Mummy's Boys

Published on Saturday 18 April 2009 20:03

EVER since he left home to go to university at the age of 18, Philip Cathcart had enjoyed the independent lifestyle of a young man in the city. As a student in Aberdeen, and later, as a bar worker in Glasgow's All Bar One, he was free to come and go as he pleased.

Latterly, living in a friend's flat in the city's south side, he frequently worked night shifts and enjoyed regular nights out with friends. Yet when Cathcart realised his dream of becoming a paramedic would falter unless he could come up with 2,000 for advanced driving lessons, he took the only route available to him: he moved back home to his mum and dad's house.

Six months on, Cathcart, who turned 25 last week, believes he made the right decision. He may occasionally miss the privacy his old life afforded him. But by and large he and his parents, John and Isla, respect each other's space – and he does enjoy the home cooking. "The only downside is, I suppose, having them knowing my business, having to explain where I'm going and when I'll be back," says Cathcart, who pays between 150 and 200 a month in digs money and insists he tries to pull his weight when it comes to chores like washing up.

"I don't tend to bring friends or girlfriends home, I'm more likely to go back to theirs. Also my mum's a teacher, so I couldn't be crashing in at 3am on weekdays because she's got to be ready to go out in the morning. But there aren't really many problems: when I want to listen to my music, I have headphones and can just put them on and zone out. And I know it is a short-term measure to help me to achieve what I want."

Cathcart's move may seem drastic, but he is far from unusual. According to the latest "state of the nation" report from the Office of National Statistics last week, an increasing number of grown-up children are living at home with their parents well into their late 20s and 30s, with men particularly reluctant to fly the nest.

Indeed the figures suggest almost a third of men (and a fifth of women) aged 20-34 in the UK are back in their family homes. The so-called KIPPERS (Kids in Parents' Pockets Eroding Retirement Savings) are trapped by financial uncertainty and the cost of housing.

Not so long ago, grown men who lived at home after they reached maturity were the butt of jokes. Like Ronnie Corbett's character Timothy in the sitcom Sorry!, a 41-year-old librarian whose every expostulation is greeted by his father shouting "language, Timothy", they were perceived as ineffectual and tied to their mother's apron strings.

Either that, or they were cast as pariahs (like the grown-up children in the sitcom My Family): enjoying all the comforts of home at their parents' expense, while spending their own money on having a good time. With so many grown men (and women) now following in Timothy's footsteps, however, the stigma is fading.

But is this social phenomenon – which has already been noted in several other countries – really an inevitable consequence of the current economic climate, or, as some suggest, the result of baby-boomer parents not taking a firm enough stand? And what are the likely long-term implications of a generation of young people who hover so long on the brink of independence?

For Italians, the concept of the man-child who won't leave 'Hotel Mamma' is an all-too familiar one. The country has the highest percentage of intergenerational cohabitation in Europe, with a study in 2007 showing that 82% of men aged between 18 and 30 still live with their parents. Tales of filial pampering abound. The co-founder of the Journal of Modern Italian Studies David Kertzer has told of a friend whose new husband had asked her to cut his toenails. When she hesitated, he explained his mother had done it until he got married. At the age of 32.

Although there are social factors at play – the country's religious heritage means cohabitation is still frowned on, while the cost of housing is high – many commentators believe it is fuelled by willing mothers who indulge their sons' every whim.

Japan too is struggling with the large number of young adults who have no desire to strike out on their own, although there it's a predominantly female phenomenon (80% of women in their early 30s and 60% of men).

The Asian country has an altogether less flattering term for its KIPPERS: 'parasite singles', young women, who despite holding down reasonably paid jobs, live off their parents while spending their money on expensive consumer goods such as Cartier watches, Bulgari rings and Chanel handbags.

Again the cost of housing in the cities is prohibitive, with large deposits demanded upfront, and many women are put off long-term relationships by the anti-social hours men work. But some parents are now so anxious to offload their adult children, they have turned to matchmaking clubs to try to marry them off.

Social researcher Patricia Morgan, who has carried out research on both Italy and Japan for the think tank Civitas, says the trend has its roots in a combination of factors, including the economic climate, the length of time children spend in education, the cost of housing and the increasingly "transitory" nature of relationships.

She says it has resulted in extremely low birth rates – well below replacement levels – in both countries – and impacted on the economy, because it means young people are less willing or able to move to find work.

In the UK and the US, the KIPPER phenomenon is growing so fast there is now a range of self-help literature for affected parents, ranging from Richard Melheim's 101 Ways To Get Your Adult Children To Move Out (And Make Them Think It Was Their Idea) to Roberta Meisel's All Grown Up: Living Happily With Your Adult Children.

For Avril Pintus, 54, a social worker, however, the experience was largely a positive one. "My daughter lived with me until my grandson was four years old and I was quite happy with that," she says. "Many years ago, it was common for three generations of the same family to stay together in the same house and I think these days most younger people leave their parent's house too soon. The consequence is that they have financial and emotional problems they find it difficult to cope with."

Patricia Morgan says older people are gradually realising how difficult things are for the younger generation.

"For a while they were more inclined to say: 'Why can't they get on their bikes and do what I did. I got married at 22, and went out and got a mortgage,' but now they're beginning to see that maybe they did have it easier.

"At the same time, maybe it's easier for young adults to live at home because older people are a bit more indulgent and open-minded. I don't think a generation ago, they would have been so happy to see girlfriends and boyfriends come and go, so in that sense I suppose the generation gap has closed."

Director of the Family Education Trust Norman Wells sees the trend towards moving home as a reassuring sign that society has not completely fragmented. "It shows that far from being a museum piece as some would have it, the family is still alive and well in Britain and continues to provide an irreplaceable network of care and support in difficult times," he said.

But could constantly bailing out adult children end up stifling their self-reliance? And how far should parental responsibility extend? In his essay, Children Who Won't Grow Up, sociologist Frank Furedi points out that, in 2002, the Italian courts ruled Giuseppe Andreoli, a professor of anatomy and former member of parliament, must continue to pay his 30-year-old son Marco – who lived with his mother – 500 per month until he found a job worthy of his own "aspirations".

Furedi recognises the role the prevailing economic climate has to play, but sees the growing numbers of children who live at home as part of the wider "infantalisation" of society.

Teacher Brian Weir, 55, from Southampton agrees that if children are not encouraged to leave home as soon as they get a job, they will find it difficult to build their own lives. "It's true that nowadays the recession doesn't help very much to find a job or face a mortgage or a rent, but this is an exceptional situation," he says. "In general, young people should face their responsibilities as soon as possible because that allows them to take their first steps into their lives".

Certainly, there are those for whom a refusal to leave home is still synonymous with the refusal to grow up. Out in the streets of Edinburgh last week, most women said they would think twice about going out with a man who hadn't flown the coop.

"It would depend on his circumstances, " said business manager Mari Wilson, 33. "I think it would be fair enough if a guy was living with his mum, but still knew how to cook and do the housework.

"If not, I think I wouldn't feel comfortable because I would think maybe he was looking for another mum to take care of him." But the very thought of it was a turn-off for Ruth Casserly. "It would be a completely 'no-no' for me!" the 26-year-old said. "I would think it meant he was still a child and a mummy's boy."

Jamie Macdonald, 33, who moved in with his parents in Kirkintilloch when he broke up with his then girlfriend six years ago, is used to being mocked by his friends, but he believes the advantages of living at home far outweigh the disadvantages.

It allows him to put some of his monthly wage away for the future and has done nothing to affect his pulling power: indeed his current girlfriend is a regular visitor to the family home – and they've all been away on holiday together.

"I had lived in a flat since leaving home to go to university when I was 18 so of course there were things I had to get used to, like not being able to come and go as I pleased and of course I can't hold any wild parties, but mostly it has worked out well," says Macdonald, a chef in Glasgow's Cafe Gandolfi.

"I work shifts so we're not on top of each other all the time, although we spend Sundays together. I sometimes get my washing done (my mum is that kind of mother) but I cook them meals in return. I have always been able to listen to my own music and bring my friends and girlfriend home.

"In the long-term I do plan to move out, but to be honest I get on with my folks really well, better than I got on with my flatmates. I genuinely like spending time with them."

The way we live now: what the National Statistics reveal

In the past decade the number of women giving birth under the age of 25 has overtaken those getting married.

&#149 The proportion of single-person households has doubled since 1971. Now nearly seven million people, 12% of adults, live on their own, with the largest increase being among adults of working age.

&#149 The number of marriages in England and Wales – 237,000 in 2006 – was the lowest for more than a century.

&#149 The average age at which people get married is 31.8 for men and 29.7 for women.

&#149 One quarter of households in Great Britain in 2008 consisted of couples who did not have children – a 6% increase since 1971.

&#149 Nearly a third of working mothers rely on informal childcare by the child's grandparents.

&#149 1.66 million children were being brought up by an unmarried couple, up from one million 10 years ago.

&#149 The number of children brought up by married parents dropped from 9.57 million to 8.32 million.

&#149 The percentage of households comprising the traditional nuclear family – a couple with children – fell from 52% to 36% between 1971 and 2008.