Linda Kennedy: Watching the pounds as I try to cram it all inward and upward

Published on Wednesday 11 February 2009 18:03

EVERYONE'S talking about tightening their belt these days. It's certainly tricky. I have just tried on a corset upside-down. But then, I am a burlesque beginner.

So, let me explain. The recent trend for burlesque clubs has gradually filtered down into the mainstream. These days, it's becoming a theme for parties. Duly an invite arrived in my inbox to an "Alternative Winter Ball". It required "burlesque-inspired attire".

Apart from Dita von Teese, you could say my role models for this world were limited. It seemed to involve wearing old-fashioned scarlet lipstick and having even more old-fashioned bosoms. The first I could buy. The second I could also buy, but that would be a major decision. A corset seemed preferable to implants.

The big 36DD question was: where would one get a corset? I looked online. The cheapest appeared to be 145.

Next day, I happened to walk past a moody nightclubbing emporium on my way to somewhere else. My inner corset detector – a new impulse – was activated by their window display. I reversed. Corsets started at 130.

In Glasgow's Princes Square, I noticed a more ladylike boudoir. I went in, and discovered their made-to-measure corsets were 445. Stays were already making me feel faint, and I hadn't put any on yet.

Slinking back to the clubbers' boutique, I asked the least terrifying assistant about cheaper options. "There's your Latex dress, obviously," she said. Obviously. "Any in the sale?" "Yes, they're down to 105." "Er, anything else?" After a moment, she said loudly "catsuits". We stood beside a rail and contemplated a PVC catsuit. It was a moment that couldn't be left unfilled, so I offered that it looked as if it might be quite warm. But certainly good value for 54.99.

She waited outside the changing room, where I learned one should never try on a catsuit with ankle socks. The right leg went on, but it wouldn't come off. I feared I might have to wear half a catsuit for the rest of my life. Finally, with a yank, it peeled away. On safety grounds, it was back to corsets. But I needed a credit-crunch corset. I was told of a stall in Camden Market, north London, and went there when working down south.

It was at that corset stall where the upside-down trying-on incident happened. But when the assistant indicated the right way up, the corset fitted. And it only cost 40, turning this into a parable for our recessionary times. We can all tighten our belts, if we try long and hard enough. It also created my first ever cleavage. All in all, a day to feel proud. Stick out your chest, my mother would say. Finally I could.

When do we get iPick'n'mix?

APPLE is set to start making televisions. "Product transition" they call it. Beware of too much product transition, I say – and no, that's not another Apple innovation, though the iSay could be a device for optimum communication, the rate they're going.

Apple move into markets where they "can solve a problem for consumers". On that basis, an iTelevision is a good idea. Apple might end male dominance of the remote, by making pink ones. Or needy remotes that lie: "You haven't touched me in weeks." Both would reduce men's fondness for that device. They could also make remotes that aren't held together by Sellotape within the month, thereby offering tape-less connectivity.

But Apple should beware of turning into an outlet that sells everything. Otherwise, we may be standing outside closed-down Apple stores, bemoaning their loss. One thing they don't want to make is a mistake, by turning into iWoolworths.

&#149 I don't know anything about football, but even I could have told you Phil Scolari wouldn't be a success at Chelsea. He was never going to score – not with that moustache.

His sacking has increased my knowledge of the game, though. Hitherto, I thought Scolari was what an Italian striker called the school run.

His compensation has led to much mulling on failures, bonuses and football's similarity to the world of finance.

Which makes me wonder: if football teams looked like going under, would the Government bail them out? Or would they just accuse them of taking a dive?