size six? Since when did you shrink?

From jocky@wearethe45.com

They’re not for me, you bampot. They’re for Maureen. And everything’s cheaper in Spain so there shouldn’t be a problem. Yours, Jocky.

From tavish@giveitarest.com

If you think I’m traipsing round Malaga looking for a pair of Magic Roundabout shoes, think again. We’re looking for a wee villa so we can come out here to retire. Prices are dead cheap, you’d think we’re in Ardrossan. The last thing I heard when we got on the plane were Labour’s plans for a Mansion Tax. We’ll see that soon enough at Holyrood. And it won’t just be houses over £2 million! Hasta la villa! Tavish.

From jocky@wearethe45.com

Fearty! And anyway, house prices here are back on the rise. Savills has sent out a glossy brochure saying they expect Scottish prime and mainstream residential values to grow by 23 per cent and 19 per cent respectively by 2018. Hang on in and give the Costa del Sol a miss! Jocky.

From tavish@giveitarest.com

If you’re getting stuff from Savills, you’re definitely on the hit list. “Them that’s got the broadest shoulders should bear the bigger burden etc”. Could be you, Jocky! You just don’t get it, do you? Very few people live in millionaire properties in Scotland. Sales of houses above £1m there last year were less than 140. Edinburgh had 53, Aberdeen 20 and Glasgow just two. So if it’s “mair powers” over a Mansion Tax, the threshold will have to be much lower. Your council tax will be going up and just wait till they start using those income tax powers. You should book yourself a seat on Capital Flight Airways, Jocky, and get yourself over here for a nice wee villa. And you don’t need to worry about interest rates here. They keep going down. Yours are about to go up. Cheers, Tavish.

From jocky@wearethe45.com

Don’t come on to me with that El Paradiso stuff, Tavish. You’ve only been out five days and you’ve been too long in the sun already. I’ll tell you why euro interest rates are low – the economy’s a basket case. Spain’s in deep trouble. Its unemployment rate is 24 per cent, pay growth is zilch, and the government’s debt is 99 per cent of GDP. And the economy’s growing at 1.3 per cent – less than half the rate in Scotland. You’re sealed off from reality in the Buenos Noches. No way I’ll be coming out. Jocky.

From tavish@giveitarest.com

What a change it is to hear you counting your blessings, Jocky. You should do it more often. The problem that hit Spain was joining the euro and sharing its currency with Germany. Wasn’t currency sharing with a foreign power one of your bright ideas? The whole of the Eurozone is in trouble. Its growth rate will be just 0.8 per cent this year. Germany accounts for most of this. But even there things aren’t good. Forecasters have already cut their growth predictions from 2 per cent in August down to 1.5 per cent. Now consumer confidence is falling. At least here there’s sunshine. Tavish.

From jocky@wearethe45.com

I don’t need to be told to count my blessings, thank you. We’re going to get more powers. Home rule and federalism: what’s not to like?

From tavish@giveitarest.com

Your problem Jocky is that you only have blessings up to a point. Whatever way the UK votes next year, you’ll still have the stonking great budget deficit that Ed Miliband forgot to mention, overall government debt will be well north of £1.4 trillion and £53 billion a year is flying out the Treasury in debt interest payments. Mansion Tax will be the least of it. As for federalism, there’s been a few discussions about that out here with the English under the temporary tarpaulin roof of the smashed-up Don Carlos bar. And there’s one big problem, Jocky. One enormous problem. No-one can agree on what federalism is, even if they wanted it. And please don’t mention Catalonia. It just sets them all off again down here. So there’s even more fighting and no bar stools returning for the foreseeable future. Cheers, Tavish.

From jocky@wearethe45.com

Your postcard just arrived. When are you flying back?

From tavish@giveitarest.com

Tomorrow. I know it’s an energised Scotland I’ll be coming back to and that things will never be the same again. But could you pop round and put the heating on? Thanks, Tavish.

From jocky@wearethe45.com

OK, but remember the knock-off Angela Constance shoes. Things will certainly not be the same round here if you forget. Cheers, Jocky. «