Linda Kennedy: We've had our fill of this fare, so I'll just have a B, not B&B

Published on Wednesday 10 December 2008 18:24

NUTRITIONISTS talk about calorie banks. What you eat is a calorie credit; what you expend in energy is a calorie debit. I currently have so many calories in the bank there is no chance Lloyds will have to take me over. If only BoS had followed the BoG model.

Worry not, you will soon understand the terminology (not that that matters in modern banking circles). I went to the Cairngorms this week, to the village of Boat of Garten, henceforth known as BoG, which is an abbreviation not a judgement.

At BoG, we stayed in a B&B. There is nothing unusual about BoG B&B. Sure as eggs is eggs – scrambled, poached or fried – there was an enormous breakfast. In the country, though not the City, greed is still good.

Like much of the population, my normal breakfast is coffee. Yet it was 9:10am and there I was, full of smoked salmon, creamy scrambled eggs, fruit salad with extra prunes, yoghurt, toast, butter, and a small pot of honey. Even at that order, the waiter looked disappointed. 'Is that all for madame? No croissants? No pancakes with maple syrup? No porridge, our speciality?'

One might argue that I didn't have to finish it. Here I wonder afresh at the problems that have hit Scotland's financial institutions. Scottish frugality is alive and well – at least in the calorie banking sector. This frugality manifests itself on the breakfast table as 'I have to eat it – for I have paid for it'.

I looked around the fine dining room. Beyond the buffet table – bearing its six varieties of muesli – I could see many of the same people who'd had dinner in the restaurant the night before. They too could not possibly be hungry. Yet we had all arrived at a carefully-judged 8:50am (breakfast was served till 9am and no-one wanted to be last) having food we'd paid for but did not need.

How much of the typical B&B bill is each B? In other words, if I just want a bed for the night (for clarity, let's call this B1), and not pay for a breakfast (B2) which I don't want to eat but will because I've paid for it, how much would I save?

These days, there is no need for B always to go with B. It could be 'B&C' – bed and coffee. Or 'B&T' – bed and tea – should you prefer that beverage to start the day. But actually, I'm looking forward to a new era in Scottish rural accommodation, when landladies have a sign outside their door offering just 'B'. It really is less of a mouthful.

Could someone fill this slot?

NEWS comes that millions are being stood up by Postman Pat, or Courier Colin, as goods bought online fail to be delivered during specified slots. The word 'slot' is the most abused in the English language – time spans like "between 8am and Thursday next year" do not qualify. Should you happen to have been a slot slut – going out once or twice during it – fate, for a giggle, will ensure that's when everything arrives. What follows are days of chasing packages in scenes reminiscent of one's driest romantic spell. As well as dog-sitting and granny-sitting, a new modern role could be letterbox sitting. The ads might be yucky and American – 'I'll be there for you' – but who cares, as long as someone can take in your parcels. Sometimes it is definitely better to receive than give.

&#149 WE'VE got Jack and the Beanstalk. And Puss in Boots. How about "Hole in the Wall"?

This panto is set in a shopping street before Christmas. The curtain opens on a queue of 50 people at a cashpoint. If any looked round and across the road, they'd see two other ATM machines, queue-free. Like every panto, the audience is shouting "behind you!" Other characters? Widow Twenty, who gets a wad and empties the machine. The baddie will be someone who gets cash and then a mini-statement, while there is a long queue. Boo. Hiss.