A round-up of the stranger stories hitting the news this week
• A man in New York has been convicted of 11 counts of fraud after he dressed up as his dead mother for six years to continue claiming her social security benefits.
Using a method eerily similar to Psycho’s Norman Bates, Thomas Parkin is thought to have claimed around £27,000 by donning lipstick, fake nails, and even an oxygen tank to convince the authorities that his mum was still alive and eligible for benefits.
Parking faces up to 83 years in jail, where prisoners will probably treat him like a real lady.
• A Man from Indiana, USA, was arrested after drunkenly strapping four kids to the bonnet of his car then driving around town.
Aaron Stefanski was stopped by officers after having driven about four blocks with the kids, aged 4,5,6, and 7 strapped to the front of the vehicle.
The kids were thankfully unhurt, but Stefanski and his female passenger (who was sat inside the car) were apprehended by police.
• Childhood birthdays. A thing of joy and wonder for kids everywhere. A time of innocence, of fun and celebration for your little ones, to let them bask in splendour as you lavish attention upon them.
Makes you sick, doesn’t it. That’s why you should hire a creepy evil clown to spend the week instilling fear and dread into the selfish little blighters as he bombards them with a series of unsettling threats.
What better way to take screaming brats down a peg or two than to hire a full grown man in make-up to spy on them and undermine them with sinister messages?
Dominic Deville is available for kids’ birthday parties in Switzerland, taking the entire week to sneak around, intimidate children and let them know that they’re being watched - and that at some point in the next seven days, he WILL “smash” them in the face with a pie.
I’m hoping it’s a cream pie. I’d hate to see some kid get rushed to A&E with third-degree facial burns from a hot bridie.
• You see some strange things on the football pitch - and we’re not just talking about footballers’ haircuts here.
Recently Liverpool was taken by storm when a cat ran onto the pitch, but cocky Blackburn fans went one better after a chicken disrupted this week’s match with Wigan.
The chicken, dressed in a Blackburn flag, was released onto the pitch in protest at poultry processor and Blackburn owner Venky’s.
Now the stakes have been upped, how long before we see a full herd of livestock on the pitch?
• One problem you’re unlikely to have this summer is being too hot. With the traditional Scottish summer downpours already in full swing, you probably won’t moan about needing to cool down.
Which means you probably won’t need the new iced bra unveiled by the Japanese this week.
Triumph Japan say the bra cups contain a gel that stays pliable even when frozen, keeping the wearer cool and refreshed.
That’s all well and good, but when will the Y-fronts become available?
• Did we miss something? Have you spotted a weird news item you’d like to see covered? Get in touch by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org