Some of the stranger stories from the news this week
• So picture the scene; you’re representing your country at the shooting championships, you’ve trained tirelessly and dedicated years of your life in pursuit of being the best. And now the trophy is yours. And as you stand atop the podium, hand on heart, ready to bask in the glory of your national anthem, the world instead hears a song bragging about how your country has the second cleanest prostitutes in the region.
Kazakhstan’s gold medallist Maria Dmitrienko was this week forced to endure the very public insult of having the fake national anthem from the Borat film played instead of the real one.
For those who haven’t seen the film, the controversial tune, accidentally downloaded by one of the competition’s Kuwaiti hosts, also features the lyrics:
“Kazakhstan home of Tinshein swimming pool.
It’s length thirty metre and width six metre.
Filtration system a marvel to behold.
It remove 80 percent of human solid waste”
That was one of the more tasteful verses.
• Office chairs are often covered in stains. Look down right now and I’ll bet you’ve no idea what you’re sitting on.
Well, try not to think about it too much, as you may not like the answer. A 59-year-old IT worker from Iowa has been sacked after he was filmed urinating on the seats of those workers he found most attractive.
The investigation came after several female employees complained of suspicious stains on their chairs, and several security cameras were set up to find out what was going on.
Police are now considering charges, but the chairs has $4,500 worth of damage to them. That’s a lot of urine.
I’d really hate to see his wife’s face come Valentine’s Day: “Yes dear, I got you a bottle of perfume. Go on, dab it behind your ears . . .”
• We’ve all known for a while the most politicians aren’t even human.
Councillors, MPs, MSPs, MEPs - few even live on the same planet as the rest of us. But Councillor Simon Parkes of Whitby has gone one better by telling the world that his mother was a nine-foot green alien.
Cllr Parkes claims not only to have been in touch with extraterrestrials but even going so far as to say that his own mother came from another world.
As you can imagine, few people have taken the elected official’s claims seriously. But Cllr Parkes is still clear about where his priorities lie. He was reported as saying: “I get more common sense out of the aliens than out of Scarborough Town Hall. The aliens are far more aware of stuff. People in the Town Hall seem not to be aware of the needs of Whitby.”
So, it turns out that aliens make more sense than politicians. Who would have guessed it?
• From the company who brought you bacon-flavoured sexual lubricant, bacon mayonnaise, and bacon lip-balm, comes a new and horrifying way to insult dead loved-ones - get them a Bacon Coffin.
What better way to give that unpopular dead relative a final insult than burying them in a giant casket painted like a strip of bacon, with an airfreshner inside that smells like, you’ve guessed it, bacon.
The American company in question are marketing it thus: “J&D’s Bacon Coffin is For those who love bacon to death”. Well, if you want to pay £1,871 for the privilege, it’s your funeral.
Dead meat or not, it’s understandable that some people may want to be buried in their favourite food. For me there’s only one barbecue delicacy that I’d want to celebrate in death. I’d prefer to be dressed as a beercan and shoved in a coffin resembling a roast chicken. In fact I may not even wait for death. Lets hope the warm weather keeps up this weekend.
• Rustling! It’s not just for cowboy film baddies anymore. Someone stole £3000 worth of sheep from a farm in East Lothian late last week.
Keep in mind that this is Scotland. there’s only two reasons why someone would steal sheep. They’re either hungry, or . . . . . . worse.
It could only be a matter of time before we see cattle stempeding and stagecoach robberies.