Linda Kennedy: If your printer is giving you problems, get rid of it, period!

Published on Wednesday 10 September 2008 20:02

IF Jim'll Fix It were still on TV today, maybe requests would relate not to dreams but printers. Or toasters. Or any malfunctioning electrical item that defies every other attempt to be repaired.

Yesterday, my printer decided to join the general strike in which my gadgets intermittently take part. It's only printing every third line. Heavy heartedly, I commence the dull business of trying to get it fixed.

I go to the help tab on my printer. "Do I want Help?"

That would be why I'm here.

"Do I want Troubleshooting tips?"

So, I have a printer with "troubles". I wonder if it's just putting a twist on an age-old female excuse. I check its ink flow. There's a dribble of red ink. So, then, are printer "troubles" a bit like the "women's" variety? Is this piece of kit merely feeling off-colour and will it be fine the day after tomorrow?

Neither Nurofen Plus nor a hot water bottle is on the list of solutions. Instead, I am advised to try a series of examinations.

First, the nozzle test requires me to assess the strength of a blue line of ink. Might my printer be pregnant?

Next I am recommended cleaning options. And not just a tickle with the duster around the printer ribbon. Two cleans and two deep cleans, I am told. Is this where Gordon Brown got the idea for his "deep clean" of hospital wards? Does my printer have C.difficile? But neither checking its fertility not scrubbing it down works.

I go to the manufacturer's website and type in my problem. But "it's only printing every third line, and not very well at that" does not seem to be a problem shared. Hence, my issue is an iFAQ – an infrequently asked question. I am invited to search further, so I summarise my dilemma with the expression: "incomplete text". I get 16 options which "may help solve my problem", but as all are related to the creation of CD labels, my hunch is they may not.

I call the helpline number, whereupon I go through the same series of tests again, this time at 7.91 pence a minute. Finally, someone's diagnosis is correct. At the outset of these problems, I predicted to myself that the ultimate answer, after a great deal of time-wasting, would be to buy a new printer. And it is.

All this would have been so much easier if I could have sent a letter to Jim. Not a printed one, obviously, but updating old TV formats is the buzz these days, and the All-New Jim'll Fix It would surely respond to e-mails?