Oops, she did it again... and again as Britney bares all in name of PR

Published on Saturday 2 December 2006 01:16

SOME weeks cry out for catchphrases, and this has been one of them. Allow me to nominate: "Keep those knees together!" as our motto of the moment. From what I can tell, it'll be a darn sight more useful, practically speaking, than another journalistic exhortation: "Remember, you're a mother!"

Yes, I can only be talking about - after all, who isn't - the suddenly ubiquitous sight of Britney Spears's lady bits. They've been on near constant parade lately, contributing to the economic enrichment of a tribe of paparazzo that devotes itself to perching on nightclub kerbs waiting for famous girls to climb into automobiles while enveloped in alcohol and very little else.

Actually Britney's nether regions are now quite a cottage industry. There are ranges of silk-screened knickers and tee shirts on sale, bearing phrases such as: "Britney put on your big girl panties" and "Cover that cooch!"

It's no use blaming the snappers. There's obviously a lively market clamouring to see the pictures, or they wouldn't appear absolutely everywhere. Funnily enough, Spears hasn't uttered a word of complaint about being caught flashing her privates to the camera. Which got me thinking.

She broke news of her impending divorce from Kevin Federline (who a sublime pundit instantly and ingeniously renamed 'Fed-Ex'), by devoting one day to carefully orchestrated publicity moments.

She "surprised" talk show host David Letterman with a display of well-merchandised breasts and gams, enjoyed some very public retail therapy, and went ice skating at Rockefeller Centre with her once and future manager. Throughout, she radiated health and happiness, which was surely a relief to her fans, especially since she has looked so frumpy, frazzled and addled since hooking up with Fed-Ex, whose primary talents lie in the field of pollination.

According to reports, Spears possesses an ironclad prenup that ensures Fed-Ex leaves the marriage with little in the way of tangible assets - little by celebrity standards, that is.

So she may not be famous for her intelligence, but she's not as dumb as she looks. Again, fans exhaled in relief... until Fed-Ex petitioned for full custody of their sons, Preston and Jayden. Not, we were assured by the gossip blogs, out of a surfeit of paternal love, but in an effort to score more cash. It's predicted that he'll endeavour to make Spears's life such a legal battlefield that she offers him a big payoff to go away for good.

While we digested this new morsel, rumours surfaced that the once happy couple had made a sex tape. It was said to be quite an epic, encompassing several hours of how's your father interspersed with games of chess. Would Fed-Ex release the tape to tarnish Britney's reputation and glean a small fortune from the pervier element of her fan base? Would she release the tape for free to thwart him? Did anyone, upon hearing the word 'chess', believe there really was a tape? If you're shaking your head, then you won't be amazed to hear that the pair jointly denied its existence.

When not scrawling childish graffiti about his missus on bathroom stalls, or cursing her from the stage (not that there were more than a handful in the audience to hear, ticket sales being a bugbear of his), Fed-Ex let it be known that Britney isn't the angel we think she is. She harbours dark secrets, and he knows how to lay his hands on her unwashed linen by way of proof.

Britney promptly discarded her linen.

It's a breathtaking act of guerrilla warfare that brings new meaning to the phrase "going commando". It's also proof, as if any were needed, that PR can be an art form. The loud, clear message to Fed-Ex says: "Anything you can do, I can do better. You can't tarnish my reputation because I've been systematically dismantling it for years. Good grief, why do you think I married you in the first place?! So take your pre-arranged paltry payoff and slink off back to obscurity where you belong."

Thus on this, Britney's 25th birthday, let's spend a moment in quiet contemplation and appreciation. Her music is banal, her dancing derivative and her costumes hysterically funny. She is badly educated, writes the most execrable poetry, and will probably wind up in family court before too long if she doesn't sharpen her parenting skills (or at the very least, tighten her grip). But by the peculiar laws of Britney's world, the world of celebrity, she's mastered the one thing that really counts: the art of the spin.