Linda Kennedy: It's time to freshen up and start again with some new blood

Published on Wednesday 5 November 2008 19:01

SO, WHAT else will change in America? Here's an imagined view of the post-Obama victory landscape:

Political structures

THE White House will be renamed: a wrought-iron sign will be commissioned for its front gate, in the style of 'Dunroamin'. Options so far are either 'Dunracism' or 'Dunbein' prejudiced'.

Relations with Britain

Or, as yet another sign of the importance awarded by American presidents to the special relationship, Obama may task his best pals across the Atlantic to offer suggestions for a new house name. British chart-toppers such as 'Ivy Cottage' might be adapted into 'Ivy League Cottage', given his Harvard background. 'The Nook', another top British choice, could expand to 'The Noo Kid in Town', emphasising the spirit of change he embodies. 'The Bungalowbama' has been ruled out.

Foreign policy

American embassies will change the chocolate served at receptions, to reflect the president's ancestry and policies for renewable energy. Ferrero Rocher is out, Green & Black's is in.

Health

John McCain is free to take up celebrity endorsement of oven chips. Given how popular he was with voters, America will be put off its favourite food and the nation's obesity problem will be solved.

Companies and markets

Contact-lens companies will sack their lobbyists, who were intent on getting close to Sarah Palin and persuading her to try their brand. A new range called 'Palin Focus' – coincidentally the phrase McCain most often said to her – has been cancelled. Wall Street will reflect this reduced confidence in 'the vision section'.

Economics.

The hairdressing economy will suffer a downturn. Many men had expressed hopes Palin would one day let her hair down. So too did hairdressers, thinking they could fashion a key style out of her simple ponytail which would then be followed by women worldwide. Now a 'Sarah' will not be the new 'Rachel'.

This deepens the sector-specific slump which began when Hillary Clinton failed to win the Democratic nomination. Clinton's multiples blow-dries kept it in profit during the earlier section of the presidential race. "It's a terrible blow," hairdressers have been saying, echoing the condemnation of Hillary muttered by women with non-helmet hair.

Wildlife

The moose, briefly a famous animal, will return to the wilderness. Palin to the political equivalent.

Women

Hockey moms will not feel the pressure of remembering to apply lipstick. Pitbulls will be free to experiment with their sexuality and not end up doing the school run.

Time to tune into Radio 1.5

RICHARD ALLINSON standing in for Jonathan Ross on Radio 2 at the weekend was the revenge of the digestive biscuit. It was Affable FM, Audio Ovaltine.

As the last wails fade, let's note it wasn't those calls themselves that caused the full extent of the controversy.

Meaner on-air activities by, say, Radio 1's Chris Moyles, right, have included bullying of Nicola from Girls Aloud. Yet he's still there.

The larger part of the issue was that Radio 2 phones were used. Radio 2 remains the heartland of slippers, telly-talk and cups of tea. Of niceness, dammit.

The mistake was the station taking on someone like Russell Brand in an attempt to change its image. He never fitted. Among Brand's many bedfellows, one of them shouldn't be Ken Bruce. And now, Radio 2's inner digestive biscuit has triumphed.

But a gap is left. For me, Radio 1 is too puerile. Radio 2 is now too bland. Would someone please set up Radio 1.5?

• MORE may be lost to the bird world through Donald Trump's actions than we ever feared. Mr Trump has said the time is right to start work on his golf course. Not put off by the global financial situation, he declared himself to be "anti-trend" earlier this week. In other words, if everyone else is cutting back, he'll go on building and spending. The news of this contrary attitude reveals a fresh threat. Trump has big hair which competes with his ego for magnitude. But big hair is coming back for everyone else.

Will Donald, to be anti-trend, soon get a short back and sides? If so, one unique bird's nest will be gone for ever.